


Broken Apart (To Be Whole Again)

by BreathThatCarriedMe



Series: Whole As We Are [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Dubious Consent, Feelings being discussed at length, Homeworld politics in the background, How Do I Tag, Masturbation, Multi, Now with an art for chapter 19 :3, Occasional fluff, Panic Attacks, Pink has no idea what consent even is, Possessive Behavior, Slow Build, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven explains patiently, Steven is 18, Trauma, at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:47:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 84,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24772645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreathThatCarriedMe/pseuds/BreathThatCarriedMe
Summary: When White separated Steven and his gem half, things took an unexpected turn. Now Steven is back on Earth as a human and with no way of getting to his gem. His gem will find his way to Earth, though. He will take Steven back, no matter what.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe/Steven Universe
Series: Whole As We Are [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981699
Comments: 198
Kudos: 392





	1. Broken Apart

**Author's Note:**

> I read a lot of fanfics with Pink Steven as a character, they’re all so amazing, and some works really inspired me (though I suck at writing comments so I don’t do it, sorry haha). So I decided to post something of my own. The initial chapters are similar to Katelena’s amazing work “Someone Familiar”, but then the story takes a different route. I hope that’s okay! I just thought Steven being separated and taken to Earth is a good set up that makes sense.  
> I have a vague idea of where I’m going with this, but several chapters have already been written. Tags and warnings may change, and I’ll try to put warnings before each chapter, if they are necessary.  
> Also, this is my first fanfic in English, so if you find any mistakes let me know:)

Steven began to wonder if he could actually do it. If he could change White’s mind. She wasn’t listening to him, instead she looked at him like he was a bratty kid caught up in one of his made-up stories. She was laughing at him. Of course that didn’t mean he would give up. There was something good inside every gem, just like there was something good in every human. There had to be something good in White too. That’s why he could help her see—  


That’s when she grabbed him. Squeezed him in her hand, like Steven was a chocolate bar that she was preparing to eat.  


“It’s time to come out, Pink,” she chirped and reached for Steven’s stomach with her other hand. She was going for his gem. He couldn’t talk. Couldn’t breathe. Her nails were black, and glimmering, and sharp. He will never forget their cold touch. The world seemed to shrink to him and her nails, their grasp on his gem. And then she _pulled_.  


The pain was white hot. He thought maybe he was screaming. At some point he must have passed out. A strange vision came to him then. Steven saw himself, but glowing and bright pink, his face eerily still. This pink version of himself was gazing right at him, right _through_ him it felt like. More than anything in this world Steven wanted to hug him(self?), to merge back into one, he felt so empty, so cold and it hurt _so much_.  


Then all thoughts left him.  


*  


When he gained consciousness again, it was abrupt and clear, like breaking the surface of the water. He inhaled and opened his eyes. The sky above was bright blue, he saw a statue of his mother to his right. He heard voices too but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He started coughing and someone was at his side in an instant, helping him up. His vision became blurry, his body felt like he was Jasper’s punching bag again. What happened? How did he end up here?  


He blinked and realized that he was sitting by Rose’s fountain and that next to him was Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, Connie and his dad. Peridot, Lapis and Bismuth were sitting a little further away. They were all looking at him and they were all… crying?  


“What is...” he tried to say and started coughing violently.  


“It’s okay, Steven, here, drink this.” Dad handed him a water bottle which Steven accepted with shaky hands. Dad helped him to drink. Steven felt so weak. He didn’t know if he could have stayed upright if Garnet weren’t close, supporting his back.  


“What happened?” he asked. Pearl’s crying intensified and she threw her arms around him, followed by dad, Garnet and Amethyst. Connie was sobbing quietly, Peridot was wiping at her eyes. What was going—  


_White_. The thought ran through him like electricity, and Steven shuddered. He remembered her sharp nails and her condescending smile, her colorless eyes. Even though it felt like all the energy had left his body Steven started struggling out of his family’s embrace. Reluctantly, they let him go and he didn’t waste any time going for his soaked, dirty t-shirt. He lifted the hem and stared at his flat stomach. His gem. Where _was_ it, where was his _gem_?  


He realized he was muttering the question. That question was the only thing left in him. He didn’t understand. Someone was saying something, but his ears were ringing and he couldn’t concentrate. _**Where was his gem?**_  


“Steven.”  


He turned, meeting Garnet’s serious, sad gaze. She was without her visor.  


“Calm down. It’s going to be okay. Your gem is… okay.”  


“But where is it? Where is it? It’s not here so _where is it_?” Steven was panicking, looking around frantically but not actually seeing anything. Someone hugged him, cradled him close like when he was little.  


“Dad?”  


“It’s okay, Schtuball, it’s okay,” dad told him quietly and started to sing some familiar song. Steven felt as though Earth’s atmosphere was suddenly very heavy, pressing on him with all its weight. He was so bone deep tired. He closed his eyes.  


Maybe when he wakes up all will be okay again.  


*  


Next time he woke up he was back home. Steven opened his eyes to stared blearily at the wall. Then he started to turn, and intense pain shot through his body. He groaned, stopping any movement. Yes, good, now he could pretend that the pain wasn’t even there.  


“Steven?” called a familiar voice, and Steven shot upright, startled. The pain was back and he whimpered, unable to stop himself.  


“Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry,” continued the voice. He turned his head and found Amethyst sitting by his bed. Steven let out a sigh of relief, his body slumping, his heart still beating too fast.  


“Steven?” he heard downstairs and then Garnet and Pearl appeared by the bed.  


“Oh, thank God you’re up! What happened?” Pearl asked with a sense of urgency.  


“Everything is fine, I’m fine,” Steven hurried to say. He’s never felt further from fine in his entire life. “Just feels like my whole body has been bruised.”  


“You need to eat,” Pearl continued, looking more worried by the second. “We filled a bath with the water from Rose’s fountain, that will surely help with the pain, here, let me—”  


“That can wait,” he interrupted. Everyone tensed. Guilt curled up in his stomach but Steven needed to know, he needed to ask. He pressed his hand to his flat (empty, so empty) stomach. “Where’s my gem?”  


“Steven!” he heard the third time, and the voice made Steven’s heart flutter happily in his chest.  


“Connie!”  


She ran up the stairs and threw her arms around him. He laughed weakly and started crying. Connie hugged him close, she smelled like herself and also like salt water and wind, and that was his favorite smell in the world. He couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop the memories from coming, the pain, the feeling of being severed in half, his desperation and then just… emptiness. Absolute and gaping like a hole.  


Steven didn’t know how long he cried, but at some point he managed to pull himself together. He let go of Connie and croaked, “Sorry.”  


“Don’t you dare apologize, Steven,” she said and smiled at him. She looked like she had been crying too. Her t-shirt was soaked where Steven had pressed his face into it.  


“I need to know what happened,” he said, wiping at his face and hiccupping. Connie nodded, looking serious.  


“What do you remember?”  


The memories held an almost physical pain, but he needed them now. He tried to withdraw from them emotionally, he was pretty good at doing that. When he started talking, the events in White’s head seemed like distant facts.  


“I remember… talking to White. How she laughed at me. Then she grabbed me. Then she said—”  


_**“It’s time to come out, Pink.”**_  


He was hit with a wave of pure, blinding panic. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, his heart was hammering in his chest. All sounds were lost. Someone was saying something, someone was turning his head, his stare met deep brown eyes… It was Connie, she was saying something, she was—  


“Breathe, Steven, breathe with me,” she was repeating. Steven made a short sharp inhale. His whole body was shaking. He couldn’t concentrate, all he saw were gleeful colorless eyes, but no, here was Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl, here was Connie, she will save him, she _did_ save him, he was _alive_.  


“Breathe with me,” he heard and tried again. And again. He listened to Connie’s voice, counting for him, and breathed. Just breathed. He was alive, he was okay, he was going to be okay.  


The room finally stopped shrinking and returned to its normal size. Every breath didn’t require a terrible amount of effort. Steven calmed down somewhat.  


“We’ll talk later, Steven, I promise,” said Pearl in a soft voice. “Right now you need to rest. You need to eat. Everything else can wait.”  


He wanted to protest but she was right. In the end he only sighed.  


“I’ll fetch Greg, he’ll help with the bath,” she added. He didn’t answer.  


“It’s going to be alright,” Connie said, squeezing his hand in hers. “We’re all here, We’ll help you.”  


He managed a weak smile. An intense feeling of emptiness was gnawing at him.  


Dad helped Steven get downstairs, carried him to the bathroom, then helped him into the bathtub, like he was a little kid again. The water was tinted pink which made Steven suddenly nauseous, but the pain in his body subsided. The feeling of emptiness inside was made more pronounced by the lack of physical pain.  


When he was done and dressed, Steven sat on the edge of the toilet seat for some time, staring into nothing. His dad ruffled his hair and Steven blinked, coming back to reality. He sent his dad a small smile. Dad looked tired, his hair was a mess and he had deep bags under his eyes. Steven felt a stab of guilt.  


“I’m so glad you’re alright, son. I was so worried.”  


The feeling of guilt intensified. He made dad so worried, he made everyone so worried… Steven felt tears forming even though earlier it felt like he’d cried them all out. Dad opened his arms and Steven accepted the embrace, hugging him tightly. The emptiness inside felt like a gaping wound.  


Steven cried for some time until a sense of dull calm came, and then he pulled away.  


“I’m so glad I came back,” Steven said quietly. “Space felt so…” He tried to find a fitting word and couldn’t. He was exhausted.  


“You’re back, and that’s what matters. Come on, let’s make you something to eat.”  


Steven didn’t feel hungry in the slightest but the last time he ate was—  


(Blue stands over them while he and Connie happily snack on some fruits, protein bars and juice)  


A long time ago. It was a long time ago that he last ate.  


Steven showed no interest in fried vegetables on his plate, but everyone kept glancing at him worriedly so he made himself eat a bit. The nausea came back in full force and he cringed, putting the spoon aside.  


“Wanna lay down now, Schtuball?” dad asked, sitting next to him, and Steven nodded. His head was throbbing, the pain settled back in his body and he couldn’t concentrate enough to think.  


Dad helped him get back to bed and as soon as his head hit the pillow, Steven was asleep.


	2. The talk

He was with Lars and Sadie on that beautiful island again, swimming in the clear water. It was amazing, Lars was laughing at his jokes, him and Sadie looked at each other like they were friends again, and Steven was so happy he could help.  


Steven called for them to join him, laughing and playing in the water. They smiled at him, but their smiles disappeared. He tried to ask what was wrong and then saw a hand underwater, reaching for him. The hand was white and it had sharp black nails. No, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen, he was _safe_ , Connie _saved_ him, but the nails grabbed at his stomach and _pulled_.  


His eyes shot open. It took some time for him to realize where he was. His heart was hammering in his chest, he was short of breath. A dream. Just a dream. A nightmare.  


Steven sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He was so sweaty. The night was dark and the clock showed 3:01. He had to go back to sleep, but the thought alone made him so scared that he pushed away the covers and got to his feet. He could stand, but his body felt like he was moving underwater. He made one uncertain step, followed by another.  


“Steven?”  


Someone turned on the light downstairs. Steven flinched. Amethyst stood by the stairs.  


“Need help getting down?” she asked uncertainly and he nodded. Together they made their way down and settled on the couch.  


“Want some chips?” Amethyst offered, nodding at the open pack. Steven smiled weakly.  


“Yeah, sure.”  


They spent some time munching on them silently. Just like old times. Everything was okay. He was home. His heart was still trying to beat its way out of his chest.  


“Where are Garnet and Pearl?”  


“They went to fill up some canisters with Rose’s water. Seems like you’ll need lots of it,” she snickered, shoving his shoulder lightly with her own.  


“Yeah, that’s for sure,” Steven smiled again (he wanted to cry), and Amethyst smiled back. “And dad?”  


“Greg’s asleep in the van. He left it right here on the beach. Connie talked her parents into letting her stay there too. Lapis, Peridot and Bismuth made a whole lair out of tents. We can go check it out tomorrow!”  
Steven didn’t answer. Silence stretched between them. By the look on Amethyst’s face he could see that she was trying to come up with some safe topic of conversation. After a minute or two she exclaimed, clearly frustrated, “Dude! I have no idea how to distract you from all this stuff! It’s like unreal!”  


Steven chuckled dejectedly. “You know, I don’t think anything can distract me until I find out what happened.”  


Amethyst sighed.  


“Connie knows everything that happened. Lapis, Peridot and Bismuth too. But Steven…” She looked at him with clear concern. “Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?”  


Steven swallowed. He wasn’t sure. But the empty, quivering feeling in his gut wouldn’t let go. Instinctively, he pressed his hand to his stomach and was startled to find it so smooth. No trace of his gem. It felt so _wrong_.  


“You scared us all yesterday,” Amethyst said quietly. Steven opened his mouth, but she continued, “If you start apologizing now, I’ll hit you.”  


Steven laughed tiredly, “Yeah, that would cheer me up.”  


At that moment they heard the sound of a warp activating. Steven shrank back unconsciously, but it was only Garnet and Pearl. They held four huge canisters in their hands.  


“I’m sure that will be en— Steven! What are you doing out of bed?” Pearl exclaimed.  


Steven shrugged his shoulders awkwardly. “Couldn’t sleep.”  


Being the focus of their worried gazes made him feel even worse. He sighed and rubbed at his face.  


“Well, alright. Maybe you want to eat?” Pearl suggested hopefully.  


“The only thing I want right now are answers.”  


“You mean… right now?” she asked.  


“My gem is gone and I don’t have any idea where it is now. Is it shattered? It is still on Homeworld?” Steven said, getting more anxious and scared by the second. “What’s going to happen to me? Am I going to die?”  


“Woah, dude, hold up,” Amethyst said.  


“Everything is okay with your gem!” Pearl added, like it couldn’t be any other way.  


“You are not going to die, Steven,” Garnet said. “Everything will be okay.”  


“I’m so tired of hearing that!” he cried out and instantly regretted it. The gems didn’t deserve that. They wanted to help.  


“If you want to help, then tell me the truth,” Steven asked, eyes trained to the floor. He was still gripping his t-shirt where his gem used to be with more force than necessary.  


“I’ll go get everyone,” Amethyst said and got up.  


“Thanks,” Steven breathed out.  


Soon their living room was filled with people and gems. His dad and Connie looked disheveled, Lapis was gloomy, Peridot was anxious and Bismuth looked sad. Dad, Connie and Amethyst settled on the couch beside him. All the others stood close.  


“I’m sorry that I gathered you here so late,” Steven said, breaking the tense silence that hung over the room. “But I need to know what happened to my gem.”  


No one said anything. No one moved. Steven didn’t dare to look up. He desperately wished for someone to speak up, to tell him what happened. He needed to know. Connie, who was sitting close by his left side, took his hand and squeezed. Then she said, “I can tell you part of the story.”  


Steven looked up at her. He was so grateful and she was so brave. Connie inhaled, like she was about to jump in cold water, and then began talking.  


“After you… passed out, your gem began glowing and then took shape of… you. He looked exactly like you, but he was glowing pink.”  


Steven remembered his strange vision. Now it seemed like the pink him wasn’t a figment of his imagination. He didn’t know what to make of it.  


“White asked him where Pink Diamond was.”  


Hearing White’s name made him shudder. Dad, sitting by his right, hugged him and Steven pressed himself into dad’s familiar warmth.  


“He… He told her that Pink Diamond is gone.”  


His breath caught. Somewhere deep inside he knew it was the truth, but hearing it from Connie… made it all real. The feeling inside him was a mix of sadness and deep relief. Rose was truly gone. Steven was _himself_. Not his mother’s disguise, not her shadow. White was wrong in the end.  


“And then he started walking towards you. I… wanted to help, you were laying there a-and I…” Connie continued, voice wobbling. She looked at him and Steven tried to smile. Her lips trembled and her eyes were shiny with tears.  


“Then everything turned white, and then you and I were on some ship… Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl were there too, they lost their physical appearances but their gems were okay. And you… you wouldn’t wake up. You were s-so pale, and I thought…”  


“Why would she put us on a ship?” Steven said, confused.  


“Me, Peridot and Bismuth flew in when you were already gone,” said Lapis in a strained voice. He looked up, but she didn’t meet his gaze. “The inside of the ship was destroyed, and White was talking to… your gem. We wanted to fight, but when White noticed us she… she looked at your gem, Steven, I remember it well. The gem stood with his back towards us. He started to turn, and White sent all of us to the ship too. We fought as well as we could, but it was a warship filled with gems, and they had destabilizers. When we formed back, we were already on Earth,” she finished.  


Silence fell over the room. The story had been told. Now he had his answers. But they didn’t make sense, did they? White sent them all back to Earth on one of the warships? _Why?_  


“They left us here on the beach,” Connie added. “I called your dad because you still didn’t wake up, but by the time he got to us, Amethyst came back and said we should go to Rose’s fountain to heal you. It… At first it didn’t seem to work, and we thought… But then you woke up, and we were so happy,” she finished, smiling at him. So that’s why they were all crying and hugging him at the fountain. They thought he died. Maybe… maybe he was close. He didn’t want to linger on that thought. So Steven asked the question that was more important. 

“Why did she send us back to Earth?”  


“She didn’t need us,” Lapis answered, as if she’d been thinking about it herself. “She only needed…”  


“My gem,” Steven finished. He felt dread pooling in his stomach. His hands curled into fists, and he shouted, “We have to go back! I will not let her—”  


“Steven,” Connie interrupted quietly, and he turned to look at her. “They took the ship. They let us out and took it.”  


No. No, he didn’t— He couldn’t—  


“I’m so sorry, I should have stopped them,” she said. Tears started to run down her cheeks, she was trembling, trying to wipe at her face. It was heartbreaking to see her like this. “But you were unconscious, the gems were all out, and I was… so scared, but _I should have saved you!_ ”  


“Connie, what are you talking about? You _did_ save me, you saved my life!” He hugged her, and she squeezed him tight. “Everything is going to be okay,” he whispered. “We’ll find a way to fix this.”  


When she calmed down, they broke the embrace. Steven looked around. Bismuth was crying in a corner alone, Pearl looked like she was going to break down at any moment, Garnet’s face was even more unreadable than usual, Lapis kept her gaze on the floor, Peridot was clinging to her like she was a lifeline. Everyone looked tired and sad. Steven felt the same, but he wanted to support his family.  


“Thank you, all of you. You went to Homeworld with me, you helped me fight for change, you put yourselves in danger. Thank you for supporting me. I am so happy that you’re all okay.”  


The faces around him seemed less tense now, Pearl and Garnet smiled at him, dad ruffled his hair. For the first time since he arrived back on Earth, Steven felt warm and less empty.  


“Now I think it’s time we wrap it up,” his dad said, getting up. Steven and Connie stood up as well. “You need to rest, Schtuball. Do you need help getting to bed?”  


Steven glanced at the darkness pooling near his bed and remembered his dream. He was completely drained, but he really didn’t want to sleep there.  


“You can sleep in the van with us, if you want,” Connie suggested. She always saw right through him. Steven nodded, feeling relieved.  


Dad helped him on the way to the van that was parked right outside. Near the van several big tents were set up for Bismuth, Lapis and Peridot. Wishing them goodnight, he got into the van. It was a bit crammed, but he didn’t mind. Laying between dad and Connie, Steven allowed himself to relax. His family was okay, his gem wasn’t shattered, even if it was far away. Right now, it was what mattered most.


	3. It's a process

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned before, some chapters are already written so I won't wait too long with posting them. The next three or four may be a bit uneventful, buy they are necessary parts of the story:)

Next morning brought a new portion of pain, but Steven was starting to get used to that. He yawned, stretching carefully, and then sat up. The physical pain was easier to ignore now than the pulling feeling of _empty, wrong, not whole_ inside. Connie and his dad were already up, but they left the doors of the van closed as to not wake him. He shifted, opening them. Outside the sun was shining and the water was sparkling. Steven squinted, everything was too bright for a second.  


“You up?”  


He opened his eyes properly and saw Bismuth who smiled nervously at him. He smiled back.  


“Yeah. I feel better.”  


“That’s amazing news!”  


“Human bodies adapt quickly,” Peridot added, fiddling with something on the sand. No one else was around. Steven looked in the direction of the house and saw Connie. She waved and him, and he waved back.  


He couldn’t walk on his own yet, especially not through sand, so Bismuth helped him get to the house. (He was not nervous to be so close to her. He was _not_.) Steven was panting and sweating through the short walk. His head was pounding with pain, and his vision was blurry. He sat on the couch for some time, breathing, trying to fight the headache and the nausea. Feeling better, sure, Universe.  


At some point he noticed the worried stares of Bismuth, Amethyst and Pearl. His dad and Connie were sitting beside him, like they did yesterday.  


“Maybe you should take another one of those baths?” Connie asked. Steven closed his eyes and opened them, but dark spots still danced in his vision.  


“Let’s try it, son,” his dad said.  


And again there was a bath filled with tinted water, again there was a sense of wrongness, but the headache and the dizziness were new.  


“How are you feeling?” dad asked, helping Steven dry himself off and giving him a t-shirt and a pair of soft pajama pants.  


“A bit dizzy,” Steven mumbled. Keeping himself upright and putting on the pants proved to be a harder task than usual.  


“Need to lay down for a minute?” dad asked again.  


“Yeah… I think so.”  


And so, not even an hour after he woke up, Steven found himself in bed again. His dad tucked him in even though it was warm in the house. Steven didn’t protest, speaking seemed to make his headache worse.  


“Do you want to sleep more?”  


“No, I’ll just… stay here for a bit. I have a headache.”  


“Maybe you can try taking a painkiller?” he heard Connie’s voice. “Now that you’re—” she stopped, then finished awkwardly, “I mean, maybe it will work.”  


Steven shrugged. Now that he was a human, she wanted to say. He couldn’t even summon his shield. He couldn’t kiss away the pain. He was completely helpless.  


Steven ended up taking the pill. The first pill in his life. He was curled up in bed, facing the wall. Pain was still pulsating in his head. All he could do was wait for it to go away. It was awful.  


Who was Steven now, without his gem? Was he himself even? He didn’t feel like himself, that’s for sure. He felt like he was split in half – and he _was_. He had to get his gem back or he will have to live like that. Like part of him died. But no, his gem was still out there, millions of light years away, on a distant cracked planet, with the Diamonds, with _White_. Steven’s heart was hurting. It was so much worse than the pain in his head. He needed him. Steven _needed_ his gem back. Why did it all have to happen?  


He started crying again. Steven was so tired of crying. He heard a soft sound of strings being plucked.  


“Want me to play something, Schtuball?” his dad asked quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Steven turned to look at him quickly. Then nodded, sniffling. Dad started to play a slow, calm song. About a bright sunny day and how singing a song didn’t cost anything. How Steven was everything he needed. Steven cried harder, burying his face in the blanket. He remembered that day, remembered singing and them being in a fancy hotel, how he sang to dad and Pearl, how happy he was to see them together. How happy he was to see Pearl finally being at peace with his dad and Rose—  


No, he will not think about that.  


He tried to concentrate all his attention on the song. His headache calmed down gradually. He was with his dad, and he was warm. Safe. Steven was asleep again in no time.  


*  


It took Steven no small amount of time to adapt to living without his gem. But at least he was alive. Steven Quartz Universe was fully human now.  


The first month was the hardest. His chest was aching constantly. Sometimes pain would flare up in different parts of his body, and he had to grit his teeth and wait for it to be over. His arms and legs felt like they were filled with foam. Moving without assistance was hard. But the headaches were the worst. At least painkillers helped sometimes. His dad had to watch so Steven didn’t take too many pills. His body was fragile now. He could overdose. If he fell down, the bruises didn’t go away easily. If he didn’t eat for too long, he felt nauseous and weak. Steven had to tend to his body and its needs on a daily basis now.  


During that first month and later, when Steven felt especially bad, his family took care of him. It was embarrassing, but at the same time having their attention and love was nice. Pearl was always trying to feed him. Garnet caught him every time Steven felt weak and was about to fall down. Amethyst tried to cheer him up and played videogames with him, but most of the time Steven found it hard to concentrate on the game. Dad sang for him and helped with anything, even the most mundane things. Connie was by his side a lot, even though she had her studies. Steven tried to convince her that they were important and anyway he was fine. He didn’t succeed, not one time, and somewhere in his heart he was glad that she stayed with him. From time to time she got her mom to ride to Beach city to take a look at him, even though Dr. Maheswaran was always so busy. Steven was grateful and embarrased at the same time.  


Steven had difficulties with calming down and relaxing before. Now it got so much worse. Nightmares came almost every night. The empty feeling inside him didn’t ease one bit. He couldn’t stop thinking about his gem. Steven felt alone. Lacking. Inadequate. Useless.  


His dad, Connie and Amethyst all tried to talk to him, but Steven couldn’t open up to them. How could he explain how he wasn’t feeling like himself now? They all saw it, they knew it already, so what was the point of talking about it?  


“You know, Steven, when you were born I had no idea what it would be like to take care of a baby,” his dad said during one of those painfully long days, filled with headaches and trying to eat through nausea. Steven held onto his worlds like a lifeline. He desperately needed a distraction from how bad he felt. His dad, who was sitting on the bed and playing some tune, smiled at him.  


“Of course I read some books about raising children and talked to Vidalia a couple of times, but reality was so different from books. I felt like I didn’t know anything, and Rose…”  


Steven lowered his gaze and frowned.  


“Rose wasn’t there,” his dad sighed. “What I’m getting at is this. When Rose disappeared, my world kind of… I don’t know, caved in on itself it felt like. Like part of me was gone.”  


Without any conscious thought, Steven placed his hand on his stomach.  


“I’m not saying I know how you feel because your gem _was_ a part of you. An important part. But I want you to know…” he put his hand on Steven’s hand that still clutching at the pajama. Steven breathed out and forced himself to let go of the fabric, to meet his gaze. His dad looked at him with such love, and Steven felt like he was about to cry.  


“I want you to know that you’re still my son, Steven, and I love you so much.”  


Dad hugged him, Steven pressed his face into his shoulder and started crying.  


“We all love you. Your family is here for you. We’ll get through this together. We’ll get your gem back.”  


Steven wanted to believe it so much. He had his family, he couldn’t lose hope. He had to get better. They had to get his gem back.


	4. Pink

Pink didn’t understand what was wrong with her. Everything around her seemed so familiar, but so wrong. She went on with her daily duties, filing up the documents for one of Yellow’s colonies and making various reports. But she _felt_ wrong. When she laid on the pillows in her chamber, staring up at the ceiling, not a single thought crossed her mind. It’s as if everything turned blank whenever she tried to think about something. When she walked through the big halls of her Palace, gems treated her with utmost respect. In their eyes she saw fear and wonder, and that wonder confused her.  


Her relationship with the Diamonds weren’t working, no matter how hard she tried to be what they wanted her to be. Pink seldom saw White, and when she did, White didn’t let her utter a word. Yellow and Blue seemed to distance themselves from her. They were always polite, Blue even seemed cheerful. But it was all fake, Pink knew that. Sometimes Pink could see through the fake smiles, and then she saw sorrow, and guilt, and a sort of detachment, all of which she couldn’t understand.  


She had to keep her emotions tucked away, that much White made clear. And she tried, but anger and disappointment were so potent, so encompassing that her lips trembled from rage and she felt the air turn white hot around her. Servants fled then, her Pearl included. She let them flee. Let them know their place. 

Pink destroyed two big reception halls in her Palace. She threw down the columns, cracked the murals, brought the roof down on herself – but it still wasn’t enough. _Something was wrong_. Inside her and around her. And she couldn’t do a single thing about it.


	5. Lapis

Three months passed, and Steven started to get better. He could walk around the house and go to the beach by himself. Nausea was his constant companion, but Steven barely noticed it now. His headaches weren’t bothering him anymore if Steven took the pills on time. The emotional pain didn’t get much better. Steven felt like his heart was an open wound that started bleeding every time he thought about his gem. And he almost always ended up thinking about it, in one way or another.  


Around that time Steven started to look at his options on getting his gem back. They didn’t have any ships that could travel through space in the blink of an eye. For some time, Steven tried to reach his gem’s consciousness in his dreams, but it seemed like that ability was lost for him now. He tried to fight the anger and desperation that came every time his powers didn’t work. Of course they didn’t. And they won’t until he gets his gem back. Steven had to get used to that.  


Lion often came to him and laid by his side or nuzzled his face in the unusual display of affection, but Steven couldn’t use his mane anymore. He wished he could get to Lars and the Off Colors. Steven knew the engines on their ship were busted and that they weren’t coming back any time soon. That made him even more worried. Sometimes Steven wished they could just magically appear on Earth, telling them the ship’s engines had been fixed.  


They even tried to repair the ancient Dropship. After a couple of days Peridot told him there was no chance the ship will be travelling through space ever again.  


So that was it, then. He didn’t have any more options. Steven had no way of getting to Homeworld. It was hard to accept. He didn’t want to abandon hope. But the only remaining option was to wait. Wait for Lars and his crew to get back. Wait for an arrival of a ship, any ship, maybe even Pink Diamond’s ship. What if his gem decided to find Steven himself? He would do that if he needed Steven as much as Steven needed him. That thought always sent a shiver of fear down his spine.  


What if his gem _didn’t_ need him? What if he was happy to be rid of his human half? What if his gem was having the time of his life on Homeworld, ordering other gems around and creating new colonies, destroying other planets? These thoughts caused an almost physical pain. Steven shouldn’t think of his gem like that. It was _his_ gem after all. He would never do something like that. But it had been more than three months now, and his gem still hadn’t come to Earth. Steven didn’t know what to think.  


Another problem was that Lapis and Peridot were actively avoiding him. Steven didn’t understand why they were doing it. All the others spent so much time with him, supporting him, cheering him up, and Steven was so happy, his family was just amazing! He loved them so much. But he missed Lapis and Peridot. They showed up to gatherings at his house from time to time, but they always kept to themselves. Steven tried talking to them several times, but Lapis looked grim and unapproachable and Peridot was just sending him apologetic looks without saying much. Steven didn’t get it. What had he done wrong?  


Because the farm was completely destroyed, Lapis and Peridot put up several tents near the field where they used to grow vegetables. It was just for the time being, but it was something. That’s where Steven was heading right now. If Lapis and Peridot didn’t want to be friends anymore, the least they could do was look him in the face and say it.  


Steven remembered the first time he was taken prisoner by Jasper and how afterwards he wanted to distance himself from Connie afterwards. Steven wanted to protect her. He even sent her a message then that said: “I don’t want to be friends anymore”, too afraid and guilty to face her. She made him look her in the eyes, and that’s when Steven realized he couldn’t reject her like that. She was his best friend, and she always saw right through him, even when she pretended not to, for his sake. He could never stop being friends with her. Connie always supported him, she was always there for him. Connie was simply an amazing human being, and he loved her so much. 

Steven felt his cheeks heating so he stopped this train of thought. He picked up the pace, climbing uphill. He got to the crater that was left of the barn and crossed the field. On the other side of it several big tents were put up. They even managed to make the TV work somehow and, judging by the sounds, they were watching the new season of Camp Pining Hearts.  


“Lapis, Peridot!” Steven called, and a short startled shriek followed from the biggest tent. Then everything went quiet. A great start, Steven thought to himself and frowned.  


“Are you in there?” he asked, coming closer. He tried to sound friendly even though he felt hurt. Were they planning not to acknowledge his presence?  


“Yeah, we’re here. Get in,” he heard Lapis’ voice.  


Steven crouched and got into the biggest tent. Lapis and Peridot were sitting near an old TV and around them different things were laying in disarray.  


“Hey,” Steven said, smiling nervously. Lapis nodded without meeting his eyes.  


“How are you doing, Steven?” Peridot asked.  


“I’m… okay,” Steven answered. “What about you?”  


“Great, everything’s great,” Peridot said. The look on her face suggested otherwise. “We just finished watching, um, the new season…”  


“What’s going on with you guys?” Steven snapped, tired of tiptoeing around the issue. “You’re acting all weird around me ever since I got back! If you don’t want to be friends anymore the least you can do is say it to my face!” his voice trembled. Peridot opened her mouth, but Steven wasn’t done. “It’s me, isn’t it? It’s because I’m human now.”  


Tears gathered in his eyes, and Steven quickly blinked them away. He didn’t want to cry in front of them.  


“Steven,” Lapis said, pinning him with a heavy stare. “I can’t even look at you without feeling guilty.”  


Steven looked at her in bewilderment. What did she mean by that? “Guilty?”  


“I was there, I stood _right_ there near your gem. And what did I do? Nothing! We all did nothing!”  


Steven blinked. What were they supposed to do? He didn’t like talking about that day, but something was clearly bothering Lapis so he will deal.  


“I’m sorry that we couldn’t save your gem, Steven!” Peridot cried and tackled him with a hug. He hugged back, finally understanding what they both meant. So, he wasn’t the problem then? He felt relief wash over him. They could still be friends. But first Steven needed to deal with their misplaced sense of guilt.  


“You didn’t do anything wrong! _No one_ could do anything. You…” Steven was silent for a couple of seconds and then continued, discarding his building sense of unease, “White would have shattered you for sure. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you.”  


Steven looked at Lapis. Her gaze was intense and relieved at the same time. After a moment it softened. Steven opened his arms, and she smiled and hugged him.  


“Peridot, easy there,” he said, when he felt her squeezing him too hard. She let him go, muttering apologies, and Steven couldn’t help but laugh at her expression. Lapis laughed too.  


“Do you want to watch Camp Pining Hearts with us?” she offered, and Steven nodded. Everything was fine. He tried to push down the deep loneliness still sitting inside of him. With each passing day he was getting better at ignoring it.


	6. The ship

When the ship appeared in the sky, it had been exactly six months since Steven, his family and Connie came back from Homeworld. Steven, caught up in a game of volleyball with Connie and the gems, didn’t even notice it at first. Seeing Connie and Pearl stare up at the sky with matching frightened expressions, he turned to look too. The spaceship was big, and it was gleaming softly in the sunlight as it approached the beach. Steven knew this ship.  


“Lars!” he cried out excitedly. “Come on guys, let’s—”  


“How do you know it’s him?” Pearl interrupted. Looking at her Steven found that her frightened expression didn’t go away. He frowned. He _knew_ what Lars’ ship looked like. Of course it was him. Who else could it be?  


But he stayed put as the ship was approaching. A weird feeling came over him. Excitement, worry and fear, all mashed together. For half of a year now he wasn’t going on missions, wasn’t putting his life in danger, wasn’t doing any gem related stuff. Seeing this fragment of the life he used to have was… weird. Unsettling almost. And at the same time Steven felt nostalgic, yearning. That old ache of loneliness was still sitting in his chest. Steven knew logically that there was no way his gem could be on that ship. But his dumb heart still hoped.  


“Steven?” Connie’s hand landed on his shoulder. He tore his eyes away from the ship and looked at her. “Are you okay?”  


He nodded. All his feelings couldn’t be summed up in a couple of sentences anyway.  


“Maybe it’s better for you both to go to the house?” Amethyst suggested, and Steven shook his head. His gaze was glued to the ship once again.  


“No, I want to be here,” he said, fighting the urge to get closer.  


The ship landed. Its’ outer door slid open soundlessly. There stood Lars, the Off Colors behind him. Steven let out a squeal of joy and raced to them instantly. Lars, smiling widely, got down on the sand and looked around in complete astonishment. The Off Colors stepped off the ship as well, although with much more apprehension. Rhodonite was looking around nervously, Rutile twins looked ready for an attack, Fluorite blinked in the bright sunlight. Only Padparadscha seemed calm, a small smile never leaving her face.  


“Finally solid ground! Finally back!” Lars shrieked with unbridled awe and joy. Steven finally ran up to him and squeezed him in a tight hug.  


“Hi, Lars!” he shouted right in his ear, and Lars winced, but then smiled and hugged back.  


“We are back!” Lars announced, smiling like he just won everything he ever wanted. He greeted Connie, Amethyst and Pearl who came up to them.  


“I predict that Lars’ friends will greet us on Earth,” Padparadscha said.  


“So that’s… Earth?” Rhodonite said uncertainly.  


“Doesn’t look dangerous,” Rutile twins added.  


“Your star shines so brightly,” Fluorite observed but they didn’t seem to mind it.  


Steven turned to them, smiling. “Welcome to Earth! I’m so glad you guys are here!”  


The Off Colors thanked him, then exchanged greetings with Connie, Amethyst and Pearl. Lars wiggled out of Steven’s grip to walk by the edge of the water. He seemed completely enthralled by the waves. Steven walked next to him.  


“How are you feeling?” he asked.  


“I thought I’d completely lose it,” Lars said after a minute. “Half a year on the same damn ship,” he turned to the Off Colors and smiled, “If it weren’t for them, I would have snapped for sure.”  


“But you made it! You’re back home!” Steven exclaimed cheerfully. Lars sent him a strange look, and Steven’s joy died down a bit.  


“Steven, you… look different? Got taller or something?”  


Steven smiled, but the smile was hollow. Lars frowned. Steven sighed. He didn’t want to drag it out so he lifted the hem of his t-shirt, showing smooth skin _(empty space)_ where his gem used to be. Lars looked shocked. He opened his mouth but no words came out.  


“White Diamond took it. My gem.” Steven swallowed and continued in a calm, flat voice, “My gem is on Homeworld. He’s okay. But we can’t get to him.”  


Steven wanted to scream, to rage, to cry all at the same time. But he stayed quiet.  


“What?” Lars said eventually and then fell quiet too.  


The joy Steven felt from their arrival was mixed with bitterness now. Steven let go of his t-shirt and looked at the waves, moving forward and back, forward and back endlessly.  


“I need to save him,” Steven said after a while. Then turned to Lars. Lars still looked shocked, like he couldn’t believe that Steven could be defeated. That he could be separated.  


“Maybe we can fix the hyperspeed engines on your ship,” Steven said, unable to hide his desperate hope. Lars nodded and tried to smile. It was clear that he didn’t believe the engines could be fixed.  


We’ll see about that, Steven thought to himself, already thinking of the fastest way to get to Peridot, so she and Pearl could take a look at the ship.  


*  


It became clear later that there was no way of fixing the engines with Earth’s materials and technologies. The connection to Homeworld on the ship was blocked and only the owner, Emerald, could access it. They learned that after the ship started shooting destabilizing beams at poor Pearl, who was trying to fix the connection.  


They were left with nothing once again. It was hard for Steven to accept. He had to swallow his hurt, anger and disappointment. He put all those feeling away, right to the feeling of emptiness that he pushed even further. Steven didn’t want to deal with those feelings. He didn’t need to deal with them.  


The days all started to blend in together. Steven started hanging out with the Off Colors more and realized they need help with adapting to life of Earth. And Beach City needed help with adapting to new gems. He happily started on helping with that.  


They made a plan on building a new home for the Off Colors. Lapis, Peridot and Bismuth also needed one. The perfect spot turned out to be the crater where the farm used to be. At first their plan included just a couple of buildings, but Steven wanted to build a greenhouse, Peridot wanted a space for the art exhibitions, Lars wanted a place where they could all hang out together and maybe a bakery too! Soon it turned out that they were going to build so much that the place would end up being a small town!  


Steven was ecstatic about this new project. He was eager to help, and doing this meant he didn’t have to think about his gem and how Steven gave up on him. But they had no way of getting to Homeworld. Steven could only do one thing, and that was to continue living his life on Earth.  


The longer Steven went on without his gem, the harder he tried to convince himself that he was fine. He was, really! Steven had his family and friends. He was alive and living a normal life, like any other human would. A part of his identity, of his very being was lost but he was okay, honestly! If he kept telling himself that he was fine, eventually he would be. Right?


	7. The truth

There was a mistake in this report, clear as day. Pink just couldn’t figure out where. It was one of Yellow’s colonies, the one Pink hadn’t worked with before so she didn’t have much information to begin with. She clenched her fist. Tried reading the symbols and numbers again. It was useless. She closed the report.  


She had to go ask Yellow. Pink gritted her teeth. She _really_ did not want to go to Yellow. She will point out some obvious little thing that Pink missed which will make Pink look stupid.  


“Is something the matter, my brilliant Diamond?” a sweet voice chirped from the other end of the room. Pink fixed Pearl with an irritated stare. She curtsied. There was fear in her one remaining eye. Pink hated when something distracted her from performing her duties. Sometimes Pearl still dared to interrupt her work.  


“Everything is just fine,” Pink said and got up. Pearl winced slightly. “I need to visit Yellow about the report.”  


Pearl nodded in acknowledgement. If it was just one or two questions, Pink didn’t need to ask Yellow for a meeting, which was fortunate. She hated doing that.  


They went out of her chamber and walked through the long winding corridors, which connected the Palaces of the Diamonds. Pink was deep in thought. Not much time had passed since she returned to Homeworld.  


(why didn’t she remember anything of her prior life? how did she came to be? where was she grown?)  


Of course, she needed time to get used to herself and her duties.  


(why did she even need time to get used to her own _self_?)  


Homeworld was her rightful place.  


(why then she felt so numb thinking about it?)  


But the Diamonds were hiding something from her. She wasn’t stupid. She knew they had a right, she was the youngest of them  


(why was she so small compared to them? why did she look so weird? why every time that she saw her own reflection, a strange sense of emptiness filled her to the brim?)  


but it bothered her nevertheless. The looks Yellow and Blue exchanged while talking to her. Unfinished sentences, uncomfortable silence. How sometimes when Blue looked at her she had this strange glimmer in her eyes, like she wanted to… cry?  


(why would she want to cry about Pink? Pink was okay)  


She had to confront them. She tried to, once, and was promptly cut off by Yellow. She made a fool out of herself. Pink had to try and ask again. What choice did she have? Her gem would probably crumble from all the unanswered questions and unexplained feelings otherwise.  


They got to Yellow’s chamber. She could hear her and Blue’s voices from the other side. That was weird, usually no one could hear what the Diamonds talked about in their chambers. Something was wrong.  


“… about this. What else can we do?” she heard Yellow’s sharp tone that allowed no argument.  


“I can’t even look at her! She is suffering and we are letting it happen!” answered Blue, her voice trembling slightly.  


Pink had to command Pearl to open the door.  


“Give her time. Pink lost something important.” Yellow sounded unsure. It wasn’t like her to be unsure. More importantly, they were talking about _her_.  


“But she’s not getting better!” Blue cried, frustrated. Then added hesitantly, “Maybe we should go back to Earth?”  


Pink felt something very strange then. A feeling like floating almost. Like she wasn’t standing on solid ground anymore, even though she definitely did. Her Pearl took a silent step forward, raising her hand to open the door. In that same moment Pink grabbed her hand and squeezed. Pearl froze. Pink looked at her with all the feeling her gaze alone could convey.  


_**Don’t you dare.**_  


“Don’t be silly. You know it’s against White’s orders,” Yellow said, now as confident as ever.  


“ _White broke them apart,_ ” Blue hissed with sudden feeling. It seemed almost like… she was angry with White? But that couldn’t be right. “If only Steven was…”  


“Don’t say his name!” Yellow interrupted. Pink felt herself freeze up completely. Somewhere close she heard Pearl cry out in pain, but she didn’t even register it.  


Steven. _Steven_. **Steven**.  


The name sounded so familiar. She _remembered_ this name. She _**knew**_ this name. Suddenly she felt a sense of intense longing, her gem felt warm and tender.  


The door opened. Two astonished pairs of eyes looked at her. Pink lowered her hard. Absentmindedly she noticed that Pearl wasn’t standing by her side anymore. Her gem was laying on the floor, but it looked undamaged. Pink must have squeezed too hard. That didn’t matter now.  


Pink looked up at Yellow and Blue. Blue wavered. Yellow narrowed her eyes.  


“Steven,” Pink said softly, trying the name that rolled off her tongue with ease. “Who is that?”  


Blue covered her mouth, her eyes wide and alarmed. Pink didn’t care. Pink was ready to scream until the roof came down upon them, if she didn’t get an answer **right this instant.**  


“Ask White. She was the one who did this,” Yellow answered. Even she looked shaken by the burning rage in Pink’s eyes.  


“Did _what?_ ” Pink asked through gritted teeth.  


“We are not allowed to talk about this!” Blue said, her tone almost pleading.  


Pink thought for a moment. Then turned, lightly floated up and headed to the nearest warp pad that led to White’s reception room. She was fast, but it still took some moments to get there. The rage inside her sizzled, her gem felt bright and ready. Finally, she made it to the warp. A Pearl was standing near the door to White’s reception room.  


“Unfortunately, White Diamond is busy at the…” she started, but Pink paid her no mind, going forward.  


“Please, radiant Pink Diamond—”  


Pink lifted her hand, summoned a sharp piece of her shield and, without even glancing in Pearl’s direction, tore through her form in one clean cut. Pink crossed the big corridor, bathed in white light, and opened the giant doors. They yielded which was splendid, really. She wouldn’t want to crumble them to the ground.  


“Impatient as always, Starlight,” White cooed, staring at her with cold colorless eyes. “You know it’s improper—”  


“Who is Steven?” Pink interrupted. White looked surprised. Pink never saw her surprised before.  


“Who, darling?” Her surprised expression morphed into one of polite cluelessness.  


“You _know_ who.”  


“I do not have a slightest clue,” White smiled sweetly.  


Pink stomped her foot. The high invisible ceiling shook. White pursed her lips.  


“That’s quite enough, Pink.”  


“Who. Is. Steven.”  


Silence fell over them. Pink didn’t tear her gaze away from White. White didn’t lower hers. Pink _needed_ to know. Some desperate, raw part of her realized something. Hearing that name caused a gushing flow of emotions she had never experienced in her entire existence.  


Finally, White Diamond asked, brow furrowing, “Where did you even get this name from?”  


Pink was silent for a moment. She had a feeling that if she told White the truth, something might… happen to the other Diamonds. They kept secrets and they didn’t care about Pink, that was true. Still, she wouldn’t betray them.  


“I remembered,” she said, and it was very close to the truth. It felt like that name was always present in the back of her consciousness, waiting to be let out. White grimaced at her response.  


“What you call… Steven is nothing more than an absurd, pathetic organic that somehow made itself a part of you, that _confined_ you,” she said with clear disdain. “You should be grateful that I didn’t get rid of it for good…” Hearing that brought such an intense wave of fury that Pink nearly missed White’s next words.  


“But who knew what might have happened then. I did not want to risk bringing any damage to you. Well, no matter. I happily removed this creature from you. And look!” she smiled brightly. “You are a proper Diamond now, darling.”  


All of Pink’s focus went to the only thing in her speech that mattered. _Part of her_.  


“Steven was… a _part_ of me?” she asked in complete astonishment. But yes, somehow she knew that it was true.  


“In the past,” White confirmed. Her sweet fake smile was back. “But I got rid of it for you.”  


“Where… is she now?” asked Pink, still struggling to accept the fact that she was apparently fused with an organic. And didn’t remember a single thing about it.  


The smile was gone from White’s face as if it was never there.  


“Does that matter in any way, dear?” she asked.  


What was it that Blue said? _“Maybe we should go back to Earth?”_  


“She’s on Earth,” Pink said, hardly daring to believe it. “On my own colony.”  


“Your colony _in the past_. It’s time we forget about that miserable piece of rock. It brought us nothing but problems. Now, you’ve got your answers which you seemed so eager to get.” White pulled up her holographic panel. “Next time please don’t touch Pearl, darling.”  


It was a clear dismissal, but Pink couldn’t leave it at that. Why? She didn’t know. Steven. The name held an importance to it. A desperation for _something_. No, she couldn’t leave just yet.  


“I want to go to Earth,” Pink said, surprising herself. White Diamond froze. Then looked at her in a way that made her want to lock herself in her chamber. But Pink wasn’t going to run, not this time.  


“What?” White spat, clutching at the armrests of her throne. Now she was _enraged_. Pink tried to keep calm.  


“I want to have Steven.”  


White stared in complete disbelief. Then her face scrunched in disdain.  


_**“Why?”**_  


Pink raked her brain for an answer. She didn’t have one. So she said something she thought would satisfy White the most.  


“She will… help me concentrate. I can’t perform my duties adequately.”  


“You perform your duties perfectly fine! Now get _out_.” White raised her voice slightly. The walls trembled.  


“No.”  


White started to lift her hand. She was preparing to send Pink to her room without giving her the chance to explain. Pink had to convince her. She had to think logically. What would work? Manipulation? She could try that.  


“If you won’t let me do this, White, then I refuse to perform my duties altogether,” she said evenly, but inside she was almost shaking. Her gem had never felt so alive than in this moment. _She needed to do this_.  


White’s hand stopped moving.  


“You wouldn’t dare,” White said, narrowing her eyes in warning.  


“I will lock myself in my chamber and shatter _to dust_ anyone who dares to come close. I refuse to follow your lead in this case. I am a Diamond too.”  


White looked at her with her mouth slightly opened. In any other situation Pink would never dare to undermine her own position like that. She was willingly denying her entire purpose. Unthinkable! But she needed Steven. She _needed_ her. And Pink would get her, by any means necessary.  


Finally, White said, barely able to contain her fury, “To throw away **everything** and for what?! What a delight you are, Pink! Fine, you can go to Earth, you can go to another end of the universe for all I care. If you need this pathetic, useless, _mortal_ creature by your side, then of course, be my guest! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”  


She said it like Pink suddenly lost her mind and was of no interest to White any longer.  
Pink didn’t answer, just bowed with precision and grace. Then she turned and left the room. It was hard to believe that she got what she wanted. She made White cave. Pink never thought it was possible. It was exhilarating.  


Her Pearl was waiting outside the reception room. Good.  


“Prepare my ship, Pearl,” Pink ordered. “A small crew. We’re leaving during the next half-cycle.”  


Pearl bowed. “Our destination, my Diamond?”  


“Earth.”


	8. The meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I strongly associate the song Prey by The Neighbourhood with this chapter:)

“How did you win _again?_ ” Steven asked, tugging at his hair lightly. He looked at the game field, perplexed. Connie giggled.  


“Garnet, are there any futures where I win?” he asked Garnet, who was sitting beside him.  


“Unfortunately, no,” she stated, and Connie laughed.  


“I don’t think you understand the rules of the game, dude,” Amethyst said. She was sitting on the kitchen counter, munching on the carton of eggs. The eggs themselves were neatly placed in a row beside her.  


Steven sighed. It seemed like she was right. The rules were confusing!  


“Why isn’t dad here yet?” he whined, just to say something.  


“Steven, are you five years old?” Connie teased, and Steven laughed. He was allowed to miss his dad, he hadn’t seen him for a week! Either he was busy being a music manager (so cool!), or Steven himself had work to do.  


“Are you sure you don’t want to eat the zucchini pancakes that I made?” Pearl asked from upstairs. She was cleaning his room, again. Steven tried to tell her that she doesn’t have to do it anymore, that he’s been healthy for a long time, that he can do it himself. Sometimes she still did it. She liked doing things for him, and sometimes he let it slide.  


At that moment they heard a low humming noise coming from outside. It was familiar somehow. It got darker all at once.  


“What is it?” Connie said.  


Pearl was in the living room in a flash, already looking worried. Steven got up and went outside. A huge pink ship was in the sky, hovering right at the beach. Steven couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It was _his_ ship.  


“Oh my God,” Connie murmured, standing by his side. Steven ran down the stairs.  


Voices called for him, but he paid them no mind. Garnet landed close and put her hand on his shoulder, making him stop. They looked at the huge ship that was swiftly landing on the sand. It touched the ground lightly and noiselessly, like it weighed nothing.  


Steven held his breath. Four years had passed since he got back from Homeworld. He didn’t want to raise his hope now, but he craved and hoped nonetheless. A small sphere materialized on the sand not far from them. It was colored pink. It seemed like it was the only thing in the world worth Steven’s attention right now. His heart hammered in his chest, all conscious thoughts left his head.  


The sphere dissolved. Two gems were left in its place. A Pearl that Steven saw in White’s head, now clothed in pink and… Steven couldn’t believe he was actually seeing this. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He was stunned. Amazed. Delighted. He felt almost _whole_.  


Tears ran down his cheeks. His gem. That was his gem standing _right in front of him_. Here at last. Steven shook off Garnet’s grip. His gem’s stare didn’t leave Steven for a second.  


“Steven,” he said, and Steven was hit with a wave of pure happiness. Steven ran the remaining few meters and hugged him fiercely. The gem was standing still for some moments, and then hugged back. Finally touching him closed the gaping maw of incompleteness and loneliness inside Steven. He continued crying, relieved, he was so _relieved_.  


“I didn’t… think I’d ever see you again,” Steven said, sniffling. Then he drew away slightly, looking at his gem. He was shorter than Steven was, and he looked like the exact copy of him when he was fourteen. He was wearing a dress and he also glowed bright pink. Steven giggled, he looked so cute. His gem narrowed his eyes, looking at him, then at himself, then a bright light washed over his form… Steven blinked, trying to get his eyes to work past the blinding flash. Now his gem looked like the exact copy of him. Well, except for his eyes. Steven was a little unsettled, looking straight into diamond shaped pupils. His eyes were radiant pink, like the rest of him.  


“Wow, okay, hello,” he said, smiling.  


“Hello, Steven,” his gem said, not tearing his gaze away from him.  


“Hey, son, you okay there?” he heard his dad’s voice. Steven turned, seeing the van parked close and his dad standing there with a worried expression. Steven smiled brightly at him.  


“Yeah, dad, totally fine!”  


His gem tightened the embrace, unwilling to let go.  


“Are you ready?” Steven asked, turning back to his other half. The gem frowned, looking lost. That was cute too.  


“For what, Steven?” he asked. It was a bit weird how he kept calling him “Steven” when they were technically… you know what, this whole situation was weird.  


“For fusing,” Steven smiled.  


Something in the gem’s expression changed. He looked over Steven’s shoulder. Steven turned. The Crystal gems, Connie and his dad were all standing at some distance. They all looked bewildered and maybe slightly unsettled.  


“Don’t worry, they’re great, and they love you! Well, us, I mean.”  


Steven couldn’t wait to fuse back, but he also wanted to be patient with his gem. He couldn’t stop smiling, he was going to be _whole_. The gem was quiet for a bit and then he said, “We’re leaving.”  


Steven’s eyebrows drew up.  


“And where are we going exactly?”  


His gem looked at him, and his diamond shaped pupils grew suddenly larger. “To Homeworld.”  


“What?” Steven asked, the smile leaving his face.  


“Pearl—”  


“Wait,” Steven interrupted, trying to break the embrace. The gem just held on tighter. Steven looked at him, the gem’s strange eyes staring right back. They were definitely unsettling combined with his impassive face. “Don’t you want to fuse?”  


“No.”  


The gem said it like it was the most natural thing to say. Steven didn’t understand anything.  


“What are you planning to do to Steven?” Pearl asked, and the gem looked at her. He looked almost… irritated.  


“Look, let’s talk about this,” Steven said in a calming tone. He tried to pull away again, but his gem was strong and he didn’t seem keen on letting go.  


“My Diamond, the crew is starting to worry,” Pearl said, the pink one, looking at his gem. Steven looked at her. Then at… his gem?  


“Let Steven go,” Garnet growled, transforming her gauntlets and _that_ was bad.  


“Hey, guys, wait, we can talk about this—” Steven started, but then his gem lifted his hand, summoning his (their) shield. It looked… different, all sharp edges and flat gleaming surface.  


“Wait, listen, Garnet is just—”  


The shield expanded outwards unexpectedly and with such force that everyone who stood close fell back, and Garnet… Blue and red gems fell on the sand.  


“What are you doing? Stop! It’s our _family!_ ” Steven cried, enraged, taking hold of the gem’s shoulders with the intent of shaking him. He didn’t succeed of course. The gem stared at him, uncomprehending.  


“Steven, he’s not your gem anymore!” Pearl cried, and he wrenched around to see that her spear was drawn. “It’s a Diamond from Homeworld!”  


No, no, it couldn’t be…  


Pearl charged. His gem raised his hand, summoning another shield.  


“Will you stop it already?!” Steven shouted and his gem started, dropping the shield. Pink Pearl appeared before them in an instant, crossing her weapon with his Pearl.  


“Not a step closer,” Pink Pearl said in an alarmingly steely tone. Then added, looking at his gem, “Jaspers are ready to get down for support, my Diamond.”  


“That will not be necessary,” his gem said calmly.  


“Of course it won’t be,” Steven said, outraged. What was his gem _doing?_ “Let me go right now!”  


“No.”  


Steven tried to calm himself down. Being angry will make the situation worse. His gem spent a long time living on Homeworld. But they could talk. He was a part of him. Steven knew how to handle himself… right? Both Pearls stood close, poised, ready for battle, but he turned all his attention to his gem. Steven had to convince him.  


“Look,” Steven said in a soft voice, and the gem turned his gaze to him immediately. “I understand that you’re… excited about our meeting. I am too! But I will not go anywhere, I promise. We can just talk. We don’t have to fight. Please.”  


His words and his pleading gaze seemed to get an effect. His gem furrowed his brow pensively. Steven waited with bated breath.  


“We don’t have much time. White will be waiting for me,” he said finally.  


Steven froze where he stood. He forgot where he was, getting lost momentarily between the reality and his own thoughts. All he could see were long sharp nails, reaching for him. White broke them apart, and his gem wanted to deliver him to her _again?_  


The sounds of battle returned Steven to reality all at once, as if he jumped in ice cold water. Both Pearls were fighting close, Amethyst was trying to get to them, but it wasn’t easy to dodge sharp shards of the shield. The shards could easily hurt her gem and Connie was running with her sword, oh no, no, that wasn’t supposed to happen! His gem was attacking them. His gem could _hurt his family._  


“Stop it! Please!” Steven shouted desperately. Then turned to the gem who was still holding him in an iron grip and said, “I’ll go with you, I’ll do whatever you want, just please, don’t hurt them!”  


His gem frowned again, looking at Steven, and then… he let Steven go. Steven took a step back, bewildered. The gem lifted and spread his hands, and suddenly the ground beneath them shook. Steven wobbled, but didn’t fall. It was like shock wave, everyone was thrown back. Steven cried out, seeing how his dad, Connie, Amethyst and Pearls landed on the ground hard. Lapis, Bismuth and Peridot (when did they get here?) fell too. His gem lowered his hands. Where did all that power _come from?_  


Pink Pearl got to her feet unsteadily. Connie did too. Everyone else remained on the ground, but they didn’t seem hurt and they were conscious. His gem turned to him then, and Steven flinched back.  


“Now we can go.”  


He extended his gloved hand to Steven. Was this really his gem?  


Steven lifted his own hand hesitantly. He was human now. And there was no way his family was a match for a Diamond. He had to leave, if the gem wanted him to. He can talk to him later, with his family safely away. Steven could persuade him to come back to Earth. He had to.  


“Wait!” Connie cried, and his gem looked at her, not lowering his hand. She met his gaze, unwavering. “Steven is a human. If you take him to Homeworld, he will die there. You don’t have conditions to support organic life!”  


That was true. He needed to eat at the very least.  


“I’ll create the conditions,” his gem said, but he didn’t sound as unshakably certain as before.  


“I’m sure they have _lots_ of information on Homeworld about how to care for an organic creature,” Connie said innocently. She wasn’t afraid of him, Steven realized. His gem was a Diamond who could overpower the Crystal gems with a wave of his hand, but she… she wasn’t scared at all.  


His gem frowned again (seemed like he did that a lot), then looked around. A tiny hope kindled inside Steven. Maybe everything will turn out fine in the end.  


“Peridot,” his gem called suddenly. “Up.”  


Peridot, who was laying next to Lapis, stood up on shaking legs.  


“Don’t you dare to touch her,” Lapis growled, trying to get up too.  


“Stay down,” his gem said, making her fall forcefully back. Steven wanted to say something, but couldn’t get the words out. How was his gem _doing_ it? It was awful.  


“Report, Peridot. The length of time spent on planet Earth,” the gem continued with an air of authority. He didn’t even look at Lapis.  


“Two turns and more than seven hundred cycles, Pink Diamond,” Peridot reported, wincing.  


“Knowledge of the conditions suitable for organic life?”  


“Extensive, Pink Diamond,” she hissed, looking at him with anger burning in her eyes.  


Steven understood then what his gem intended to do. He wanted to bring Peridot with them too so that she could what, create some food for him on Homeworld?  


“Wait, listen, don’t touch her or, or anybody,” Steven said and his gem turned to him, visibly annoyed. Steven fell silent under his heavy, unyielding gaze. He looked away and noticed that Pearl managed to get up and was now walking slowly towards them. Steven met her eyes and saw how much she loved him and wanted to protect him. Steven began tearing up. He looked at his dad, who was laying near the van and looking back at him. He looked at Lapis, Bismuth and Amethyst. They were all trying to get up in vain. He looked at Connie, who looked back and tried to smile. Finally, he looked to Peridot, and she looked so serious, like she was ready to fearlessly take on the Diamond herself.  


He had to protect them.  


Steven looked at his gem again, but the gem was looking at Pink Pearl.  


“Pearl, we are leaving,” his gem said as Steven opened his mouth to convince him to leave Peridot alone.  


All around him light appeared, and Steven closed his eyes. Then they were on the ship that Steven piloted to Homeworld four years ago. Back then he had the gems and Connie by his side, and they were all filled with hope of helping the corrupted gems on Earth.  


Steven wiped at his eyes. At least his gem left Peridot and the others alone. And Steven will manage. He will come up with a way to come back. He made this silent promise as Pink Pearl guided him to sit down close to the control panel. His gem stepped onto the control panel. He launched the ship incredibly fast and with precise grace.  


Then they were speeding away from Earth.


	9. What now?

Pink arrived on Homeworld after one fourth of a cycle. She hoped White wouldn’t send her a notification for a meeting. She was too tired for one. She wanted to look at Steven again, to touch her again. Every time she did that, deep unknown emotions bloomed inside. But her duties always came first.  


She stepped down from the control panel and Pearl came up to her with Steven. Steven looked at her with a weird expression. Pink found it hard to tear her eyes away. They moved from the ship to the departure area in the Pink Palace. The ship was left outside where it will be taken care of. Two Jaspers were saluting her. Pink motioned for them to come closer.  


“Take Steven to my chamber,” she said to the first one. “Watch so that _nothing_ happens to her and _no one_ approaches her.”  


“Yes, my Diamond,” she said, unflinching. Good. Pink turned to the other one.  


“There is a Peridot on the ship that knows how to care for organic—”  


“What?” Steven interrupted. Both Jaspers winced. No gem dared to interrupt a Diamond, except for the other Diamonds. Pink glowered, but Steven just glowered back. It was baffling.  


“Did you bring her here? I told you to leave her alone!”  


“She has the knowledge of how to care for organic life,” Pink answered. She thought she made that clear earlier.  


“I also have this knowledge! _I’m_ organic life!” Steven said indignantly.  


It seemed like dealing with her will prove harder than expected. Pink looked at Steven, then at Jasper, who hovered uncertainly nearby.  


“Should I repeat my order?” Pink asked coldly, and Jasper instantly answered with, “No, my Diamond!”  


Then she grabbed Steven’s arm and started leading her away. Steven tried to free herself from her grip. Pink didn’t like that another gem was touching her Steven, but it was necessary now.  


“Are you seriously going to ignore me?!” Steven shouted, frustrated. It was so interesting to see how the expressions changed on her face. Now Steven stared at her with bright, angry eyes. “You have no right to keep us here!”  


Jasper made one step after another, dragging Steven with her. Pink hoped Jasper wasn’t hurting Steven, or else she wouldn’t hesitate to shatter her.  


“Send Peridot back! Don’t you dare to keep her locked up here!” Steven continued to shout even as he was led further. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”  


Pink clenched her fists, trying to stay calm. There really _was_ something wrong with her if she got into a serious fight with White over _this!_ Her gem pulsated angrily inside her form. No. She unclenched her hands. Pink needed Steven. She didn’t know why, but she will find out. She had her now.  


She looked at the second Jasper and continued like nothing had happened, “I’m quite sure Peridot will cooperate. Contact an Agate, I want a group formed to assess the information and make necessary contraptions if need be. The most important information is life supporting mechanisms. I allow to use any resources necessary. If something is needed urgently, get it to my chamber as soon as possible. And contact me if there are any questions or uncertainties.”  


“Yes, my Diamond,” Jasper said.  


“That will be all.”  


Pink turned to Pearl.  


“What’s with the latest reports, Pearl?” she asked, masking her own tiredness with stern voice.  


“At the moment you have three hundred and fifty-four unanswered reports. Thirty seven of them require your immediate attention,” Pearl reported. Pink had an overwhelming urge to lock up in her chamber with Steven. Even if all Steven did was shout at her. She nodded instead and walked through one of the corridors to a resting chamber. She will work there. It will also give Steven time to calm down. Pink didn’t know what she could do if Steven kept shouting like that. She didn’t want to hurt her.  


She should pay a visit to Blue and Yellow but even thinking about it made her gem warm with anger. They lied to her face. Just like White did. They didn’t care about her. They had no respect for her.  


But she learned the truth anyway. And now she has Steven. She will not let this chance go to waste.  


*  


After she was done with the thirty seventh report, Pink closed the panel, content. Now she could check up on Steven. She hoped that the organic had calmed down.  


Pink made her way back to her chamber. Pearl followed her, silent as always.  


Pink didn’t fully understand how she was supposed to interact with Steven. It seemed like Steven had so much energy and a thousand emotions. She seemed so… different. Pink could hardly believe they were once fused together.  


(and how could she completely forget that she was in a fusion with an _organic creature?_ )  


Steven… was a “human being”, as she learned from Pearl. Pink knew nothing about human beings. A strange sense of uncertainty came over her. It was ridiculous. Humans weren’t that complicated. She could deal with Steven.  


“Pearl, stay outside. I want to speak to Steven alone. Contact me if something urgent needs my attention,” she ordered when they got to the door.  


“Of course, my Diamond,” Pearl said.  


Pink entered her chamber. She didn’t notice Steven at first and a wave of fear hit her instantly. Then Pink heard her breath and saw her, laying on the elevated part of the room near the balcony. She floated up and landed next to her quietly. Steven was just laying on the pillows without moving. Her eyes were closed. Was something wrong? Pink had no idea. The fear she had experienced before seemed nonexistent in comparison to the terror she felt now.  


“Steven?”  


No answer. She couldn’t leave her. She couldn’t. Steven was _everything_. She gripped at Steven’s shoulders, shaking her. Everything was dissolving into panic.  


At that moment Steven groaned and opened her eyes.  


“Steven!” Pink cried out. “Are you alright?”  


Steven opened her mouth wide, then closed it. Pink tightened her grip.  


“Ow, ow, stop, I was just sleeping!”  


Pink made herself let go, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do.  


“Sleeping?” she repeated, confused.  


“Yeah,” Steven replied, clearly annoyed. “Sleeping. That’s what people do when they are tired. See, I can tell you all about organics and how to treat them! You can let Peridot go.”  


Steven still tried to give orders, unbelievable. Some explanations seemed to be needed. She will try to keep it simple, for Steven’s sake.  


“First and foremost, do not interrupt me again. Those Jaspers were probably thinking: “She’s supposed to be a pet, why is she talking over a Diamond?” It’s not supposed to happen. A certain hierarchy is in place, you see. Second, do not try to order me around or say what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m a Diamond, and you are an organic creature.”  


These were such simple truths. Steven looked at her with a weird expression on her face.  


“First and foremost,” she started, clearly copying Pink, “you’re using the wrong pronouns. Second, if you do something wrong, why wouldn’t I tell you about it? And I’m not a _pet_ ,” she spat the last word out like it was poison. Pink giggled. Steven was joking, right?  


“What are pronouns?” Pink asked curiously, not taking her eyes off the human. She realized that she wanted to press closer, to hold Steven. What a strange desire. Steven didn’t seem annoyed with the question, just perplexed. That was good.  


“Well, you used ‘she’ when addressing me. But my pronouns are ‘he’, ‘him’ and ‘his’.”  


He, him, his? Pink felt like she knew that. The knowledge that Steven is a “he” was sitting inside her, waiting to be let out, just like his name earlier. It fit neatly into place now.  


“Steven… he?”  


It sounded unusual and familiar at the same time.  


“Yeah!” Steven said, sounding pleased. “What about you? I keep using male pronouns for you in my head…”  


Pink tilted her head to the side. She always addressed herself like any gem would. Maybe the feeling of wrongness she felt every time when being addressed was… connected to that somehow? Maybe she could… he could… It clicked. Just like with Steven, a knowledge that he was _not_ a “she”.  


“You don’t have to answer now, sometimes it’s not—”  


“He. I want to try.”  


“Okay,” Steven smiled. She – no, he had a beautiful smile.  


“Uh, look…” Steven continued, looking unsure, the smile disappearing. He had a new expression on his face. Anticipation and… fear?  


“Do you really intend to take me to White?” he asked.  


Pink was silent for a couple of moments. Why would Steven even think that? The human lowered his gaze and started wringing his hands nervously.  


“No,” Pink answered. “Why would I do that? I intend to keep you as far away from her as I can. I will not let her take you.”  


“Oh, that’s good,” Steven said, relaxing. The fearful expression wasn’t there anymore. Pink really wanted to touch him. So he did.  


He touched his arm carefully, then drew a line to Steven’s shoulder, feeling the smooth, warm skin. Steven was looking at him curiously. Pink touched the material his shoulders and chest was covered with, and it seemed like it wasn’t a part of his form, like it could be moved somehow. Pink moved his hand lower and tested his guess. He was proven right when he touched Steven’s bare stomach.  


“Hey, stop, I’m ticklish!” Steven giggled. Pink didn’t know what “ticklish” meant. He tried again. Steven laughed, trying to push his hand away, but Pink kept tracing his skin with light and firm touches, experimenting. Steven couldn’t stop laughing, and Pink couldn’t stop looking at him.  


“Sto— hahaha, stop it, that’s enough!” Steven said between bouts of laughter. Pink didn’t want to stop. His gem felt warm. He started smiling too, the action of tugging the corners of his mouth up felt unusual. His form was quivering slightly from the onslaught of emotions, but it felt… nice. He wanted to smile when he saw Steven do it.  


Steven’s laughter meant that he was happy, right? That he was enjoying it as much as Pink did, experiencing the same warm emotions. Finally, tears started to leak out of the corners of Steven’s eyes, and Pink stopped immediately.  


“My stomach hurts now,” Steven breathed out heavily. Pink frowned. The pleasant emotions were gone as fast as they appeared.  


“Did I hurt you?” Pink asked. His gem felt like it constricted painfully inside his form. Steven shook his head. The feeling settled. Pink wasn’t used to experiencing such strong emotions, especially not at the same time. Why did Steven make him feel this way?  


“Uh, look… what should I call you?” Steven asked. Pink looked at him, puzzled.  


“I mean, do you have a name? In my head I keep calling you “my gem” and—”  


“You can call me Pink.”  


A strange expression came over Steven’s face, one Pink couldn’t decipher.  


“O-okay. You don’t mind… being called that?”  


Pink arched his eyebrow. He was Pink Diamond. Why would he mind?  


“Alright, we’ll talk about this later,” Steven said, looking at him with a serious expression. Pink was captivated. That was a new feeling too. “If you don’t want to get the information about organic life from me, fine. But you do understand that once you get all the basics from Peridot, you should send her back to Earth, right?”  


Pink didn’t like that Steven tried, yet again, to give him orders. Did he not explain it well? He didn’t feel like lecturing Steven at the moment, so he simply asked, “Why send her to Earth?”  


“It’s her home.”  


“No. Her home is here. She was made here,” Pink corrected.  


“But she didn’t like it here. She wants to live on Earth. Her friends are there,” Steven said in a soft voice. Did he really think Pink would change his mind? That was ridiculous.  


“Her purpose is to help our Empire and assist higher ranking gems. That’s what she was _made_ for.”  


“But she wasn’t happy here,” Steven continued even softer. He reached and took Pink’s hand in his own. “Are _you_ happy here?”  


“And what would you mean by that?” Pink asked coldly. Steven’s face fell. Pink drew his hand away and got up. Was Steven implying that Pink was a traitor to Homeworld? That he wasn’t fit for his duties? Or was he trying to convince Pink to return him back to Earth? As if that will ever happen.  


“I have to go,” Pink continued in his icy tone that made all his servants freeze up in fright. He floated down to the door.  


“Pink, wait!” Steven cried out, but he couldn’t climb down as fast with his human legs. “That’s not what I meant!”  


That’s exactly what you meant, Pink thought grimly. The door closed after him. Pink didn’t want to admit that Steven’s words touched on an old fear sitting inside of him. The fear of not being fit to rule. But if Pink starts doubting himself, he will definitely not make a good ruler. Diamonds didn’t doubt. Diamonds set an example. Diamonds always knew what they were doing.  


Still, Pink had to admit that there was a grain of truth in what Steven had tried to say to him.


	10. A prisoner?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder for you guys: all these chapters that I'm posting were written earlier, that's why I'm updating so frequently. I don't actually write that fast or anything:D
> 
> There is one curse word in this chapter, but I feel like Steven deserves to use it haha

Steven sat back on the pillows, disappointed. He thought he could convince his gem of his wrongdoings, but it was foolish to think that it would be easy. They spent too much time apart, that’s why they couldn’t connect now. It wasn’t that easy to fix.  


He fell back on the pillows, thinking.  


Steven wasn’t sure if they could fuse now even. Pink was… Sure, he looked like Steven and in some ways reminded him of himself, but at the same time the gem was… a Diamond. That was the root of the problem. Pink was a part of Steven, but for the past four years he lived on Homeworld among other Diamonds. And now they couldn’t fuse. Pink didn’t even want to fuse, it seemed like, though he was kind of clingy. Pink chose his (their?) mother’s title for a name! That just felt… wrong. What had the Diamonds done to his gem?  


It seemed like Pink – ugh, it still felt so weird to call him that, but Steven had to get used to it, – didn’t want to hurt Steven. On the other hand, he treated Steven’s opinion like a joke. He had said Steven was a pet. Steven cringed. And when Steven talked to him about Peridot, no emotion or recognition showed on the gem’s face, as if she were a complete stranger. Something was clearly wrong with him.  


Steven sighed, closing his eyes. He had so many questions. It didn’t seem like his gem was coming back any time soon though. He felt hungry and really thirsty. He hoped Pink wouldn’t let him starve, but he had no idea now. Steven couldn’t deal with a part of himself, how ridiculous was that? And others suffered, as usual. His gem hurt his family and took him away from them. Now his gem refused to listen to him. What was Steven supposed to do? What _could_ he do, locked up in this room as he was? Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes, but he blinked them away. He could do it. Somehow, he will manage. The Earth was safe now. His family was safe. That’s what mattered most.  


Some time passed. Steven continued staring at the ceiling. There was nothing else to do. He definitely didn’t want to go out on the balcony and look at White’s ship. Steven wasn't keen on having another panic attack, like the one he had when he was shoved in Pink’s room by Jasper. Steven tried not to think about anything. He tried to fall asleep again, but last time he succumbed to sleep out of pure exhaustion. He didn’t feel exhausted now, his body needed food and water, not sleep.  


At that moment the door opened. Steven sat up and turned, looking down from the elevated part of the room to the door. He expected to see Pink, but it was Jasper, the same who dragged him to this room some hours ago. She looked a little like Jasper he knew.  


“Oh, uh, hello?” Steven said hesitantly. He got up and started to get down, using the steps appearing right under his feet.  


“By the order of Pink Diamond the conditions for organic life to exist will be set up in the chamber,” Jasper said, as if reiterating the order. “My order is to escort Steven to the resting chamber.”  


“Wait,” Steven said, stopping right in front of her. “Why can’t I stay here?”  


“Instruments and…” Jasper paused, looking for the right word. “Mechanisms can hurt organic… matter.”  


“You mean my body,” Steven snickered. Jasper looked at him, seemingly at a loss. Then she tried to grab his arm, like last time.  


“Hey!” Steven moved away quickly. “I can walk on my own, you know.”  


She looked exasperated now, brow furrowed.  


“I promise I won’t run away,” Steven smiled.  


“If something happens to Steven, Pink Diamond will…” Jasper didn’t finish, but fear showed clear on her face. Steven wanted to assure her that Pink wouldn’t hurt her. But the truth was… he wasn’t sure himself.  


She grabbed at his arm again. This time Steven didn’t protest. They went out of the room and went through one huge corridor after another. Steven was turning his head this way and that as they walked. Last time he was on Homeworld was a long time ago, and back then he was too busy trying to change the Diamond’s minds to notice what the Palaces looked like. The walls of the Palace were light pink, no surprise here, and it seemed like Homeworld gems were _really_ into murals. And weirdly shaped columns. The Diamonds, galaxies and stars on the murals were impeccable, shining and reflecting light beautifully, but they seemed soulless, distant and cold. Steven didn’t like these murals much.  


Finally, they reached huge pink doors. Jasper opened them and lead Steven inside.  


The resting chamber was a huge room with same columns and murals. The floor was littered with pillows, but what immediately captured his attention was the high glass ceiling. Steven stared. Through the glass he could see spires of the palace reaching up, delicate and airy. The sky on Homeworld was constant pale pink turning to white color. Along one of the walls a platform stretched from which more could be seen.  


“Let’s go up!” Steven said excitedly.  


“No,” was Jasper’s immediate answer.  


“Why not? I’m not gonna jump from there, and the glass is probably super thick. And you can still hold my arm! Come on, please?”  


He looked at her with a pleading look that always worked with the Crystal gems. She raised her eyebrows. Then looked around, as if expecting to see someone else in the room besides them.  


“Alright,” she said, and Steven smiled triumphantly. They started crossing the huge room. Steven kept glancing upwards, to the sky and the spires. He was so, so tired of the ceiling in Pink’s room.  


They made it to the platform and Steven looked at the view. He was glad the room didn’t face the big square with White’s ship, he was tired of seeing that too. Instead, he looked at the city that was stretching before him. It was colorful and filled with unusual buildings in geometrical forms. Different angles and shapes all blended together and glittering tubes were circling around the buildings, their purpose unknown to him. Triangles and cubes were balancing on their tips, there were skyscrapers the likes of which he had never seen before. Steven forgot how stunning the city was. It looked massive, but also strangely empty, as if all the gems were staying inside colorful buildings or were so far away down that they couldn’t be seen. The city looked never ending, continuing as far as the eye could see.  


For some time, Steven was captivated by the dazzling beauty that was Homeworld. Then a thought came to him, unbidden. He was trapped here. He couldn’t get out. And even if he could, Pink would find him. Steven was forced to live here, on this alien planet, with unknown gems. And now he was just a human. He couldn’t activate warp pads or pilot ships, he couldn’t even open a door! He was trapped, and help won’t be coming. Not this time. 

Trying to distract himself from these thoughts, he looked at Jasper again.  


“You wouldn’t know if the gems working in Pink’s room now have water or food with them, would you?” he asked.  


“No.”  


“Oh, okay,” he wilted. “So… for how long have you been… in Pink’s service?”  


“Since she returned to us.”  


Jasper didn’t seem eager to talk, but Steven did not want to stay silent and she was his only option. What else could he ask her?  


“Why is everything here so huge if Pink is so small?”  


He knew his mother was bigger, but she was still the smallest of the Diamonds. Why would she need the halls to be this huge?  


“The Palaces were built so that the Diamonds could visit each other if they so wished,” Jasper answered. Well, that made sense.  


“So… White could come for a visit?”  


Steven refused to be scared. Jasper looked at him like he was out of his mind.  


“White Diamond only accepts visits in the reception room of her Palace,” she said, and Steven breathed out, relieved.  


He wondered how Yellow and Blue were doing. He hoped that they were alright, that White weren’t controlling them anymore. God, how was he supposed to deal with this mess when even his own gem didn’t want to help? He turned to the window again, but the view wasn’t captivating anymore. Steven looked at Jasper again and asked, “Couldn’t we… take a walk around the Palace?”  


Jasper shook her head.  


“Oh come on, I’m human, organic,” he said the word that was more familiar to her. “There’s no way I can escape, even if I wanted to.”  


“Pink Diamond’s order is to stay here.”  


She wouldn’t budge. Steven thought for a moment.  


“You can send Pink a message and ask about it!” Jasper’s stare turned shocked and confused. Didn’t she understand what a message was? Steven tried again, “You can write to her? Send her, like, a hologram or something. You must communicate to her somehow—”  


“I do not communicate with _Pink Diamond_ ,” Jasper said, sounding almost scared. “A gem of my position would never dare to step out of line like that.”  


Oh, so that was the problem. Steven could work with that.  


“You’re lucky then because I, uh, communicate with hi… her!”  


Jasper looked very suspicious.  


“It’s true!” Steven said, putting on his most honest face. “Or else I wouldn’t be in her room! Can I use your, uh…”  


What were those holographic things called that gems used on Homeworld?  


“My holographic panel?” Jasper suggested and Steven smiled, “Exactly!”  


She didn’t look convinced, but she pulled up the panel. Steven was so curious, but he had to look like he knew what he was doing. He poked at the orange screen. Nothing happened.  


“I don’t think it will react to Steven’s touch. Holographic panels are not suited to be used by organic,” Jasper said.  


“Really?” Steven whined, disappointed, and she nodded. That made sense. It still sucked. But Steven refused to give up like that.  


“Then write a message and sign it with my name. Pink will get it. And I wouldn’t know how to write in your language anyway.”  


Jasper looked suddenly nervous, and Steven felt guilty. But was he asking for much? It was just a message. He just wanted to see the Palace. Was he really a prisoner here, to be locked in one goddamn room until he goes mad?! Steven refused to believe that.  


“Pink wants me to learn more about Homeworld,” he said, raising his voice. “Why else would he bring me here? Why would he keep me in _his own room_ if I weren’t close to him? I even look like him!” he cried out angrily. Jasper turned the panel and started typing something. At least that’s what it looked like. Then she closed it.  


“I sent your… request to Pink Diamond,” she said awkwardly. Steven stood still for a couple of seconds, surprised, and then smiled at her brightly.  


“Thanks, Jasper!”  


Now she looked surprised.  


Having some semblance of control in this situation felt nice. Gems were still listening to him. He wasn’t just an organic, or a _pet_. Right?  


A minute passed in silence, then something buzzed softly. Jasper pulled up the panel. Steven shifted from foot to foot anxiously.  


“No,” was all she said.  


Steven sighed, hunching his shoulders.  


“Why not?”  


“Doesn’t say anything else.”  


So far dealing with his gem proved to be really fucking difficult.


	11. Connection

They spent around an hour in the resting chamber, and Steven really, _really_ needed to go to the toilet. He hoped that whatever the gems were doing back in Pink’s room, it included a toilet.  


Finally, Jasper took him back. Steven thought maybe he would see gems working, but the room was empty. Steven sighed, he would like to have some company. Even Pebbles were hiding somewhere. Jasper disappeared immediately, without even saying goodbye. Oh well, she had places to be, unlike Steven.  


The only thing that was different in the room now was a rectangular pink shape without any windows, but with a door. It looked kind of like a room. The walls looked to be the same weird material that was used everywhere in the Palace (some kind of metal? It was hard, but not cold). The door looked normal at least, it was a simple wooden door. Just like back home. Steven blinked, walked over and turned the handle. Then he stared, bewildered. The inside of the room looked exactly like the bathroom of his own home. The bathtub, the sink and the toilet, even the shower curtain. There were tiles on the floor, or at least it looked like tiles. Steven walked over and tried flushing the toilet. It worked. How did they manage to build it in just a couple of hours?  


Steven used the toilet, then walked over to the sink. A mirror was hanging over it. Steven looked at his reflection. He didn’t look his best at the moment. He was pale, there were bags under his eyes, and his hair was a mess. He sighed, washed his hands and drank from the tap. It dulled his hunger a bit. Then Steven looked in the mirror again. Standing here, he could almost imagine that he was back home. Almost. Steven couldn’t hold back tears anymore. He moved to the corner of the room, where the bathtub met the wall, curled up there and started crying.  


He wanted to go home. He missed everyone so much, and he was so worried. How were they doing back on Earth, without him? Was Garnet okay? What about Pearl, Amethyst and Connie? His dad? Lapis? Bismuth? He never wanted to leave them and yet that was exactly what his gem made him do. What was he supposed to do now? How will Steven get out of here? Will he manage to convince Pink to let him go? He really wanted a hug, he really wanted his dad’s song, or Connie’s soothing voice, or Garnet to tell him everything will be alright. The empty hole in his heart was deeper than ever. His family was taken away. His gem was taken away and distorted, twisted by the Diamonds.  


Steven cried and cried, and couldn’t stop. Finally, his tears ran dry, but he didn’t feel any better. He was hiccupping and wiping at his puffy eyes. Steven was completely alone.  


Steven didn’t know how long he stayed in that corner, but his body started to ache from being in an uncomfortable position, so he was forced to get up. He washed his face, drank some more and then went back to the pillows in the main room. He really didn’t want to stare at the ceiling again, but at least his body would calm down.  


Steven wanted to sleep, to get away from everything for a few hours, but he was hungry, and miserable, and not sleepy. He wanted to cry more. His eyes felt like they were filled with sand, but he cried anyway. He hit the pillows and shouted, trying to get rid of his pain and anger, but it didn’t help.  


After an indefinite amount of time he managed to fall into an uneasy slumber.  


*  


Steven had weird, almost delirious dreams, he tossed and turned, woke and fell back asleep, but the thing that finally pulled him back to reality was someone’s presence close to him. Someone was hugging him, but it felt… not right somehow, an answer was close, but his thoughts were sluggish and he couldn’t understand. Steven tried to get away, still half-asleep, but the hug only tightened. He opened his eyes, a hand was on his stomach, no, no, don’t take him, please, don’t hurt him—  


“Steven?” he heard a familiar voice call and then he was let go.  


A mess of pink colors became a room. Pink. He remembered. Steven sat up, breathing heavily, and looked at his gem, who was sitting close, too close.  


“I thought you were sleeping,” Pink said. Steven’s heart was beating frantically in his chest. What a nice way to wake up.  


“I was, but you woke me,” Steven said, irritated, then rubbed at his face.  


“I thought humans don’t react to outside stimuli when they sleep,” Pink said, and the confusion in his voice almost made Steven smile. Almost.  


Steven drew his legs to his chest and put his chin on them, curling up again. His eyes and face were swollen from crying, and he was so tired. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Didn’t want to be near Pink. He wanted to go home. He wanted to eat something.  


Pink was sitting and staring at him. His face looked exactly like Steven’s which was creepy. Except for his eyes. Pink wore a calm, almost absent expression, not matching with his intense stare. His whole body was glowing pink softly, Steven didn't get used to that yet. His clothes looked similar to the dress that Steven himself wore back on Homeworld four years ago, but the skirt was longer, the fluttery cloth covering the gem’s knees. On Pink’s stomach his gem glowed bright. _Their_ gem.  


“What do you want from me?” Steven asked after a couple minutes of silence. Instead of answering, Pink summoned something from his gem. A bottle? It looked kind of like a bottle.  


“My Peridots can’t create a substance that would be an equivalent of organic matter that humans… consume. Not yet, in any case,” Pink said. His voice sounded like Steven’s voice, but a bit deeper. And a lot emptier.  


“You mean food?” Steven asked, arching his eyebrow.  


“But they created a mix of all the necessary microelements, proteins, fats and—”  


“Okay, like a protein shake, I get it,” Steven interrupted. Pink frowned, then nodded and gave him the bottle.  


The “shake” tasted awful. Steven swallowed a mouthful, cringed, then drank the thing all at once, to be done with it sooner. Pink watched him, his face wearing a curious expression. His hunger died down, instead Steven felt heavy and slightly nauseous. He already got used to the fact that he had to eat frequently and in a healthy way, if he didn’t want to experience nausea or other problems. When he was a gem, his body didn’t mind any of the food he ate, no matter how gross it was.  


He gave the empty bottle back, and Pink just tossed it aside. Then the gem reached for him, and Steven flinched away. Pink froze. Steven did too.  


“I will not hurt you,” the gem said after a small pause. Steven wasn’t so sure about that. He wasn’t sure about anything that had to do with his gem anymore. Pink was almost a stranger now, and it hurt. The gem didn’t seem to care about what Steven wanted, and that hurt too. Pink just watched him with his creepy stare, and Steven looked back. He had to do something, had to tell him.  


“You just… locked me here and left. You took me away from my family, from the Crystal gems—”  


“Why do you care so much about them?” Pink interrupted. A weird expression appeared on his face for a moment. What kind of question was that even?  


“Because they’re my _family_. I _love_ them. I thought you did too, but—”  


“Love?” Pink asked, looking perplexed. Steven’s mouth opened. Was he _serious_?  


“Yes, I love them. I care about them, I want to protect them. When they tell me what they want, I respect their wishes,” he added. Maybe Pink will get it and let him go?  


The gem frowned and sat in silence for a while, thinking deeply. How could he not know what love was? He had to have felt it when they were a fusion! Right?  


“I… do not love,” the gem said after a while. Steven couldn’t find words to answer, he was just staring, completely at a loss.  


“I want to protect _you_ ,” he said, his gaze turning intense again. “I care about _you_.”  


Steven didn’t know what he could answer to that. He guessed that these were normal feelings of his gem towards him, because they were one being? He was protecting Steven basically all his life. But why didn’t he feel that way towards others?  


“I can protect myself,” Steven answered slowly. Pink looked unimpressed.  


“You’re a _human_.”  


“Yeah, I am,” Steven sighed. He could protect himself just fine when they were fused, but Steven was getting a feeling that the gem wouldn’t react well to the mention of their fusion.  


Pink’s face returned to its stony expression again. Steven wondered what the gem was thinking about. Did he think about what he did to Steven? Didn’t he realize it was wrong? Did he simply not care?  


“And you locked me here,” Steven tried. He figured that he had to choose his words carefully, if he wanted to be listened to. “I’m completely alone. I can’t just… sit in this room forever, there’s nothing to do here! I’ll lose my mind faster than you know it!”  


Pink looked suddenly tense.  


“If you really want me to stay here, then give me _some_ kind of freedom! Let me interact with other gems, let me see Peri—”  


“ _ **Enough!**_ ” Pink shouted suddenly, so loud that Steven’s ears rang. Did the walls tremble, or did he imagine it?  


The pink glow coming from the gem’s body got stronger. He grabbed at Steven’s t-shirt and yanked him closer, looking him straight in the eye. His eyes were shining too. Steven was suddenly very afraid. He tried pulling away, but Pink’s grasp didn’t loosen.  


“You’re special, Steven, but do not forget your place. I’m a _Diamond_ , and _I give orders here_.”  


Steven shut his eyes, turning his head away. Even with the eyes closed, he still saw the burning imprint of the Diamond’s eyes. He was let go and immediately crawled backwards, keeping his eyes down. Tears gathered in his eyes. Steven didn’t stop them. He really was a prisoner here. What he wanted meant nothing to his gem.  


He was crying for some time, then made himself stop. It didn’t help him feel better, so what was the point? He sat on the pillows without moving, curled up, gripping his legs with his hands. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to think. He wanted to be left alone.  


“I’ll give you an opportunity to see other gems from time to time. You will be able to move around the Palace. I’ll assign Jaspers,” Pink said after a while. It was what Steven wanted, but he didn’t feel satisfied. The only feeling inside him was emptiness. He didn’t want to look at the gem, so he kept staring at the nearest pillow. There was still a faint ringing sound in his ears.  


Some more time had passed. Steven caught a sign of movement out of the corner of his eye and tried to move back. He was so disappointed. So upset. Pink hands settled on his arms, and he flinched.  


“Steven.”  


The grip on his arms tightened. Steven looked up. Pink’s eyes and his form stopped glowing unbearably. He didn’t look as terrifying now.  


“I’m not…” the gem started and then fell silent. It seemed like he struggled with trying to find words. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I didn’t want to shout at you. I didn’t want to scare you.”  


But you did, Steven thought and turned his eyes away. Gloved fingertips gently touched his cheek.  


“I didn’t want to make you cry.”  


Steven looked at him again, uneasy. The expression on Pink’s face was unexpectedly soft.  


“You are wonderful, Steven,” Pink said and then tackled him with a hug. Steven grunted, landing on his back, the gem was _heavy_. What was he even doing? First he shouted, now he was all… cuddly. His gem was so weird. Steven thought he would feel uneasy again, but the embrace brought a sense of calm and peace. Steven hesitated, then hugged the gem back.  


They were still two parts of a whole, even with four years of separation. He could help Pink. He had to try, at the very least. Steven had a lot of time now, he might as well sort it out with himself.


	12. Lost memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will only be this chapter in the update, not two like I usually do, but it’s an important one so I wanted to divide it from the rest.  
> Also things between Pink and Steven will pick up the pace in the upcoming chapters!

Pink couldn’t stop worrying. Even though there was nothing to worry about. Pink did everything correctly, he was sure of it. Pink assigned two Jaspers to accompany Steven (he wanted to assign three, but Steven said that he will be in the Palace and “who’s going to attack me here”, and he was right). Pink forbade them from going to the areas that seemed even slightly dangerous or crowded (Steven looked disappointed). He ordered to clear the areas where Steven was planning to… stroll around, and that wasn’t easy to do with so many gems working in the Palace. Pink was proud of himself. He provided both Jaspers with “protein shakes” (Steven looked disgusted, but it will have to do for now, until Peridots come up with something better). He gave Jaspers the order to contact him immediately should anything go wrong.  


Now Pink was sitting in his chamber, trying to deal with some documentation or other (he was so distracted he couldn’t even tell what he was dealing with). But he couldn’t calm the anxiety thrumming uneasily inside. His gem vibrated weakly, and Pink held his hand over it. He was _okay_.  


He couldn’t stop thinking about Steven. From the moment he laid eyes on him it seemed like Steven was the only one who really mattered. That was, quite frankly, terrifying. But it was true. Pink experienced genuine emotions. Steven’s presence, even the thought of him led to Pink experiencing several emotions at once. It was mystifying, but Pink was starting to get used to them. And he definitely didn’t like to worry.  


It’s not like Pink hadn’t experienced emotions before, but with Steven everything felt more bright, intense. Real. He could feel different _shades_ of emotions now, singing deep in his gem. Some emotions were brand new, like joy and contentment. Pink knew those emotions existed, but he never really experienced them to such an extent. These were the emotions he preferred.  


Pink wanted to hold Steven close, to let no one else near him, to _own_ him. But as emotional as he was now, Pink understood that this will not lead to anything good. He knew if he gave in to the desire to claim Steven like that, then he would break him. Smother him. Pink remembered how frightened the human seemed after Pink’s outburst. He _really_ didn’t like that.  


Steven needed some kind of purpose, and he needed freedom. He was just like any gem in this regard. And soon he would get tired of roaming the Palace or talking to other gems. Steven wanted to _leave_. Pink will not let him. But then, sooner or later, he will break Steven. Pink felt his gem get uncomfortably cold with the thought. He didn’t know what to do. Sooner or later, he had to let go. 

Pink was a Diamond and he did what he wanted, that was true, but he saw broken gems, and it was always the same story. Nothing was wrong with their gems, but their eyes were hollow. They were broken in another way. Their spirit was destroyed. He didn’t want that to happen to Steven. Steven glowed with emotions, with passion, he was strong-willed and _alive_. Pink wouldn’t dare to destroy this life. But letting Steven go meant living in the empty loneliness he was subjected to thorough his entire existence. He didn’t want that. How could he let go the only creature in the Universe that made him smile? He _couldn’t_ let Steven go. He _had to_ let Steven go. He didn’t know what to do.  


Pink closed the document. He will think about all of this later. He didn’t have to make the decision right now. He projected onto the screen the Agate’s reports. She sent him so many inquiries, some of which he had no clue how to answer. Does Steven need his own panel? Does he need an imitation of “day and night cycle” (then there was an explanation for what “day” and “night” mean)? What about “clothes” (there was an explanation for them as well)? Every query from Agate meant a headache and an indefinite amount of time that he spent, trying to sort out yet another one of the human things. All Pink wanted were favorable conditions for Steven, that was it! He didn’t need to get involved every step of the way.  


One time when he was exasperated again, he asked Pearl why Agate kept checking in with him so often. Pearl said in her ever calm voice that the gems of their positions certainly had never performed a job of such importance and urgency. And they wanted to do everything perfect to please their Diamond. And that… made sense, of course. So Pink was once again forced to deal with weird contraptions or models of panels he knew nothing about.  


There was nothing new in the reports he opened, and Pink relaxed. There wasn’t much progress on this “food” substance. It seemed to be a complicated matter. He closed the reports and spent some time just looking at the panel. In the corner Blue’s messages glowed, sent at different times, all left unanswered.  


“Pink, we need to talk.”  


“Pink, it’s important.”  


“Whenever you are ready, we’ll be waiting.”  


What could they tell him? That they were constantly lying to his face? That they were intentionally keeping someone as important as Steven away from Pink? That they didn’t care about Pink one bit, just like White didn’t? It hurt to think about it.  


But they _knew_ Steven. Maybe they had an advice for Pink on how to keep Steven to himself without breaking him? He didn’t give himself time to change his mind and sent a short, “When?”  


An answering messaged buzzed immediately, “In half a cycle. Yellow’s chamber.”  


He cringed and typed, “Accepted.”  


In the end, he let Pearl deal with the document he had been trying to work on.  


*  


Exactly half a cycle later Pink stood in front of Yellow Diamond’s chamber. Yellow’s and Blue’s Pearls were standing outside. The Diamonds also planned to have a serious talk, good. He left his Pearl there too and entered the chamber.  


“Pink!” Blue exclaimed immediately. She was standing near the chair where Yellow was sitting. She looked worried and there were deep bags under her eyes like she had been crying. Pink told himself he didn’t care. _They_ hurt him, not the other way around.  


“Are you alright?” Blue asked, and he nodded.  


“We’ve been hearing rumors,” Yellow said and crossed her arms. Blue sent her a displeased look and then turned to Pink again. She looked unsure.  


“Steven,” Blue said, whispered almost. Her eyes filled with hope. Pink tried very hard to keep his face neutral. “Is Steven actually here?”  


Pink nodded, not knowing what to say. Everything was sparkling yellow, his head hurt and his gem was vibrating uncomfortably. Pink wanted to leave, but he clenched his fists and stayed put. He had questions.  


“Did you take him from Earth?” Yellow asked. Her gaze was appraising. Pink narrowed his eyes.  


“Yes. I made White allow me to take him. Right now Steven lives in my chamber.”  


“Oh, but what about food?” Blue asked. She knew about people, then. More importantly, she knew about Steven. She probably knew more than Pink did. He felt irritation rise and tried to keep his calm.  


“I have Peridot from Earth in my service. She has extensive knowledge of the matter.”  


“And you didn’t fuse?” Yellow asked, looking attentive. Pink shook his head. Why would she even ask such a thing? He got tired of answering their questions, it was not why he came to them.  


“You knew about this. You knew about Steven, all this time _you knew._ And you didn’t tell me, I found out about him _by accident!_ ” he hissed, feeling the control slipping away. He was almost shaking with anger.  


“White thought it would be best if you didn’t know,” Yellow said, unaffected by his display of emotions.  


“We really wanted to help you!” Blue said, her lips trembling, her hands clasped tightly. She looked ready to cry. Pink didn’t buy it.  


“If you wanted to help me, you would have _told me about it_.”  


“We kept it from you not because we wanted to. We were under White’s direct orders.” Yellow’s voice was calm, but her hand was clenched into a fist. “Why do you think you don’t remember anything?”  


Realization hit him like an energy blast, unwanted and sharp. His memories. He didn’t have them, he knew that, but Pink never thought into it. It felt like he couldn’t, like his mind was slipping away every time he tried to ask himself the questions he didn’t have answers for. Was it White? Did White do this to him? Was this why his thoughts seemed so muddled at times? Why sometimes Pink forgot the simplest things? Why it seemed hard to keep track of certain kinds of thoughts?  


It seemed obvious now. Why didn’t he figure it out sooner?  


“Pink,” Blue said in a soft voice, but Pink wasn’t listening.  


White couldn’t change the core of his being, even she couldn’t do that, but _memories_ , that she had the ability to take. And memories are an integral part of one’s being. A part of Pink was ripped away, and he didn’t even realize it. _Yellow_ pointed it out to him.  


“Why was I in a fusion with him?” Pink muttered, trying to make sense of it. Why _Steven?_ Why a _human?_ The headache was back, his head felt like it was about to be split open. He didn’t know. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t have the memories.  


“Pink!”  


He lifted his eyes to meet Yellow’s gaze.  


“White has no power over organic creatures.”  


She was trying to tell him something. Yellow never spoke in riddles, so it seemed like White’s orders were still in place. Pink tried to concentrate.  


If Steven’s mind wasn’t changed, then he still had their shared memories from when they were a fusion. Steven had the answers. Pink looked at Yellow again and nodded. The look on her face softened.  


“Maybe…” Blue started and then continued after a small pause, “Maybe you can bring Steven for a meeting with us?”  


Pink frowned. He didn’t like that idea. But maybe it could help.  


“Give me some time to think,” he answered, then turned around and headed for the door. As difficult as this conversation was, another one awaited him. But he had to find Steven first.  


*  


Pink dragged Steven back to the chamber right in the middle of his walk around the Palace. Steven wasn’t happy about that. He grumbled a little and then started talking excitedly about the holographic hall where he saw realistic projections of the nearest galaxies and colonies. Then he told Pink about the view from the lookout tower. Pink didn’t quite get why he was awed by it; the tower was built to overview the city after all. What Pink understood clearly was that Steven’s voice and the change of expressions on his face were calming. As wound up as he was after the meeting with Yellow and Blue, Pink found that by the time they were back in the chamber he had completely relaxed, lulled by Steven’s chatter. That was good, the conversation they were about to have was anything but easy.  


Before Pink could say a word, Steven disappeared for a while in the small room that was built to accommodate his human needs. Pink decided to check what exactly was in the room later. After some time, Steven joined him on the pillows. He didn’t tell any more stories. Instead, he looked tense, as if waiting for Pink to make another scene. Pink felt guilt gnawing at him. What could he say? Where to begin?  


“I’m…” he began and then trailed off. He lowered his gaze to one of the pillows, hunched his shoulders defensively. He didn’t want to share his lack of knowledge. Pink wasn’t eager to admit his weakness in front of Steven. But Steven wasn’t cruel, was he? That was one of the things Pink learnt about him. He wouldn’t be cruel to Pink if Pink shared this with him, right? And he needed answers. He _really_ needed some answers.  


His unseeing gaze settled on Steven’s knees. The human moved closer to him. Then Steven took his hand and gently squeezed. Pink made himself look up. He didn’t expect Steven’s gaze to be so soft. Pink felt the sudden urge to cry, and it terrified him. He wouldn’t cry in front of Steven. His gem felt uncomfortable, like it didn’t sit quite right inside him. Pink looked down again.  


“I don’t remember anything,” he said, not giving himself time to back out of this. Steven didn’t laugh at him or scold him so Pink rushed to continue, “I don’t remember anything from the time when we were fused. I didn’t even remember _you_ because my memories were…” he paused, but he had to say it, just say it, _say it!_ “White removed them,” Pink admitted. Instantly he felt the tension and anxiety gripping his being settle.  


He admitted White’s interference. It hurt. But it was necessary.  


“Oh, Pink,” Steven sighed and hugged him. Pink realized that his own form was trembling slightly. He leaned into Steven’s touch like it was the last drop of light. They sat like this for a while, until the trembling ceased. Then Steven broke the embrace and looked him straight in the eye.  


“Do you want me to tell you your story? Our story?”  


Pink nodded, and Steven began his tale ( _their_ tale). At first he talked about familiar things. About Pink Diamond being a part of the Great Diamond Authority. About him getting his first colony, Earth. Then the tale took a strange turn. Steven told him about life that he found on Earth. About him wanting to protect it. About the desire to change the way things were run on Homeworld. How he shapeshifted and lead the rebellion. The more he talked, the more astonished Pink became. _He_ did this? He thought life on Earth was _beautiful?_ He led the rebellion _**against other Diamonds**_ to protect it? It sounded impossible. Absurd. It was like the tale wasn’t about him at all. And soon it turned out that it wasn’t.  


Steven told him about Pink Diamond’s life on Earth. He told him about a particular human, Greg (organics had peculiar names) and about Pink Diamond – no, _Rose_ – being in love with him. Steven told him what a “family” was, and a “mother”, and how he himself, Steven, came to be. It was him and Pink Diamond’s gem, fused together. The real Pink Diamond was long gone.  


Pink sat really still, listening to this part of the tale. Steven had to take a quick break to have some water, and Pink had a chance to think. But the tale didn’t make any sense. He was… what was Pink himself supposed to be? _**Who**_ was he? He wasn’t Rose. He wasn’t Steven. He was getting a feeling that he _was_ a part of Steven before they unfused. Why did they do that?  


Steven came back and continued with the story. Now he told him about his life with “dad” (who was also Greg. Pink didn’t get why he had two names) and the Crystal Gems. How he went on missions and got himself into every dangerous situation imaginable (Pink squeezed his hand every time Steven mentioned another life threatening adventure), how he dealt with other’s problems. Steven was so kind, and caring, and _loving_. Pink finally understood what this word meant. He liked it. He wished Gem glyph had a word for “love”.  


Steven could heal others, that was another surprise. Pink was sure his (their?) power was destructive, but Steven baffled him again. All Pink ever did with his power was destroying. Hurting. But maybe… maybe he possessed that same healing ability that they had as a fusion?  


Still, no part of Steven’s story rang familiar to him. Pink knew his memories couldn’t be recollected after White’s interference. They were lost to him now, obliterated in a flash of light, all-encompassing and destructive. Pink could do nothing but listen to Steven’s story and realize how much he didn’t remember, how much he lost. White _still_ saw him as Rose, Steven’s “mother”, Pink realized. But he wasn’t her. He was a Diamond, that he knew. He was... reduced to almost nothing and built again by Homeworld and White. But that wasn’t all he was. White wanted to shape him to be the old Diamond. But he could shape himself. He _wanted_ to be someone new. He wanted to be the new Pink Diamond. He wanted to be _himself_.  


Pink was a part of Steven initially. He would have probably stayed a part of Steven if they had fused together after their separation. But they didn’t. White took Steven from him. Hearing about White _**removing**_ him from Steven’s body was horrible. Steven gripped Pink’s hand hard and his face was scared, and lost, and _hurt_. White hurt him. The rage was hot, and every facet of his gem burned with it. Pink wanted to _**destroy**_ her. She dared to hurt Steven. She removed Pink’s memories about Steven like it was nothing. She left both of them with _**nothing**_.  


“Pink?” he heard and looked at Steven’s pale, worried face.  


“ _ **She hurt you,**_ ” Pink said venomously, and Steven cringed in pain, covering his ears. Pink’s rage died down immediately, turning to worry. He hurt Steven again. Was he no better than White? He didn’t mean to hurt him. Could he make it better somehow? Could he try and use his healing power? There was a chance it could work.  


“Steven?” Pink said, and Steven exhaled, letting his hands fall.  


“You should stop doing that, I’m a human, you know,” he smiled weakly and then winced. “I mean, I didn’t mean to, uh, order you or… anything.”  


Now he looked scared. Pink didn’t want him to be scared, he wanted to help. He grabbed Steven’s arms and brought his face closer to Steven’s own. Steven shut his eyes and shrank in on himself. Pink touched his lips lightly to his cheek. He really hoped this would work. The sensation sent tingling pleasure through his form. He wanted to do it again, but Steven opened his eyes, looking bewildered. Their faces were still close, and Pink could see the pink light from his form being reflected in Steven’s dark eyes. He saw the countless thin threads making up his iris being lit up. It was beautiful.  


“What… was that?” Steven asked in a small voice and then tried to pull back. Pink let go.  


“I thought that my… our ability to heal was still present.”  


“Oh. That, uh, didn’t work, sorry.”  


Pink frowned, disappointed.  


“But in my case it was saliva, so I’m not really surprised,” he laughed, clearly uncomfortable.  


Saliva. He forgot about that. Gems had the ability to produce different liquids in their forms as they saw fit. Pink never thought about synthesizing saliva, obviously. The process was familiar, in any case, and that was what mattered.  


“Pink? Are you okay?”  


“I’m trying to synthesize saliva.”  


Silence. Then, “ _What?_ ”  


Pink didn’t grant that with an answer. He thought he did the trick. The sensation of his mouth being… wet was weird to say the least. Pink looked at Steven. Steven looked back, nervous. Then Pink licked his lips, brought his face close again and kissed him. This time Steven’s face relaxed and he hummed softly. His skin turned a nice color, the bags under his eyes disappeared.  


“It worked,” he sighed, content. “Thank you.”  


Pink smiled, his gem feeling warm. It seemed like saliva was here to stay.  


*  


Steven fell asleep, relaxed from healing. Pink continued working for a while, sitting close beside the human. At some point he remembered about Pearl, whom he forgot to fetch from Yellow’s quarters. Oh well, he will do it later then.  


Pink decided that he would take Steven to see Yellow and Blue. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted to achieve with that, but judging by Steven’s tale, he changed them somehow. He changed their minds. It was unfathomable, that a _human_ could change _Diamonds_. But, Pink thought, looking at Steven’s relaxed face as he slept, Steven wasn’t just a human. Yes, they were a fusion before, but that wasn’t it. Steven himself was someone… incredible. The more time Pink spent with him, the stronger was the desire to always be at his side. To never let go. And that was dangerous too. Pink had no idea how to change it. He wasn’t sure he wanted to change it.  


The only thing he felt a clear desire to do was talk to White. To explain how she hurt them both, to rage and make her feel guilty, to make her understand. But if Steven couldn’t change her mind, then Pink didn’t stand a chance. It was futile to try and talk to her.  


Still, Pink felt the desire to… act. It was a strange, new sensation. Usually when Pink was working or dealing with his responsibilities it didn’t connect with a desire to act. It was just a routine. Now, though. Something changed now. He realized something important. What White did to them was _wrong_. But the Diamonds couldn’t be wrong, especially White Diamond. Could they? Could it happen that _White_ made a _mistake?_ _**It meant that White could be wrong.**_  


That thought opened something inside him, released other thoughts that never occurred to Pink before. Could it be that the course that White set for all the gems to follow was wrong too? Could it be that expansion of their Empire through destroying other worlds was wrong? Pink never used the word “destroying” before. Gems were always “optimizing” or “colonizing”. Steven said they were “destroying life on other worlds”. Was he… right? They sucked all life out of them, uncaring of other habitants that happened to be in the way. For what? For making more gems, of course. But _why_ did they make more gems? What purpose did it serve? To make the Empire glorious, White would no doubt say. Pink wasn’t so sure anymore. Pink knew the destruction that followed after he used his powers. There was _nothing_ glorious about it. So why would destroying other worlds be glorious? No one asked these questions, because all the gems trusted their Diamonds with knowing what to do. And the Diamonds ultimately trusted White because she was perfect. But she _wasn’t_. Had they all been mistaken _all this time?_  


Once he reached that thought, Pink stopped. He was suddenly very afraid. His gem vibrated inside, feeling heavier than before. Evolution. Expansion. Growth. That was something he believed in thorough his entire existence. To think that their society was built on a _**lie**_ … That was too much.  


Pink shook his head. Then he looked at Steven. Steven sounded so sure. He wanted to help the corrupted gems on Earth, he wanted to change White’s mind. Steven knew what he believed in, he knew what was right. But _how_ did he know that? Pink didn’t understand. He could barely understand his own thoughts. Maybe Steven could explain. Yes, Steven was here, not ripped away and taken to another galaxy. Now Pink just had to find a way to make him stay.


	13. Pink’s idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was done with some chapters earlier than I thought, so I’m posting a little earlier than planned:3  
> Also, we’re getting to the smut, guys! The rating in Explicit, which means everything is graphic. If you’re not comfortable with that, here is your warning, I don’t want to make anyone upset with my content. See chapter 14 for specific warnings.  
> One thing I should mention about this chapter: Pink has an inner monologue about genitals and sex in his weird gem way.

Steven woke up after one cycle. He drank the shake, went to the “bathroom”, as he called the small room, and then Pink asked him about Blue and Yellow.  


“Yeah, sure, I’d like to visit them,” Steven smiled.  


He sent a request to Blue and got an answer almost immediately. Blue was inviting them to her chamber. Yellow would be present too. Pink knew that he had to brace himself for yet another visit. He frowned. Pink didn’t want to take Steven to them, which didn’t make sense. Yellow and Blue could be useful to them. But the possessiveness didn’t want to go away. All these feelings were getting ridiculous.  


“Is something wrong?” Steven asked, and Pink shook his head. What could he say? Steven, I don’t ever want to let you go? Steven, can I lock you in this room to get rid of the constant worry you give me? Steven wouldn’t be thrilled about being denied his freedom even more.  


They went out of the chamber and headed for Blue’s quarters.  


Pink tried to imagine what kind of questions they would ask, tried to come up with answers and keep a calm expression on his face. It was _hard_. Already he felt anxious and irritated. Steven stayed quiet, but he sent Pink occasional worried glances from time to time. Pink couldn’t even protect him, and that was what he wanted most of all. Instead, he kept losing his temper and hurting Steven. It was awful, but Pink didn’t know how to make it better. Yellow could control her emotions. Blue did so with much less success, but she didn’t hurt anyone with her powers. Pink was the only one that was broken.  


If only Pink could show Steven how much he wanted to stay with him, how much he wanted to protect him, how much he… loved him? Did all of his feelings fit the description of loving someone? Pink wasn’t sure. He felt so many things when it came to Steven, it seemed like emotions rose and fell, came and changed suddenly, and it was confusing. If only there was a way for him to express them. Then maybe Steven wouldn’t want to leave? Maybe he would see how much Pink wanted to be close to him, and he would allow it? Steven loved his family, loved the Crystal gems, even though they weren’t organic creatures. Could Steven… love Pink? Maybe this could work. Maybe Pink could fix all the mistakes he had made when it came to Steven. These were hopeful thoughts. Pink felt _hopeful_ , for the first time since he took Steven from his home. It was a nice feeling. He could show Steven his love, and then—  


“Pink?”  


Pink came back to reality and met Steven’s gaze. They were standing right outside Blue’s chamber. He had no idea how long they had been standing there. Pink frowned, embarrassed, and opened the door. He really should fetch his Pearl soon.  


Pink never felt comfortable in this chamber with dark blue walls. They always seemed to press on him somehow. A familiar scraping kind of feeling came to his gem. It was very unpleasant. The door closed behind them and they heard a cheerful call, “Pink! Steven!”  


Pink put on a calm expression and nodded to Blue and Yellow. Blue came closer and then lowered herself to their level, much to Pink’s shock.  


“Hey, Blue! Hey, Yellow!” Steven waved. Yellow continued to stand near the wall with her hands crossed, while Blue smiled. Blue never lowered herself to the ground for Pink. Never. Sometimes she would extend her hands, like she wanted to pick him up, but always stopped the movement halfway. Blue _never_ looked at him with such unbridled joy on her face.  


Steven and Blue were talking about something, but Pink couldn’t concentrate. He looked from Steven to Blue in astonishment. Their talk seemed more genuine and personal than anything Pink had ever had with her. It seemed as if _Steven_ was closer to Blue than Pink himself. Pink felt a weird mix of sadness, hurt and resentment. He imagined stepping on those feelings, pushing them deeper inside, he didn’t want to feel like this—  


“Pink! Did you try dancing already?” Blue said, and Pink winced. Her face was unusually close, and he didn’t have to crane his neck to look at her.  


“Dancing?” Pink echoed.  


“It helps with fusion,” Blue explained, like he was supposed to get it somehow. Then she looked at him, expectant. Fusing? What was she talking about? Did she want him to _fuse with Steven?_  


A strange thought came to him then. It seemed like Blue was waiting for Steven all this time, like she knew Steven, and Pink wasn’t his own gem to her, but _a part of Steven_. And their fusion was what she considered to be Pink Diamond. He had no idea if it was true or not, but the thought was jarring. Pink continued to stare at her, not having the words to speak.  


“We haven’t tried yet,” Steven answered instead.  


Pink felt an overwhelming urge to leave. It didn’t matter where, it didn’t matter that Steven would be left alone, he’d send Jasper to get him later, he just needed to _leave_. Or he will start screaming and hurt Steven again, or, even more horrifying, he could start _crying_. He turned abruptly.  


“Pink? Where are you going?” Steven asked. He sounded worried and upset.  


“I need to work. I’ll send for you when you’re done here.”  


Pink went out of the chamber. No one stopped him. All his tension seemed to concentrate in his gem, it felt constricting and too large at the same time. Pink walked to his quarters as calmly as he could. Reaching the resting room, he put up a “do not disturb” sign and walked in. Then he started to punch the nearest wall methodically. He hit again and again, allowing his face to turn into a snarl, until it felt like the whole room was about to collapse. Then he stopped. He was feeling a little better now.  


Pink turned and headed for the nearest pile of pillows. Settling down, he did some work, but his mind was far away. He checked Agate’s reports. She was suggesting for Pink to check in with the Human Zoo, still floating somewhere in space. Pink had completely forgotten about it. It was a good idea. They should have some kind of “food” for the humans there.  


Then his thoughts went to Steven again and to the idea of expressing his feelings. Pink didn’t know how to do that, but there were humans in the Zoo, right? And they had the concept of love, they had ways of expressing it without a doubt. How exactly did they do that? He could ask for a report. It could help him get closer to Steven, and that was everything Pink wanted.  


*  


The reports came fairly quickly. It seemed like the gems in the Zoo knew what they were doing. He sent the food report to Agate and opened the files named “Expression of feelings (including “love”) by organic creatures (humans) of the Zoo”. He looked through the first text quickly. Apparently, the humans in the Zoo had a specific ritual to express their love towards each other. There was a recording of said ritual. Pink opened it.  


There were two humans in the picture. They were without any clothes. Pink frowned. Humans looked bizarre like this. The strangest thing was not seeing any gems on their bodies. The color of their skin was unusual too. Pink looked closer. These two were laying down in some kind of room, and they were very close. They were… touching their lips together. Pink did something similar with Steven not that long ago. It meant that the humans were kissing. They made sounds that were supposed to… express love, he guessed?  


Then something incomprehensible started happening. Pink tried to make sense of it in vain. The humans continued to make melodious noises, and their faces showed pleasure. They enjoyed it, that Pink understood well. They were showing their love to one another and it was pleasurable.  


There was another document, explaining in details what was happening on the screen. Now Pink could get down to the bottom of it, finally. Pink learnt a lot from the document. He learnt that the humans on the video were having “sex”, that humans have “genitals” connected to their “biological sex”, and that these “genitals” may vary. That “stimulation of the genitals” is pleasurable and that it can be performed in different ways. There was also a thing called “an orgasm”. Humans expressed their love through sex. By having sex, they also procreated. It was all very new and strange, but fascinating at the same time.  


Pink read the text several times, trying to connect all the dots. Steven was… “male”? The lack of visible mammary glands pointed to that. It meant that he had the male option for genitals, a “penis”. It also meant that Pink was supposed to shapeshift a… “vagina”? Pink looked at its’ structure on the picture. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was possible.  


He played the recording several times, looking for details that he might have missed. Does he need to follow every step? Judging by the explanation in the document, there could be variations for the activity. Pink could learn everything he needed to know from the document and the recording. Pink was hopeful again. Soon he will be able to show Steven how he feels about him.


	14. What are you doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: non-consensual kissing, non-consensual touching that turns to dubious consent. Like everything that happens in this chapter is dubious consent.

Steven was pulled from another dream by a weird feeling. Connie was kissing him? His thoughts flowed slow and relaxed. That was weird, she never kissed him while he was sleeping. He felt safe and warm. Still half asleep, Steven tried to say something and felt her tongue slip inside his mouth. He groaned, it felt nice, but Steven had to wake up first, she was heavy, and he needed to tell her—  


Steven opened his eyes, and all the sleepy thoughts disappeared. He was met with a pair of pink eyes with diamond shaped pupils, now blown large. _Pink_ was the one kissing him. It must be another weird dream. He tried to move, and Pink pressed him into the pillows, squeezing his cock – no, no no _**no**_ , he had to wake up _right now_.  


Pink moved his hand, and Steven moaned into the kiss. It couldn’t be a dream. It felt _very_ real. But it **couldn’t** be real. Pink couldn’t kiss him like that, he couldn’t touch him like that. Gems knew nothing about this sort of thing! He tried to concentrate, even though his body was still heavy and relaxed. His head was filled with a weird sense of contentment. Pink was very warm and strong. Steven didn’t understand anything. Pink tried to get his hand in Steven’s pants, and Steven put his hands on the gem’s shoulders, trying to push him off. He only succeeded in pressing his body closer to Pink’s. Pink touched him with his very warm hand, and Steven turned his head away, finally breaking the kiss.  


“Hands off!” Steven squeaked, saying the first thing that came to his mind. The hand retreated, but Pink continued to press unbearably close (it felt _amazing_ ), he started kissing Steven’s neck, and—  


“What the hell are you doing?!”  


Steven tried to move away again, and Pink moved his hips, pressing them flush to Steven’s cock and _what was going on?!_  


“You are… What…” Steven couldn’t find the words, his thoughts were scattered, and why did it feel so _good?_ It had to be some sort of fever dream, or a hallucination. Steven lost his mind from being locked up here. Pink wouldn’t do such a thing. Not Pink, his _gem_. At that moment Pink made a quiet, deep sound that sounded a lot like… a moan? And Steven was faced with the impossible reality of the situation.  


“What the hell are you doing? Stop!” Steven shrieked. He didn’t think it would work, but the gem drew back. Then looked at him with a weird mix of emotions. His pupils were still huge.  


“You… don’t like that?” Pink asked quietly. _What?!_  


“No,” he managed to say, stunned. Pink looked disappointed. Did he think Steven would _like_ that? It did feel nice, but that wasn’t the point.  


Then, finally, the gem drew back. Steven exhaled, trying to get his thoughts in some kind of order. Pink moved lower, sitting on Steven’s knees now, and Steven sat up. But instead of getting off of him completely, Pink rested his hands on Steven’s hips and bent to kiss his bare stomach. Steven put his hands on the gem’s shoulders and said firmly, “Pink, I told you to st—”  


At that moment Pink grabbed at his jeans and underwear, pulling them down, and kissed the head of his cock. Steven lost the end of his sentence. Pink eyes stared right at him. Why was he still hard? Why did it feel so good?  


“Pink,” Steven said, voice wavering. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to say. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. Pink left another soft kiss, and Steven froze, one thought in his mind. _Again_. Pink pulled his jeans down even more and licked along the length of his cock with his mouth. Steven let out a whine. He couldn’t stop himself. Pink stared, like it was the most fascinating thing he ever heard.  


“Pink, don’t…” Steven said, and Pink narrowed his eyes. And then he took Steven’s cock in his mouth. Steven moaned. It felt overwhelming, it felt like _**everything**_. Pink being close, touching him like this, it shouldn’t have felt so damn incredible, but it _did_. Pink started to move his head up and down, and Steven let out a string of broken moans. Pink was sucking him off. Steven was _letting him_. He was so turned on. It felt so good. Steven gripped Pink’s hair, which was unexpectedly soft, and pushed his head down more, he wanted him to take it deeper. He felt Pink trying to relax his throat to let him in, and that sent a sudden spike of pleasure up Steven’s spine. It felt so nice, and Pink’s mouth was soft and pliant and wet, and he was going faster, yes, just like that… Steven felt himself drawing closer, closer, he was so close… He moaned again and came, the pleasure wiped out his thoughts, his body tensed and then relaxed slowly. He felt Pink trying to swallow his come.  


For a short while Steven was lost to the reality around him, fully giving in to the sensations. Then he felt Pink draw back, and everything came rushing back. Steven opened his eyes. His gem was sitting beside him, wiping at the corner of his mouth. He looked pleased. He even smiled.  


“Did you like that?” he asked, sounding… proud? Steven felt his face heat up as he quickly pulled his jeans back up.  


“Why did you… do that?”  


Steven couldn’t find any other words. He could scarcely believe what had just happened. Pink frowned, looking perplexed.  


“Because you liked it? Because I wanted to show… love?”  


It sounded more like a question. What? Love? What was he talking about? Steven felt the urge to cry. Or break something. Steven _told him_ to stop, didn’t he? He _should have_ stopped, what does it matter if Steven felt good or not? It didn’t matter, right?  


“Did I do something wrong?” Pink asked with a touch of uncertainty.  


Steven clenched his fists. He didn’t understand anything. He was so angry. He was so confused (and scared).  


“Do you even know what consent is?!” Steven shouted. “Of course not, you just keep taking, and _taking_ , and you don’t think about others, you’re just, just…”  


He stopped, trying to breathe. Why did Pink do it? Why didn’t he stop? Why didn’t Steven stop him? Did that mean that he _wanted_ his own gem to suck him off? Was Steven that fucked up?!  


Pink was staring at him as if Steven just hit him.  


“I’ll… go now,” he said quietly, looking hurt. He had _no right_ to look hurt after what he just did.  


“Don’t you dare leave now!” Steven cried out, and the gem froze. “Why did you **do** that?”  


“I already told you—”  


“Love?!” Steven clenched his fists, and Pink took a step back. He just gave Steven a blowjob without his permission, and _that wasn’t okay!_  


“Do you even understand what love is? Because I don’t think you do,” he continued, almost choking on the words. Steven was ready for Pink to shout at him, to get angry again. Anything was better than the open, vulnerable look that he was getting now.  


Instead, Pink started crying. Steven blinked. He had no idea his gem could cry. Pinkish tears gathered and fell down his cheeks, glistening in the glow of his body. Pink wiped them off, but they kept coming. He looked at Steven. Steven looked back, completely at a loss. Then the gem sat down and curled into a ball. His body was shaking. He kept crying silently. His face was scrunched up and he looked miserable.  


“I just wanted you to stay,” Pink said, and it broke Steven’s heart to see him like this. Whatever Pink did, he was hurting now, and Steven… Steven wanted to help him. Even if he himself was hurting too.  


Steven sighed, made his way to Pink and, after a moment’s hesitation, hugged him carefully. Pink was tense in his arms, but he hugged back, pressing his face into Steven’s neck. Steven remembered how his lips felt when he kissed the sensitive skin there, and he banished that thought immediately.  


“It’s going to be okay,” Steven said. His voice sounded steady enough.  


“Something is wrong with me,” Pink whispered so quietly that Steven barely heard.  


“What do you mean?” Steven asked. He hesitated, then put his hand in pink hair, trying to pet it in a calming matter. He didn’t think about gripping it and pushing Pink’s face down on his cock. He did _not_.  


“I cannot do what I was made to do,” Pink answered, his body shuddering. His grip on Steven became almost painfully tight. “I have to be a Diamond, but my emotions are out of control. I have to set an example, and I can’t. I want to protect you, but I fail. I doubt _everything_ , even _White_. You don’t want my love. What is wrong with me, Steven?”  


Steven never thought his gem had doubts about anything. Steven never knew what he was thinking really, and Pink’s face was an emotionless mask most of the time. But his gem _wasn’t_ emotionless. And right now he needed help.  


“Why did you think that… doing what you did showed love?” Steven asked, even though talking about what happened was the last thing he wanted to do.  


“I sent a request to the Human Zoo,” Pink answered immediately. “I learned about sex, and genitals, and—”  


“Okay, okay, I get it,” Steven interrupted, his face feeling warm again. It was hard to wrap his mind around it. That Pink wanted to express love in this way. Didn’t he himself say that he “doesn’t love”?  


There were a lot of questions in Steven’s head, but first he had to explain why giving him a blowjob wasn’t the best way of showing love. He had to explain what sex meant to an alien and how it was different from love. Great.  


“Listen, uh, sex could… God, how do I explain this? You _can_ express love with sex, and you can do it just for, uh, pleasure, but the most important thing is consent. You didn’t ask for my consent, and that’s why I’m angry.”  


“So you don’t want me to show my love to you,” Pink said, and he sounded so hurt and disappointed that Steven immediately reassured him, “Of course I do! You’re my gem!”  


“You didn’t like it then,” Pink said, sounding miserable now. Steven didn’t want to think about _that_. He didn’t explain it well, did he? He sighed.  


“No, that’s not what I’m talking about. You don’t have to have sex to express love. There are tons of ways to show that you love somebody. You can take care of them, or trust them, or hug, or simply tell them about it!”  


He pulled back, looking into his gem’s eyes. The tears still ran lazily down his cheeks. Steven tried to smile at him, but his mind kept turning to the thought that some minutes ago he came in Pink’s mouth. God, Steven really didn’t want to think about that, so he said, “I know both of us have changed during our time apart. But you’re still my gem, and I still love you.”  


“You love me?” Pink sounded incredulous. Steven thought that maybe both of them weren’t expressing their feelings clearly. But it was hard for Steven when Pink looked so… indifferent. It was much easier to talk now, even though it meant that Pink was hurting and crying. At least he didn’t sit and stare at Steven with an empty face. Yeah, he decided to suck him off instead.  


Steven really needed to stop thinking about that. He blinked, realizing Pink was still waiting for an answer.  


“Of course I do,” he said. Pink stopped crying and smiled instead. It was the first time Steven saw him smile like that. There was such a soft expression on the gem’s face. He looked genuinely happy.  


“Can I kiss you then?” Pink asked, and yeah, Steven definitely won’t stop blushing any time soon.  


“I, uh, don’t think this is a good idea,” Steven mumbled.  


Pink frowned, lowering his gaze. Steven sighed. He really wanted to see him happy again. Steven didn’t know he could make Pink so happy. And they… kissed before, haven’t they? And Pink asked for permission now. One kiss. Just one.  


“Alright, just once, okay?”  


Now Steven was the one who looked away, because Pink looked at him with such a raw emotion, and he wasn’t sure he was prepared to learn what exactly was in his stare. Did he really… love Steven? He closed his eyes as Pink brought their lips together. It felt warm and nice. Like coming back home on a winter day while the snow fell silently outside, and everyone was home and safe, and everything was okay. Steven felt calm for the first time since he arrived on Homeworld with his gem. He opened his mouth, and Pink deepened the kiss. How can he be such a good kisser, Steven thought lazily, then realized what he was thinking and pulled away, breaking the kiss.  


Pink blinked his eyes open. He looked almost dreamy. He licked his lips, clearly ready for more, and Steven had to look away. Did the kiss feel as nice for him as it did for Steven? Steven still had no idea why it felt so good. It’s not like he had a lot of experience with kisses. Kissing Connie, even though he loved doing it (he would never tell her that), didn’t feel like kissing Pink. With him it felt… deep and _right_ somehow. Which was confusing. What was right about kissing his other half?  


God, he was tired of thinking.  


They spent some time laying close to each other, and Steven tried not to think about anything. It was surprisingly easy when they were touching. It felt like all his worries were swept away by a wave of calm. He felt whole. He wondered if Pink felt the same way. Steven was sure the feeling would slip away if he were to speak, which was silly, but he stayed silent all the same.  


After a while they heard a weird, sharp noise coming from the door. Then Pink Pearl’s voice filled the room.  


“My radiant Diamond, Blue Diamond is requesting a meeting.”  


Pink hummed in acknowledgment and then looked at Steven, smiling. Steven smiled back, a bit nervously. Pink’s face wore this soft, open expression again. Like he really _saw_ Steven. Like Steven wasn’t just a pet, or whatever Pink thought of him initially.  


Pink got up and floated down to the door. It opened and closed after him.  


Steven kept laying in a state of a dreamy, peaceful haze, but slowly he came back to his senses. And the thoughts came again.  


Why was he experiencing such a strong wave of emotions towards Pink? He was Steven’s gem, that was true, but Steven hadn’t felt like this before. Was it because of what Pink did? How could he think that the best way to show his love to Steven was to give him a blowjob?!  


Actually, he could, Steven thought and turned to his side, curling into a ball and pressing his hands to his burning face. Pink lost all his memories. Pink knew basically nothing about humans. How was he supposed to get the difference between love and sex? Especially if he went with the example of the Zoo, which didn’t even work like society on Earth. What Pink did was wrong, but Steven could understand why he did it. There was no concept of love on Homeworld at all. Steven still couldn’t get used to it. He grew up with the Crystal gems, and he was loved, so it was hard to accept the fact that the words “love” and “family” didn’t mean anything on Homeworld.  


He remembered Pink’s lips, his touch, how his pink eyes focused on him with intensity that Steven kind of… liked. He felt ashamed at the thought. Was that why he let Pink did what he did? Did Steven _like it?_ He tugged hard at his hair. It was awful, it was wrong, it wasn’t _normal. But he liked it_. Steven felt disgusted with himself. Something heavy settled in his stomach. He started crying then. He was so angry. Why couldn’t Pink just fuse with him?! Why did he lock Steven up here and then said that he loved him? That wasn’t love! Did not having memories destroyed his sense of right and wrong completely?! If he really loved Steven, he’d let him go! Or fused with him!  


But Pink didn’t have his memories. And there was no way of returning them. Before White broke them apart, they were Steven Universe. But after that… After that Pink must have developed his own kind of consciousness. What else was he supposed to do? He was left on Homeworld while White wanted him to be Pink Diamond that was long gone, Steven was ripped away, and so was Pink’s former personality. He must have created himself again. Pink wasn’t a part of him anymore. All this time Steven thought that he was, but if that was the case, Pink would have never done what he did.  


These thoughts calmed him down a little. If his gem really wasn’t a part of Steven, then Pink decided to do what he did on his own accord. Steven didn’t want to make out with himself because Pink wasn’t him, simple as that. Pink was still his gem, and Steven was still ashamed that he liked kissing and touching him, but he decided not to think about that for now.  


If Pink really was someone new, the question was, what will Steven do with that? Could he help somehow? Pink told him about his doubts, maybe it meant that he understood on some level that what they do on Homeworld is wrong? If he doubted White, then maybe… maybe Steven could help him change, like he helped so many others?  


Steven sat up and looked out the window, at the huge, hulking form of White’s ship. At that moment, Steven decided that he will do everything in his power to help his gem.


	15. A talk about feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m getting a feeling that this fanfic will be long haha  
> Also almost all of the chapters I have now are around 10 pages long so I’ll post one chapter per update. Enjoy!:3  
> Warnings for this chapter: non-consensual kissing, it’s brief but it’s still there.  
> I associate the scene in Pink’s bathroom with this composition: Akira Yamaoka – Forest. Give it a try if you want to:)

Steven spent the last several hours alone in Pink’s room and he was ready to scream in frustration. He had nothing to do, absolutely _nothing_. He was dying of boredom. He had no way of reaching his gem or anyone really, he hadn’t seen a single Pebble and he doubted they would talk to him anyway now that he was human. Steven was locked up. It was awful and maddening, and he couldn’t do a single thing about it. He tried not to think about his family, he didn’t want to make himself feel worse than he already did. But he was alone and he had no way of distracting himself from the thoughts, so of course he started thinking about them again.  


Everyone was probably worried sick about him. Steven left them, and they had no way of getting to him. Again. They must feel terrible and helpless. Steven knew he felt this way when he realized he couldn’t get to his gem, that he was stuck on Earth. And then, four years later his gem came for Steven himself.  


Steven remembered everything happen again. He’d been torturing himself with these thoughts for the past few days, trying to find a way in which he could have prevented Pink from hurting anyone. From taking Steven away. He remembered how the two gems that were his Garnet fell on the sand after the shield’s blast. He remembered how Pearl looked at him, when she got up. It was a desperate and loving look, like she knew she couldn’t protect him, but she was prepared to die trying. He remembered his dad and Connie, how she was speaking up, unafraid, he remembered Peridot, who looked like she could tear Pink to shreds for trying to hurt her friends.  


Steven started crying again. He missed them all so much. He wanted to go home. How long had he been on Homeworld? It must have been several days by now. A week? Steven had no idea. The sky here always stayed the same, washed out and bleak. Everything around him seemed washed out and bleak. Steven wished he could talk Pink into letting him go back. He understood now that it will be really hard. His gem acted like a Diamond, taking what he wanted without a care. 

Steven remembered the expression on the gem’s face when he was telling him about Rose and the rebellion. It was pure astonishment, like Pink couldn’t believe anyone would fight for organic life on Earth. Steven sighed. White really made him into a “proper Diamond”. That thought made him angry. White just molded Pink to her liking without a care. No wonder Pink had no qualms about taking Steven away from everyone he loved. But Steven will change that. Pink needed his help, even if he didn’t realize it himself yet.  


He got up and turned the water on, washed his face. He had to get himself together. He had to be strong if he wanted to change Pink’s mind. Steven had been staying in the bathroom for what felt like three hours. He liked it here more than in the huge, empty pink room. He felt safer here.  


Steven was ready to sit back on the tiled floor, when he heard the door open. He wiped at his face again and went out of the bathroom. Steven expected to see Pink in the room, but instead two Peridots were staring at him with curious and perplexed expressions on their faces. They looked almost identical and were as tall as Steven with their limb enhancers. Both of them had holographic panels pulled up.  


“Hello?” he said. They kept staring at him. Steven felt uncomfortable.  


“By Agate’s order we came to hand St— Steven a number of necessary items and take some measurements,” said one of them, stumbling over his name. She scanned him with her panel, and then came closer, taking one of his hands in hers, mumbling something, making notes and poking at his fingers. Steven felt even more uncomfortable, but he didn’t protest. When she was done, the other Peridot tapped a tiny cube on her palm, and it grew in size, a second later revealing some things that were pushed in Steven’s hands. A pair of jeans with a t-shirt, same as the one he was wearing, a weirdly looking razor, some kind of tube and a strange long stick with a button. Steven pushed it, and a row of small bristles came out on one end. Steven narrowed his eyes.  


“Is that… supposed to be a toothbrush?” he asked, and Peridot who gave it to him nodded solemnly.  


“Why does it have a button?”  


“How else will the surface with bristles come up?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. Like hiding the bristles and making them pop out was the obvious way of making a toothbrush. Steven didn’t know what to say to that.  


“We are done now, so we’ll take our leave,” said the other Peridot briskly and turned around.  


“Wait!” Steven exclaimed. These two were the only means of communication to the outside world that he had now. Both of them looked at him, clearly baffled. What could he say to them? Steven was desperate to get out of this room.  


“I don’t have any opportunity to reach Pink, uh, Pink Diamond. Do you know what he is up to?”  


“Pink Diamond doesn’t notify _us_ of such matters,” one of them said.  


“But she’s probably busy with preparing to the ceremony dedicated to her return to Homeworld,” the other Peridot said. The first one sent her an annoyed look.  


“Okay, I’d like to send him a message then,” Steven said. They looked almost scared by this suggestion, like Jasper was.  


“I did it before using other gems’ panels, which I can’t use myself,” Steven explained.  


The gems before him looked at each other uncertainly. Then one of them opened her green-tinted panel. Steven relaxed a bit. Another small battle for his limited freedom won. Steven was annoyed that he had to ask permission for such simple things, but Pink seemed to have a strong desire to protect him from everyone and everything, leaving him locked up in one room. Well, they didn't see eye to eye in this regard.  


“Does Steven wish to send the message in vocal or written form?” Peridot asked, and Steven thought for a moment. He felt like he could be more persuasive if he used his voice.  


“Vocal,” he decided, and Peridot pressed something. Then the two gems looked at him expectantly.  


“Uh, can I start now?” he asked and blushed slightly, when one of them nodded. Okay, improvisation, Steven was good at it, right? “Hello, Pink. I hope everything is going well with, uh, preparing to the ceremony. I wanted to ask if I could…” No, he needed to sound more confident. “I want to leave the room for a while. I’m so tired of sitting here alone and I have nothing to do. Can I go somewhere else in the Palace?”  


Peridot pressed something and said, “Steven’s message has been sent.”  


“Great,” he said.  


The gems looked at each other again, as if trying to decide what they should do next through a silent conversation. Then the one who sent his message said, “I will be here awaiting for Pink Diamond’s reply. If you don’t mind, Steven.”  


“Okay, sure,” Steven said. Then he thought about standing inext to her, trying to make small talk awkwardly. He sighed and decided that he’d rather wait in the bathroom.  


When he closed the door after himself, Steven went and sat down in the same place he’d been in before Peridots came. He had to send Pink his pleas through them. That was humiliating.  


Why did Steven think that talking to other Homeworld gems will make him feel any better? He felt worse now. He felt like an exotic animal left for them to stare at. He felt like a pet they had to treat with care, because who knew what Pink Diamond would do if something were to happen to Steven. He felt invisible as a person and at the center of their attention as Pink’s _thing_. He hated the feeling.  


Why did he think Homeworld gems would be anything like the Crystal gems? Steven sighed and rubbed at his face. He tried not to think more about it as time passed. Finally, Peridot’s voice called out, “Steven?”  


He didn’t want to see her again, but he got up all the same. Anything to get out of this room. She was standing outside, in the same spot he left her.  


“A message from Pink Diamond. Jasper was sent to escort Steven to Pink Diamond’s ablution chamber,” she said. Steven stared.  


“Ablution? Doesn’t that mean a bathroom?” She sent him a flat look. “Like Yellow’s extraction chamber?” he continued, and she nodded.  


“I wonder why you even have these. Gems don’t need to bathe, right?” he mused.  


“The luminous Diamonds enjoy bathing activities,” Peridot said. That didn’t explain much. He decided not to ask more and went to fetch a new set of clothes he got. Maybe he’ll need them in this “ablution chamber”.  


Jasper arrived after a minute of awkward silence, and Peridot went her own way. Steven longed to be able to do that, to just go wherever he wanted. But they headed into a corridor smaller than others next to Pink’s room. Steven had no desire to talk to Jasper, and their walk through the corridor was completely silent.  


Jasper opened the door and they entered. Steven looked around curiously. The room was as big as Pink’s room, but the walls here were colored dark pink, and there were no windows. The walls had some murals on them, but Steven didn’t think they depicted anything interesting. On the floor there was a colored square, like the one Steven saw at the bottom of Blue’s pool.  


Jasper pressed some buttons on the control panel, and the square moved. Steven had no idea how much water would come out, it seemed like the whole room could be filled with it. The air got heavy, humid. His jeans would get wet he thought, but Steven wasn’t comfortable enough in this weird room to take them off, so he just tugged them higher. He was just about to ask Jasper about the water level, when the square moved back in its place, and the water stopped coming. It barely covered his ankles. It was warm and moved softly, also colored pink.  


Then part of the wall where there were no murals suddenly moved, turning into a huge step, or a… bench of sorts? It didn’t look comfortable. Steven thought it was weird that there was so little water, but when he turned to Jasper, he asked something completely different. 

“Did this room belong to Pink Diamond before… in Era one?” The question was out of his mouth before Steven could think.  


“Yes, Steven.”  


The water was still moving a little. The murals were glinting, reflecting the light, perfect, unreachable and cold. The only sound was the water splashing quietly against the walls of the room.  


Steven imagined his mother sitting here alone, with her legs in the water. Maybe she was humming softly. Maybe she was twirling around. Maybe she stood here, just like Steven now, looking at the water, at her own wavering reflection, thinking. Maybe she felt lonely and lost too. She only had the Diamonds to turn to. She lied to everyone but Pearl about who she was, but if this was how she lived, could Steven blame her for that? She wanted to change, and she did.  


Steven carried the weight of her mistakes and her lies now. He pressed his hands to his stomach. His gem was carrying this weight too. Why did it have to happen like this? They didn’t deserve it, but this was the reality.  


He sighed, letting go of his t-shirt, then took a couple of steps in the water. It glinted happily with light, even though Steven saw no light sources, just pink glimmering ceiling. He traced the smooth material of the bench with his fingertips. It felt nothing, not cold, not warm, just smooth and hard. The water was still moving, and it was hypnotizing. His own breathing and the sounds of the water were the only sounds he heard.  


Why did it have to happen? he thought again to himself.  


*  


When Steven got back to the room, he was calmer. Or maybe emptier. It felt like all the tears were cried, and all the worries had calmed for the time being.  


He took a normal shower, shaved and brushed his teeth (the toothpaste tasted weird), then got into the clean clothes. The reality around was out of focus somehow, hushed to a whisper. Steven got on the pillows and decided to meditate. Before he was anxious and miserable, but now he could concentrate on his breath and try to find some kind of peace in his thoughts, like Garnet taught him. It was hard. Steven kept thinking about his family, about the Diamonds, and Pink, and Homeworld. But then, little by little, he let these thoughts go. Just for a while. And he breathed. His thoughts were calm for now. Steven felt almost peaceful. The wave of his breath rose and fell, constant, calming.  


And that’s when Pink returned. Steven, caught up in his meditative state, didn’t even hear the door open.  


“Steven?” he heard and started out of his calm state. Steven opened his eyes and saw Pink sitting next to him. His thoughts were still sluggish. Coming back to reality felt like rising up from the bottom of a clear lake.  


Pink looked tense, his hands were clenched on his lap and his eyes shone bright. He looked ready to swing into action and just as ready to fall on the pillows and lay unmoving for a long time.  


“Did something happen?” Steven asked worriedly, coming out of the meditation posture and moving closer. Pink didn’t answer, but he continued to stare at him. Steven reached, still unsure, and took Pink’s gloved hand in his, squeezing lightly. Pink blinked slowly. Steven was sure he didn’t blink before.  


And then Pink tackled him with a hug, literally. Steven fell backwards from the force of it. For a short moment they laid like this, Pink was squeezing him almost painfully tight, and then the gem broke the embrace and pulled back a bit. He looked at Steven with too-bright eyes, and Steven felt… not scared exactly, but definitely tense. Steven opened his mouth to say something, anything, and at that moment Pink kissed him. Steven froze. Instantly he felt warm, but also uncomfortable, and ashamed, and like something was _wrong_. Steven put his hands on the gem’s shoulders, trying to push him away. Hands circled around his wrists and pushed them into the pillows on either side of his head. Steven didn’t dare move, letting Pink continue the kiss. Now he was definitely getting scared. Steven thought he explained how important consent was. Did Pink simply not care? What was he planning to do? Steven’s heart was beating fast, and his palms were sweaty, and he had no idea what—  


At that moment, Pink broke the kiss and pulled back again.  


“Don’t,” Steven rushed to say the first thing that came to his mind. He didn’t know if the gem would listen. Slowly, the grip on his wrists eased and then disappeared. Pink got off of him and sat up. Steven rushed to do the same, trying to calm his breath. Okay. At least Pink listened, that was good.  


“I thought it would help,” Pink said, his face settling into a dark expression. Steven flinched. His hands still shook slightly. God, he had to calm down. He had to _listen_ if he didn’t want it to happen again.  


“With what?” Steven asked finally.  


“Last time when I kissed you, it felt… nice and… comforting. You looked so calm.” Pink was quiet for a moment. “But it didn’t work.”  


“I think it only works if I… if I want to kiss you too,” Steven said. Pink was quiet for a couple of seconds.  


“Consent,” he said then, as if just remembering the word. Steven felt a wave of irritation and anger wash over him. It was the most important word, and Pink just _forgot_ about it? Forgot about Steven’s consent?  


“Pink,” Steven started and tried to hold the gem’s heavy stare. It wasn’t easy. “Next time please remember about it. It’s very important for me.”  


Steven blushed then, he said it as if Pink will kiss him again. Pink nodded and immediately asked, “Can I kiss you now?”  


Steven winced. Was Pink trying to make himself feel better this way?  


“Look, if you feel bad, then kissing won’t help. It’s better to talk about whatever upset you. Can you tell me what happened?”  


Steven tried to sound confident, like he knew what he was talking about. He made a lot of gems feel better by talking to them. Pink’s expression turned into a scowl, his lips becoming a thin line. Steven tensed. He realized now how much stronger than him Pink was. Steven really didn’t want to be kissed again. What he wanted was to lock himself in the bathroom for a while, but that wouldn’t help either of them now.  


“Can I hug you then?” Pink asked.  


“Yeah, okay,” Steven answered, and Pink moved closer, hugging him tightly. Steven tried to breathe deeply. Everything was okay, they were just hugging, and his gem was listening to him. They sat like this for a minute or two. Then Pink said, “I met with Yellow and Blue to discuss some things for the ceremony.”  


He decided to share, Steven thought and relaxed in the embrace. That was good. Feelings definitely were Steven’s area of expertise. He knew he could help Pink with whatever was bothering him.  


“Did something happen while you were with them?” he asked.  


“No,” Pink answered.  


Steven blinked. Then said, “But something upset you.”  


Pink nodded, pressing himself tighter into Steven. Steven waited patiently for him to continue.  


“I don’t know how to talk about feelings,” the gem said finally.  


That was new. Was it because Steven was the emotional part of their fusion or because of what White did to him? It was… so sad. Feeling something and not have the ability to express it. Pink did express himself yesterday, talking about his doubts, but that was more of a breakdown than a normal talk.  


“I can teach you. It’s not as hard as it looks,” Steven offered. 

Silence settled over them for a minute again.  


“You can tell me how your emotions feel,” Pink said, and he sounded almost hopeful. That was a start.  


“What should I start with?” Steven mused.  


“What do you feel when you think about your family?” Pink asked immediately. Steven smiled softly. He didn’t even have to think, the emotions resurfaced easily, naturally.  


“Affection, trust, joy. I care about them and I want to protect them.”  


“Love,” Pink summed up, and Steven hummed in agreement. “What do you feel when you think about Rose?”  


Oh, no. They weren’t going there.  


“This is not… an easy topic, so I think we should talk about something else.”  


“I want to know,” Pink said.  


“Great, and I don’t want to tell you,” Steven answered curtly. Pink tensed. They were both silent for another minute.  


“Was she… better than me?” Pink asked, and Steven frowned.  


“What?”  


He tried to pull back. Pink was still hugging him close, so Steven didn’t succeed.  


“You love her more,” the gem said quietly.  


“And why would you think that?” Steven said, suddenly angry. “Let me go!”  


He pulled away and looked Pink straight in the eye.  


“You only know what I told you about her, and I didn’t know her either. All I know is that she lied to her friends and hurt them, left me with her problems, and maybe she loved me, but she _didn’t know me either_. I tried for so long to fulfill everyone’s expectations, I tried to be like her, and then it turned out that the person I admired _doesn’t even exist!_ And here you are, talking about how much I love her?! What do _you_ even know?!”  


Steven fell silent, trying to calm down. He already regretted his outburst. Pink looked at him with a weird expression. He looked almost… happy?  


“You’re _angry_ with her,” he said.  


Steven sighed. “It’s so much more than that. Can we stop talking about this now?”  


And there he was five minutes ago, saying that emotions weren’t hard to discuss.  


“I’m angry too,” the gem said. “I’m enraged.”  


Steven blinked, thrown off guard.  


“With Rose you mean?”  


Pink nodded.  


“She hurt you.”  


For a second, Steven felt as if he couldn’t breathe at all. No, she couldn’t have hurt him, she was long gone! His gem was just confused, that’s all.  


“She didn’t! And anyway, it wasn’t her fault, she grew up on Homeworld, and still she wanted to change, and—”  


“She hurt you,” Pink said again, as if it was some simple truth, which it _wasn’t_. Steven felt his anger rise again. He clenched his fists.  


“What do you know? You didn’t know her!”  


Pink frowned. “I don’t need to know her to realize that she hurt you.”  


“She didn’t mean to! It wasn’t her fault!” Steven cried out, feeling tears gather in his eyes and start to fall. Why was he crying? Why was he so upset?  


“I don’t think she meant to,” Pink answered. Then his face softened. “But it doesn’t change the fact. That’s why you’re angry, like me.”  


Steven rubbed at his eyes furiously. “What do you know, you’re _her gem._ ”  


Steven regretted his words immediately. Pink looked hurt.  


“Sorry,” Steven mumbled.  


“I’m your gem too. And I’m _not her_.”  


“I know that,” Steven whispered, wiping at his eyes. Why did he feel so bad? She didn’t mean to. He was okay. Wasn’t he?  


“I’m just… tired of being compared to her. It seems like wherever I go I always hear her name. She… hurt everyone.” These words felt like a confession. Steven’s heart clenched. He felt hurt. She hurt _him_.  


“Steven.”  


He didn’t want to look up, but he had no choice. Steven just shouted at his gem and told him things he had never told anyone. He was afraid of what Pink might say, now that the truth was out. Now that he knew that Steven _wasn’t_ okay.  


“You are you, and I love you. Because you are Steven,” Pink said in the same confident tone, like it was another universal truth. Steven felt new tears slide down his cheeks as he hugged the gem tightly again. He was needed. He was wanted. Pink didn’t reject him even after hearing all the awful things Steven had said.  


“I really need to go to the bathroom,” Steven rasped when he managed to calm down. He felt like he had been crying for a day straight.  


In the bathroom he drank and washed his face. That made him feel a little better. He looked at his reflection. All the crying and letting his feelings out had left him feeling tired, but satisfied in a weird way. He felt calmer now. Steven smiled weakly at his reflection. Yeah, that’s how you show your gem what talking about feelings really means.  


When Steven got back, he found Pink sitting in the exact spot where he had left him. Steven sat down near him.  


“I still want to talk about what upset you, Pink,” Steven said. Then added, a little embarrassed, “Also I wanted to say… thank you. For listening to me. And for the support.”  


Pink smiled at him. It was soft and sweet, and Steven forgot what he wanted to say, looking at him. Steven liked it when Pink smiled. The gem’s face turned smug, and Steven realized that he had been staring. He quickly averted his gaze.  


“Before we talk I want to touch your hair,” Pink said. It sounded like an order, and Steven instantly tensed.  


“If you would let me,” Pink added, looking unsure. That calmed Steven. Pink remembered about consent. Steven could say no. But if all Pink wanted to do was touch his hair, then Steven didn’t mind.  


“Okay,” he said, moving closer. “But then we’ll talk.”  


He waited for Pink to reach out, but Pink only took his own hands off his lap.  


“You want me to, uh, lay down?” Steven asked, feeling embarrassed again.  


“Only if I have your consent,” Pink said, and Steven smiled. It seemed like the gem was finally taking everything seriously. That was good.  


Steven nodded and laid down with his head in Pink’s lap. His dress felt… weird. Not exactly like a cloth, but like something hard and fluid at the same time, almost like a liquid but not. Pink’s face was above him, and his gem (their gem) shone some inches from Steven’s face. The position felt unexpectedly intimate, and Steven felt his face get warm again.  


A hand touched his hair, and Steven tried to relax, tried not to think about anything. Some feeling was nudging at him. He was so tired. At first, Pink’s touch was timid, but then he got bolder, carding his hand through Steven’s hair, twirling the strands softly, never with enough force to hurt. It was calming. Steven closed his eyes, still seeing his gem’s glow through his closed eyelids. That was calming too. Steven needed a little rest. Just a little bit.


	16. Back to Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: non-consensual kissing, non-consensual touching. This is the most intense that things will get in my story with Steven not enjoying it, so please mind the warnings!  
> I’m feeling a little under the weather so I didn’t check this chapter as carefully as I usually do. If there are any mistakes or anything, let me know:3

“Is she still there?”  


Pearl stopped herself from flinching, hearing clear irritation in White’s voice.  


“Yes, my Diamond. Pink hasn’t left her chamber since the meeting.”  


White tapped the edge of her armrest impatiently. Pearl looked at her long black nails. It seemed like more often than not Pearl found herself in the state of either apprehension or pure terror ever since White ceased to control her. It was tiring and very inconvenient.  


“Well, then,” White said. “Is there anything else?”  


Pearl shook her head, smile unwavering. “Unfortunately, I couldn’t return to Pink Diamond sooner while I was under her order to stay near Yellow Diamond’s quarters.” Pearl tried to sound apologetic. Judging by White’s unimpressed look, she didn’t succeed. Oh well.  


“I hope you will not leave her side for such an extended period of time again,” White said.  


“I will not, my Diamond,” Pearl bowed carefully.  


“That will be all.”  


White didn’t turn her words into an order, and that was understandable. Her will could come in direct conflict with the will of Pink Diamond, and that would certainly not end well for Pearl. She wouldn’t like to be shattered to pieces, torn away by contradictory orders.  


Well, it was time to get back to her duties. For now, it included staying outside of her Diamond’s chamber, relying messages or waiting for an order to come. Pearl was happy to be of service, but standing in one place without having anything to do for cycles wasn’t easy. Maybe she’ll get an order soon. She liked helping Pink with her reports, that was calming. Or maybe her Diamond would let her be in the chamber, like she did before she brought Steven from her colony. Pearl didn’t want to raise her hopes though.  


*  


Steven fell asleep on his lap. Pink was very pleased. He continued to play with Steven’s hair for a while, looking at the peaceful, relaxed expression on his face. Pink committed to memory every moment of their conversation from earlier. Every expression on Steven’s face, his anger, his sadness, his tears and a small smile that he sent Pink. All this Pink put carefully in his memory, making sure that he didn’t forget a thing. It was important.  


Steven was angry at Rose. That made Pink feel relieved. It justified Pink being angry with her. But it also showed that Steven could be angry with someone who was a part of his family, if they hurt him. Pink was angry with Yellow and Blue, and they hurt him too. By hiding the truth, by acting like nothing had happened, by being unwilling to talk to Pink with honesty. Steven was angry with Rose, and that was normal. Pink was angry with Blue and Yellow, and that was normal too. It meant that Pink wasn’t broken.  


It didn’t change the fact that Pink couldn’t keep his emotions under control. It definitely didn’t change the fact that he hurt Steven. But he wasn’t a completely lost cause anymore. That made Pink feel good.  


Steven mumbled something in his sleep and turned, almost pressing his face to Pink’s gem. Pink smiled. He would have never let anyone else get so close to him. Steven will probably sleep for a while, he figured. In the meantime, Pink could work with some of the documents Yellow sent him. They all concerned the upcoming ceremony. Homeworld hadn’t seen a ceremony so massive in a very long time. Last time was when Pink Diamond was announced as the fourth Diamond to enter the rule of the Great Diamond Authority. And now they were celebrating him coming back.  


Pink cringed, but opened his panel and started to look through the options of his court’s placement. They all looked practically the same, but he had to choose one, so he picked one without looking closer. Pink sent the Sapphire responsible for the placement his choice, and she approved it immediately. Of course she did. He forwarded the document to Yellow. She will no doubt rejoice when she sees Pink treating his responsibilities seriously.  


He hated that he had to approve of every little detail. He hated Blue’s smiles and Yellow watchful stares. He hated how everyone reminded him that he “came back”, as if he was _her_. Rose. The real— no, the _previous_ Pink Diamond. But he wasn’t her. He was himself. No one could see that but Steven. No one understood but him. Pink looked at the human and felt the anger and frustration inside of him slowly settle. He could handle it, as long as Steven was by his side.  


He looked through the other documents. What did he care which waltz will be played first? What did he care for the decoration of the hall? They all seemed like inconsequential details someone would order a Pyrope to arrange. Pink gathered his will and did one of the other documents. Then he moved to colonies’ reports. At least they didn’t give him a headache. For a cycle he was busy with them. 

After sending everything and putting away the panel, Pink looked at Steven again. He wanted to kiss him again, but he had to remember about consent. Lately all he wanted to do was to touch and kiss Steven. It felt so nice and relaxing. Pink wasn’t used to being relaxed. He wasn’t supposed to be relaxed, he was a Diamond. He had to be focused, and strong, and unwavering. But with Steven he could let go of that for a little while. With Steven Pink could be different.  


Pink looked at him for a while, admiring the roundness of his cheeks and the pretty color of his skin, letting go of his own tension. Steven was so warm, and soft, and alive. Pink touched his cheek. Then drew a line with his fingertips down Steven’s arm. That feeling of quiet happiness inside. That was all he wanted. Pink drew the line again, reversing the direction. Steven hummed, and Pink drew his hand back, but Steven’s breathing pattern was different now. He was slowly waking up.  


“Mhm, Connie?” he mumbled.  


Pink frowned. Connie? The name sounded vaguely familiar. It was a human name, he was bad with these.  


Steven opened his eyes, and his gaze settled on Pink’s gem. The relaxed expression was gone from his face in an instant. Steven froze, and then slowly turned his head to meet Pink’s gaze. Pink didn’t like the way he looked at him. Like he was waiting for Pink to make another scene.  


“Uh, hi,” Steven said. Why was Steven greeting him? Pink didn’t understand, but he nodded.  


“Who is Connie?” he asked, and Steven looked embarrassed. His face was a bit red too.  


“Oh, um, you met Connie on Earth. She was telling you about conditions for humans.” Now Steven’s face turned pensive and sad. Pink didn’t want him to think about Earth. He didn’t want Steven to ask to send him back. He didn’t know what he would do if Steven asked that.  


“So, I gotta go to the toilet,” Steven said, changing the subject.  


“Toilet?”  


“The bathroom, I have to use the bathroom,” Steven explained. Pink didn’t understand anything. Steven got up and left.  


While he was “using the bathroom”, Pink was thinking. He remembered the day when he met Steven very well. He remembered Steven’s happy expression, his laughter and his tears, he remembered the feeling of being full and _complete_ when they touched. Pink remembered how Steven begged him not to hurt his family, the expression on his face in that moment. He started hurting Steven from the moment they met. But he _needed_ Steven. He needed Steven so much. More than anything.  


Pink heard the door open, and then Steven’s voice from below, “You wouldn’t happen to have a protein shake?”  


Actually, Pearl gave him the “food for organic creatures called a fruit” that was created from the Zoo’s prototype. He summoned the “fruit” from his gem and looked at the bright violet shape of it, turning it in his palm. Steven was walking up the stairs to where Pink was sitting.  


“Oh, no way! I don’t have to drink these awful things anymore!” Steven said when he got up on the platform. He sounded excited. Pink looked at his smiling face. “That’s the fruit for the Zoo, right?”  


Pink nodded and gave it to him. Steven sat beside him and started eating enthusiastically. Pink was unable to look away. The fruit was succulent inside, and Steven’s lips were wet, the liquid from the fruit was running down his chin when he wasn’t careful with biting. The way he was biting into the fruit was… Pink felt a familiar pleasant flutter inside himself. When Steven was done with the fruit, Pink finally tore his eyes away from his mouth.  


“Is it really that interesting to watch me eat?” Steven asked, looking embarrassed.  


“I like how your mouth looks when you do it,” Pink answered, and Steven’s face got red. Pink had no idea why he was doing it, but he didn’t want to ask now. Something else was on his mind, and he had to word it carefully. “I would really like to kiss you now.”  


Pink knew about consent now, so he was prepared for Steven to say no. But instead of answering Steven looked down, and his face got even more red.  


“Steven?”  


“Okay,” Steven said quickly. Then looked at Pink again.  


“Is that your consent?”  


“Yeah,” Steven said very quietly. Pink felt different emotions swirling inside. His gem was vibrating with warm energy. Pink moved closer. Then traced a line of Steven’s jaw with his fingertips. He really liked touching Steven. Steven’s cheeks were still red, and his lips were slightly wet from the fruit. He pressed closer, and Steven opened his mouth so that Pink could deepen the kiss. There were so many emotions inside him that Pink didn’t try to understand. The only thing he knew was that it felt perfect. The thoughts and the reality around them melted away gradually. He kissed Steven, enjoying the softness and the warmth, and the pleasant feeling came to him again. Pink wanted to show how much he was enjoying the kiss, so he moaned, and Steven immediately pulled back. Pink blinked his eyes open. They always seemed to close on their own accord when they were kissing.  


“I like kissing you so much,” Pink said, and Steven’s face turned very red again. “Why does your face keep getting red?”  


“Oh God,” Steven groaned, rubbing at his face. “I’ll explain that some other time, okay?”  


Then his expression changed, like he remembered about something.  


“While you’re here I wanted to ask… But wait, why are you here?”  


“I can’t be in my own chamber?” Pink said, raising his eyebrow.  


“No, no, of course you can, I just mean you were gone a lot before?”  


“I don’t have any meetings to attend to until the ceremony has taken place.”  


“What exactly is this ceremony?” Steven asked. Pink looked away from him. He didn’t want to talk about this. Pink had no idea how he will deal with the responsibilities that had to do with the ceremony. Pink had no idea how he will get through the ceremony itself, when even the thought of it sent him spiraling into anger and frustration.  


“It’s an event celebrating me coming back to Homeworld as a Diamond in my own right,” he said, tone flat. “And for some reason I have to take care of every inconsequential thing.” His hands clenched into fists. “Why would I care about the decorations? What does it matter if my waltz comes before Yellow’s? Why should I be the one—”  


He felt a hand touch his own and fell silent. Then looked at Steven, who looked back with a soft expression. Immediately Pink felt embarrassed by his outburst.  


“If you want, I can help you with all that,” Steven suggested. “I mean, I have nothing to do anyway.” There it was again, that defeated, sad look on his face. Pink felt a pang of guilt. Then Steven smiled again, even though it was strained, “I’m good at organizing parties.”  


“Parties?”  


“Ceremonies I mean. You said something about decorations? Let me take a look.”  


He sounded so self-assured that Pink opened a needed document without complaint. They spent almost a cycle preparing various documents for the ceremony. With Steven the preparation didn’t seem so tedious anymore. He was talking and smiling, sometimes he frowned in confusion or sat with a contemplating expression on his face, and Pink found it very cute. Most importantly, Steven was right. He was good at “organizing parties”. The right choices for preparations came easily, almost naturally, even though Steven didn’t know anything about Homeworld politics or gem propriety and etiquette. Pink helped him with that.  


“It sucks that I can’t read gem glyph,” Steven said at some point, looking at Pink’s panel where a document was pulled up. “Can you make me a panel too? One that would react to my touch and with the language that I can understand?”  


Pink nodded, “A prototype is being developed right now.”  


Steven looked excited and ready to ask more. Pink loved how Steven glowed with emotions. It made him feel warm too.  


“Don’t ask me about it, I understand nothing in that department.”  


Steven chewed at his bottom lip. Pink watched him. He liked Steven’s mouth so much.  


“Also I’d like an ukulele,” Steven said.  


“A what?”  


There were so many concepts and things in Steven’s world that Pink had no idea about. Steven giggled and explained, “It’s an instrument. For playing music.”  


“You want to play music for the ceremony?” Pink asked, completely shocked and somewhat fearful.  


Steven laughed. Pink’s feeling of surprise changed into something close to awe. His gem warmed up and vibrated pleasantly once, then twice. Steven was laughing. He looked happy. He hadn’t looked like that since the moment they first met. Pink felt himself smile too.  


“Oh, Pink,” Steven said, still laughing. He calmed down a little and continued, “You know you can play any kind of music on ukulele, not only ‘for the ceremony’.”  


Looking at his happy face, Pink couldn’t help but share his own emotions with him.  


“You are the most wonderful, Steven.”  


Steven blinked, his smile turning shy and his face getting red again. It must have been a good thing. Steven was red in the face when Pink told him nice things.  


“You can think about the things you need,” Pink continued, “and I’ll give the list to Agate in charge of my research group.”  


For some reason, that made Steven wilt. Was he thinking about Earth again? Pink was keeping Steven away from the gems that he loved. Away from his home. For how long will he be able to keep Steven? He felt like their time together was trickling away. It was going too fast. It was going to end too soon. Pink _knew_ it was going to end. Nothing good ever stayed.  


Pink didn’t want to think about it now. He was glad when Steven broke the silence that settled between them.  


“Okay, so I still wanted to talk to you about your feelings.”  


Pink hoped that they won’t have to touch upon that subject any time soon, but of course Steven didn’t forget. Pink didn’t want to tell Steven about his feelings. What if he thinks Pink is hopeless? What if he thinks Pink is defective? Pink couldn’t risk that. One of these thoughts probably showed on his face somehow, because Steven moved closer, took his hand and smiled.  


“I know you can do it. You told me about your emotions once already.”  


A cold sense of fear settled within Pink when he heard that. The gem in his body constricted painfully, the pulsated unevenly. Did he tell Steven something? When was that?  


“And nothing bad happened,” Steven rushed to say, but that didn’t calm him.  


“When?” Pink asked in an empty, flat voice. And then he remembered. “When I told you there was something wrong with me.”  


Pink felt like there was an empty, bottomless pit where his gem was. He clutched at it without meaning to and was reassured to find it still there, a cold and comforting presence, each facet smooth and alive with energy.  


How could he forget about that conversation? It felt as if it was removed from his memory altogether. Was it because of what White did to him? Was he defective now? Did that mean he wasn’t fit to rule? To be a Diamond? Did that mean he couldn’t be with Steven anymore?  


“I told you that I love you back then, and it didn’t change.”  


It took Pink some time to understand that sentence, to calm his building fear. Steven loved him? Yes, now he remembered that talk. And then they kissed, and it was nice and warm and he let go. Maybe that was why he forgot? Pink didn’t know, but he pulled himself together and tried to get rid of the fear. Steven didn’t judge him back then. He could trust him, right? Pink squeezed Steven’s hand, sending him a searching look. Steven looked back, unwavering.  


“You can tell me anything, Pink. I told you… things that I haven’t told anyone before,” Steven finished quietly.

Did Pink want Steven to know what he was thinking and feeling? Pink never trusted anyone with that. Could he trust Steven? Pink felt like he could. He understood now why he and Steven were fused before. He needed Steven. Pink never needed anyone as much as he needed him. It was time to start talking then.  


“I’m angry with Yellow and Blue,” Pink said without looking up. That confession weighed like a small dying star in his mouth. But, Pink reminded himself, Steven was angry with Rose too. It was okay to be angry. “They are supposed to be my family, but they think… they think there’s something wrong with me. I can see it in their eyes. They try to teach me how a true Diamond should act, but when I try I can see their disappointment. It’s like they are waiting for something else. Like they’re waiting for the— the previous Pink Diamond, or for you to fuse with me, or I don’t even know for what. They can’t accept that I’m different. They can’t accept that I’ve _changed_.”  


Something was hurting inside him. It felt so, so bad. Pink couldn’t stop the tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes.  


“Oh, Pink,” Steven said quietly and hugged him. Pink shuddered, pressing his face in the crook of Steven’s neck.  


“I’m trying to be a Diamond, but it feels like I don’t even know what it means. White clearly thinks I’m a failure,” he continued. Now that he started it was hard to stop, like he was travelling at hyperspeed without any way to change his destination. Anger that he locked up deep started to rise again, twisting and pulling at his control.  


“I’m trying to have everything under control even though it feels like I have no idea what I’m doing. Diamonds are supposed to _know that_ , we are the _leaders_. And I feel so _angry_ all the time, and I can’t control it,” he said, squeezing Steven harder in his embrace. “I hurt _you_ , you’re the most important, and I hurt you because I can’t control myself.”  


Pink felt the control slipping between his fingers even now. The emotions were strong and they seemed unstoppable now that he had let them out. He needed to do something. His gem felt unbearably heavy. He couldn’t take it.  


“It’s okay, Pink, it’s going to be okay,” Steven said, petting his hair lightly. His clothes were wet where Pink was pressing into him. Pink couldn’t stop crying.  


“Don’t lie to me. I know it won’t be.”  


He felt so _bad_.  


“I’ll help you, I’ll—”  


The pent-up emotions inside of him swelled. And popped.  


“You’ll _**leave!**_ ” Pink shoved Steven away, and he fell on the pillows. His face was scrunched up in pain. Pink hurt him again, why couldn’t he just stop? Pink clenched his hands into fists, fighting for control. 

“I’m not—” 

_**“Don’t lie to me!”**_

Steven winced, and Pink felt even worse. Why couldn’t he just _stop?_

“You’ll leave. You want to go back to Earth.” 

Steven looked at him with a vulnerable, sad look. There were tears in his eyes. Why would Steven be sad? Pink will _let him_ leave. What other choice did he have? To lock the human away until he becomes a shadow of himself? It was Pink who had the right to be sad, Pink who had the right to cry. It was Pink who will be left with nothing in the end. 

Pink unclenched his fists and got closer, he was still on his knees. Steven just stared at him. The anger and the sadness all melted into one ugly feeling and it _hurt_. He mover even closer, looming over Steven. 

“Pink, I’m…” he said and fell silent. Pink needed to do something. So he did the only thing he thought would help him ease the pain. He bent down and kissed Steven. Steven didn’t turn away, and Pink pressed closer, trying and failing to capture the calm state. He couldn’t let go. He wanted more. 

Pink put his hand on Steven’s stomach, making him freeze up. His fingers slid under the t-shirt, tracing the smooth, warm skin, moving up, then down while he continued the kiss. Steven wasn’t moving away, but he wasn’t responding either. That made Pink even angrier. Steven didn’t want Pink anymore, not after everything Pink said. But he will see about that. Pink flattened his hand on the soft skin and then squeezed. Steven flinched, but didn’t do more than that. Pink felt himself calm down a little. Steven _belonged_ to him. At least for the moment, Steven was completely his. 

Pink remembered how he touched Steven’s cock. How good it felt to have it in his mouth. He moved his hand to Steven’s right knee and pressed, opening him up. Steven tensed, but let him. Then Pink pressed his hand between Steven’s legs. The human twitched and made a noise into the kiss. Pink moved his hand, massaging, pressing gently, like he learnt from the recording from the Zoo, like he did the first time, when Steven was asleep and laid out before him. Steven’s body trembled slightly beneath his touch. Pink felt his anger slowly easing. He could touch Steven all he wanted now, he could make him feel so good. Steven will want him again. And, surely enough, his cock started to harden. Steven liked it too. The anger was gone now, but Pink still felt the pain curled up inside. It seemed like nothing could help him with that. 

Then Steven turned his head away suddenly, breaking the kiss. Pink pulled back a bit, annoyed. Steven was still crying. Why was he crying? Pink was making him feel good. 

“Please,” Steven gasped. Pink squeezed his half-hard cock in answer. Steven shook harder. Something was… off. It seemed like Steven wanted to say something, but couldn’t find words. He was breathing frantically and hiccupping, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Pink frowned and asked, “What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t w-want to,” Steven said in a trembling voice. 

Pink didn’t understand. He felt good, why was he crying? He didn’t want to feel good? He didn’t want Pink to make him feel good? It was confusing. He drew his hand back anyway. If for some reason Steven didn’t want this, then so be it. Only then did Pink remember about consent. Was that what this was about? 

“Let me go,” Steven said quietly. He looked… scared? Pink didn’t expect that. He was sure he was making both of them feel good. Was it about him not asking for permission first? What made Steven look at him like that? Was it because he shouted? That would make sense. 

He moved back, getting off of Steven. The human turned to his side, drawing his knees up, still shaking, trying to calm his breath. Pink felt guilty, and that was ridiculous. He was making both of them feel good. Wasn’t he? Apparently, he wasn’t. He hurt Steven instead. It seemed like Pink did that best. 

“Steven?” he tried. 

“Don’t touch me,” Steven answered. He was pressing his face into his knees, and his voice came out muffled. He was still breathing fast, that wasn’t good. Pink’s saliva was supposed to heal physical damage, if there was any. The damage wasn’t physical then. 

Pink spent some time staring at the back of Steven’s head, hoping he would talk to him. Steven’s breathing gradually calmed, but it seemed like he had no intention of talking to Pink any time soon. Pink lowered his gaze. He didn’t want Steven to leave. But he will. Pink shouldn’t have hurt him because he was angry about it. 

Pink tried to figure out what the best course of action in such a situation was. He had to look at the facts first. He shouted at Steven and kissed him without asking first. What could Pink do to make it better? His mind drew a blank. He didn’t mean to upset Steven. He just wanted to ease the pain and make both of them feel good. Pink didn’t know what he could do or say to convey that. So he continued to sit quietly and wait, hoping that Steven will want to talk at some point.


	17. Peridot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, this chapter was a struggle, it’s hard to edit when it’s so long. But I wanted to post it today. Anyway, enjoy!:3

Some time passed, and Steven managed to calm down and get up from the pillows. Without sparing a glance in Pink’s direction, Steven walked down the stairs to the bathroom. Pink didn’t stop him.  


Once he was safely inside, Steven felt a little better. He used the toilet, washed his hands and face, drank a bit. Then he looked at his reflection in the mirror. Steven was still pale, with puffy, red-rimmed eyes and a scared look on his face. No wonder he looked like that after what Pink just did.  


Steven breathed in and out a couple of times, trying to stop the anxiety from settling back in. He sat down on the floor and drew his knees up to his chest. He could still feel the ghost of Pink’s touch, possessive and uncaring. Pink was touching him like Steven was a sex toy, not a living being. He forced his touch on Steven. How many times did Steven have to explain to Pink that consent was crucial? What if he wouldn’t want to listen next time? Steven felt the bile rise in his throat and stopped these thoughts.  


Could Steven change him even, like he was planning to do before? Pink was seriously damaged by White and by the other Diamonds too it seemed like. Steven thought back to their conversation before Pink’s outburst. Pink sounded so angry and hurt when he talked about Yellow and Blue. And he was scared of losing control. Steven understood that all too well. Their powers could be destructive when not kept in check.  


Pink said that he was angry all the time. That… must be so awful, Steven didn’t even want to imagine experiencing that. It was also obvious that Pink felt completely lost. He didn’t know who he was supposed to be. The gem didn’t get any support or guidance from the Diamonds, the only family he had. Instead, they wanted him to live up to their expectations and be like the previous Pink Diamond at the same time. No wonder Pink couldn’t manage, that was impossible!  


Steven didn’t want to feel sympathy for Pink right now. But it looked like Pink, for all his stoic expressions and indifferent looks, was actually completely miserable. He had no one to open up to, no one to count on. No one but Steven. The gem was clinging to him like Steven was the only good thing in his life, and that could very well be true.  


And Steven wanted to leave him. Pink got angry with him because Steven wanted to go back to Earth. But it wasn’t his fault! Pink took Steven away from everyone who mattered to him and locked Steven in his Palace. What did he expect?! Steven couldn’t just forget everyone. It sucked that it happened to Pink, but that also wasn’t Steven’s fault. Was it?  


Steven couldn’t convince White. He failed, and both him and his gem had to bear the consequences of that failure. Could all the pain that his gem experienced be Steven’s fault? No, that couldn’t be true. It was _White’s_ fault. She separated them and took away Pink’s memories. Steven couldn’t protect Pink from her. He tried, he really did, but there was no way for him to get to Homeworld back then!  


Steven ran his hand through his hair and then pulled at it, frustrated. This was getting him nowhere. He still had no idea how to deal with Pink. Thinking about how miserable they both were definitely wasn’t helping.  


“Steven?” he heard from the other side of the door. Oh, no. Talking to him was the _last_ thing Steven wanted right now.  


“Are you alright?” Pink asked, his voice full of concern.  


After you kissed me and groped me without my consent? Steven thought to himself, but his only answer was, “Yeah, I’m okay.”  


He hoped that Pink wouldn’t try to walk into the room. Steven was still clinging to the ephemeral feeling of safety here.  


“You…” Pink started, then continued with much less confidence, “Are you planning to come out?”  


“No.”  


“Can I come in?”  


At least he was asking.  


“No.”  


Then there was silence. Steven closed his eyes. Yes, he knew that sooner or later he would have to come out. But right now Steven was enjoying the thought of staying in this bathroom until he fell asleep. Or got hungry. The fruits from the Zoo were filling, so that probably wouldn’t happen for a while.  


“Steven, I’m not…” Pink sounded absolutely miserable. Steven gripped his knees with his hands. No sympathy, not now, not after what he did. “I didn’t mean to, I didn’t…”  


Then he fell silent.  


“You want to apologize or something?” Steven asked. He felt exhaustion creeping up on him. It was so hard to deal with his gem sometimes.  


“Apologize?”  


God, Homeworld didn’t even have the concept of gems being sorry for something? Maybe it didn’t exist for the Diamonds. Being sorry meant you did something wrong, and the Diamonds were supposed to be “impeccable”. Yeah, right.  


How was Steven planning to change his gem if Pink didn’t even know how to apologize? And how could he be mad at him if Pink had no idea what he was doing and whether or not it was wrong? Did Steven get mad at Peridot when she made mistakes while adjusting to life on Earth? Did he blame her? No, of course not. He believed in her, he was there for her every step of the way. Didn’t his own gem deserve the same? Even after everything he had done.  


Steven sighed. Then got up, walked to the door and opened it.  


Pink was standing close to the door. He looked like he was about to cry again. He stood completely unmoving, and his gloved hands were clasped tightly together. Steven couldn’t help but feel bad for him.  


“You can apologize if you did something… wrong, or hurt someone,” Steven said. Pink’s tense posture relaxed slightly.  


“Yes, I want to… apologize,” he enunciated carefully. “How do I do that?”  


Steven was teaching his gem aka Diamond how to say sorry. That was his life now. For some reason he wasn’t surprised.  


“You can say ‘I’m sorry’.”  


“I’m sorry, Steven.”  


Steven looked into his pink eyes. Then sighed again.  


“Okay.”  


“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Pink added. Steven narrowed his eyes. It seemed like Pink didn’t know what exactly he did wrong. He decided to test his guess.  


“Why do you think I got upset, Pink?”  


The gem stiffened again, clearly caught off guard, and his pupils shrank suddenly. Steven flinched involuntarily.  


“Because I… shouted at you and didn’t ask for consent.”  


Steven had to get himself together and explain, right now. Later he won’t be bold enough to ever breach this topic.  


“You just…” Steven tried to find a comparison that Pink would understand. “You used my body as a mechanism. To make yourself feel better. I wasn’t even… I didn’t get to decide anything, I didn’t get a say in anything, you did what _you_ wanted. Like I don’t count at all.”  


It wasn’t easy to admit, but it was the truth. Steven looked at Pink to see if he understood. Pink looked puzzled. Of course he did.  


“But you enjoyed it.”  


“No, I _didn’t_ ,” Steven snapped, losing his patience. “Did I tell you I was enjoying it?”  


Pink’s stare shifted lower for a moment.  


“But your co—”  


“That’s a physical reaction, okay?!” Steven shouted, throwing his hands up. “The most important thing is what I’m _thinking!_ ”  


Pink looked bewildered. Steven was so annoyed. Why couldn’t he understand already?  


“I never know what you’re thinking,” Pink said.  


“That’s why you have to _ask!_ We have to communicate, that’s the idea of consent! I don’t know what you’re thinking either, and when you start… doing something, and I can’t stop you, I’m… I mean…” Steven’s voice got quieter, and then he fell silent altogether. He lowered his gaze, fighting the urge to go back to the bathroom and stay there.  


“I’m sorry, Steven,” Pink said, matching Steven’s quiet tone. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”  


Steven breathed out, then rubbed at his face. This day was so long, it felt like it was never going to end. Steven really didn’t want to talk more about what happened. Ever.  


“I’ll make a list of things that I want to have for Agate and her group,” Steven said finally. “And I want to have some extra fruits from the Zoo.”  


*  


Pink brought him the fruits. Steven made the list and Pink sent it to Agate. There was a tension between them now. Steven was actually thinking about staying in the bathroom again for some time. Pink didn’t plan on going anywhere evidently. He just sat on the pillows and looked at Steven with guilt written all over his face, and Steven was tired of that. He wanted to tell his gem just how tired he was, when Pink suggested that Steven meets Peridot. Steven looked at him with suspicion.  


“You mean… Peridot from Earth?” Steven asked cautiously.  


Pink nodded. That… wasn’t what Steven was expecting.  


“I thought you’d be against us meeting?”  


“You want to meet with her.”  


That wasn’t a question, but Steven nodded anyway.  


“Then you’ll meet with her,” Pink answered calmly. He didn’t show any emotion on his face. Steven had no idea what he was thinking about.  


“Only if you let us talk alone,” Steven said. Pink’s face stayed blank. Steven was suddenly nervous.  


“Alright,” the gem said.  


“Really?” Steven exclaimed, starting to smile. Pink smiled as well. It was real then. God, Steven will meet with Peridot, finally someone who _understands!_  


“I will send for her,” Pink said, getting up. He always moved so gracefully, Steven liked to watch him. Pink floated down and left the room.  


Steven couldn’t stop smiling. He will see someone from home! Not the gems who looked at him like he was an exotic animal. Peridot didn’t need explanations or pretenses, he didn’t have to be on his guard with her. Steven missed that so, so much.  


He walked down the stairs to the door, humming something under his breath. Steven wanted to sing, for the first time since he got to Homeworld. Time was moving slow, but then the door finally opened.  


“And you don’t—” Peridot was saying to her Jasper guard, and then she turned and saw him.  


“Steven!” she exclaimed at the same moment as Steven said, “Peridot!”  


She raced to him and hugged him fiercely. Steven’s breath was knocked out of him with the force of it, but he happily hugged back. Jasper looked like she was ready to drag Peridot away, so Steven said, “Jasper, you can wait outside.”  


Jasper looked at him for a moment and then complied. Steven felt relief wash over him when they were finally left alone.  


Peridot pulled back to look him in the face. Steven wiped away the tears that came with the joy of seeing her, unharmed and unchanged.  


“I missed you so much,” he said. The emotions (and Peridot) were kind of suffocating him, but he didn’t mind. He was so happy to see her.  


“Me too,” Peridot answered. “I didn’t know if you were okay, every piece of information pointed to that, but your gem…” she fell silent, frowning, and then asked, “What’s our plan?”  


“Plan?” Steven repeated.  


“Yes, Steven, plan!” Peridot exclaimed, taking a step back. “We don’t have much time, your gem could be back any second—”  


“Actually, I don’t think he will be back any time soon,” Steven interrupted.  


She looked at him in confusion.  


“I asked him to leave us alone,” Steven explained.  


“Perfect!” Peridot smiled, and Steven smiled back. He forgot the last time he felt such joy when seeing another gem. “He won’t be a problem then,” she continued. “So how are we getting you out of here?”  


Oh. That was what she meant. She looked so hopeful, she was almost jumping in place from excitement, and Steven felt his own joy die down a bit. He stopped smiling. He didn’t want to destroy her hope. But he had no choice.  


“Peridot, I’m, uh, I’m not…” He had to get himself together and say it. “I wasn’t planning on trying to escape.”  


There was silence for a moment, and then Peridot shouted, “ _What?!_ ”  


Steven cringed. “How do you expect me to pull it off? I’m human now. I can’t even open a door, not to mention piloting a ship.”  


“I could open doors and pilot for you,” she said in a flat voice.  


Steven shook his head. “There are hundreds of gems and gem guards in the Palace. We wouldn’t be able to get out of this room unnoticed.” Peridot opened her mouth, likely to contradict him again. Steven continued firmly, “And even if we manage to steal a ship, then what? Where would we go? Back to Earth? So that Pink could come and get me again, only with more destruction this time?”  


Steven was getting angry, but seeing the hurt, lost expression on Peridot’s face made him pause. He sighed and said quietly, “Pink won’t let me go, Peri. He will find me if I try to do anything. But… I have another plan.”  


She looked tentatively hopeful again.  


“Let’s go up and talk.” 

They walked up the stairs and settled themselves on the pillows. Now she didn’t have to crane her neck to look Steven in the face. Steven told her about his plan to change Pink. It wasn’t the best plan, but it was their only option. Peridot didn’t like it much.  


“If White removed all his memories, then he’s operating on the remaining basic commands, general ideas and White’s explanations,” Peridot said, brow furrowing. “How can he function as well as he does? Did she not touch all the necessary data for behavior? She must have. I wish I knew what was left in his head after that. And you think you can turn him back into your gem?” she asked, looking doubtful.  


“Not exactly. He said that the memories will never be recovered, because White herself did the removal.”  


Steven didn’t feel comfortable sharing Pink’s personal stuff with Peridot. But he needed her support, especially after what happened some hours ago. He needed hope too, badly.  


“So I want to teach him how to be a good gem. Like the Crystal gems.”  


“A Diamond as a Crystal gem,” Peridot snorted, and Steven answered sharply, “I did change you.”  


“Well, yes, but—”  


“I convinced Yellow and Blue. And Pink, he’s… not bad. Whatever happened to him, he’s still my gem. And I want to help him.”  


He looked at Peridot. She looked back, her expression unexpectedly soft.  


“Of course you do. You’re Steven.”  


Steven smiled a bit shakily and opened his arms for a hug. Peridot accepted it.  


“I miss everyone so much,” Steven whispered.  


“Yeah, me too.”  


“I wonder how they’re doing…”  


“Probably trying to find a way to fly here on a ship with no thrusters,” Peridot snickered, but her voice was gentle.  


She pulled back and for some time they just sat there, side by side, each with their own memories. Earth seemed almost like a dream to Steven now, with everything that happened to him here. It hurt. How long had Steven been on Homeworld even? He decided to ask Peridot.  


“Ten days,” she answered, looking thoughtful.  


“I really need some kind of clock, you know,” Steven tried to keep his tone light, but it didn’t work.  


“A group of my fellow gems are on the task of designing different devices for you. The blueprints are all mine, by the way,” Peridot said with a touch of pride.  


“Was it your idea to put a button on the toothbrush?” Steven asked, smiling.  


“Not everything was going according to the plan,” she muttered, and Steven laughed. “It seemed like a sound idea at the moment, and then I didn’t have time to look at it again, because we were all busy constructing a bathroom for you. I am fully aware of how badly you need one,” she finished with a smug expression.  


“Well thank you then, great engineer Peridot, for not letting me die from being unable to go to the toilet,” Steven said solemnly, and then they both laughed.  


Steven missed that so much. Joking and laughing. He had no need to watch his words now, he didn’t need to explain anything or convince anyone. He wasn’t locked up alone. Steven was getting some much needed rest in company of Peridot. And it almost felt like home.  


“I’m so glad Pink suggested we meet,” he said, still smiling.  


“ _He_ suggested that?” she asked incredulously.  


“Yeah, I was surprised too. I thought he wouldn’t be thrilled about our meeting, and he wasn’t I think, but he went through with it.”  


“How does he treat you?” she asked suddenly, and Steven’s face fell. His thoughts went back to Pink’s angry outburst and to what happened… afterwards. Steven lowered his gaze, trying to look normal and sound normal when he said, “Alright, he treats me alright!”  


“What the hell did he _do?_ ” Peridot snapped. Steven looked at her, he was ready to say that no, of course everything was fine, Pink was… He was… But Steven couldn’t tell her a convincing enough lie, not when he still felt unpleasant memories and sensations clinging to him like spiders.  


“I’ll deal with him then,” Peridot said, getting up. She looked determined.  


“What? No, wait, Peridot, what are you doing?”  


“He hurt you, Steven! And I won’t let him hurt you more!” she exclaimed, frustrated.  


A hundred scenarios played in his head then, and in all of them Peridot ended up getting hurt, or _worse_. He remembered bright, glowing eyes with diamond pupils. Steven had to stop her, now. How? Why couldn’t he think clearly? Why couldn’t he come up with a solution? He had to do it, right now! He was supposed to be good at calming gems! Steven felt his heart hammering in his chest, his palms and armpits were sweaty.  


“And what are you planning to do exactly?” he asked, trying to stay calm.  


“I don’t know, something! Not leave you here with him, that’s for sure!” she said, curling her hands into fists.  


Steven knew how fearless she was, how reckless. He remembered how Peridot attacked Blue Diamond four years ago, how she ended up poofed by Yellow. It was so scary. He was so scared then. He was so scared _now_.  


Everything was suddenly too much. The reality around him smeared, like someone put paint on canvas and dragged their hands across it before letting the colors dry properly. His thoughts were too fast for Steven to catch up with, all flying into nothing. There were so many possibilities for Peridot to get hurt. She was willing to challenge Pink Diamond for him. If she gets hurt, it will be _on Steven_. And he wouldn’t be able to protect her, just like he wasn’t able to protect himself. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.  


Steven felt someone’s hand on his shoulder then. He was thrown back into reality violently. He jerked back, eyes focusing on Pink. What was he doing here? The gem didn’t let go of Steven’s shoulder. He was saying something.  


“You’re going to be okay, Steven, you’re okay, I’m here.” His pupils were like pinpricks and his touch was almost painfully tight.  


Steven took one breath, then another. He was still sitting on the pillows, and Pink was sitting beside him. Steven’s whole body was shaking.  


“Did she hurt you?” Pink asked, and for a moment Steven had no idea who he was talking about. Then he remembered about Peridot. His eyes darted frantically around the room and found her, laying on the pillows not far from them, glaring at Pink. Pink must have used his power on her, one of his hands was outstretched towards her.  


“Of course I didn’t, you cl—”  


“Let her go!” Steven cried out, interrupting her.  


“What happened?” Pink asked. Steven couldn’t take his eyes off Peridot. Was she hurt? She didn’t look hurt. Steven looked into the eyes of his gem and asked again, “Please, Pink, let her go.”  


He was ready to beg. Pink looked at him for a moment, then released his hold on Peridot and let go of Steven’s shoulder. Steven was at Peridot’s side at once.  


“Peri? Are you okay?”  


“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she grumbled, getting up and wincing. Then she added with untamed anger, “I told you he’s an asshole.”  


“ _What happened?_ ” Pink asked in a cold, commanding voice, and Steven flinched. He was standing so close. Peridot took a step forward, getting between him and Pink. Steven felt like his legs would give out under him if he tried to get up, so he remained sitting.  


“Don’t you dare come closer,” Peridot all but hissed. Steven was ready to panic again. What was she _doing?_ But Pink looked merely surprised. He wasn’t angry. Yet.  


“You did something to him, not me,” he noted. Peridot didn’t move.  


“Right, so am I wrong or is Steven terrified of you?” she snapped acidly. Steven wanted to interrupt her, but his throat was dry and his thoughts were colliding into one big mess. He was trying to take deep breaths.  


Pink looked at Steven, not answering her. Then he said, clearly annoyed, “So none of you will explain what happened?”  


“Steven had a panic attack,” Peridot said after a moment of silence.  


“What does that mean?”  


“It means that when he’s stressed or frightened, his body shuts down on processing information from the outside world,” Peridot answered. Steven had no idea she knew about that. A strange expression appeared on Pink’s face then, like he was infuriated and scared at the same time.  


“And _you_ made him experience that?” Pink hissed. Something icy cold settled itself in Steven’s stomach. Now Pink was definitely angry.  


“Thinking about _you_ made him experience that!” Peridot snapped back. Steven couldn’t take it anymore.  


“Stop it, both of you!” he said, and both gems looked at him. “Peridot, I think you should go now.”  


“I’m not leaving you alone with him,” she said, looking determined. God, why was she so stubborn? Steven had been alone with Pink for days now, and he was still alive!  


“I can deal with my own gem, Peri.”  


“Is he even—”  


“Quiet, Peridot,” Pink interrupted, still looking angry. “You’ve been dismissed. You will go back to your quarters now.”  


Peridot looked at him. And stayed where she was. Her hands were still curled into fists and she was trembling slightly. Steven didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what else he could say. But he was supposed to be the peacemaker, right?  


“Are you defying my orders?” Pink asked, eyes narrowed in warning. He looked taller now, commanding, glowing bright, a true Diamond. Steven felt dread pool inside him. He wondered if it was possible to have another panic attack so close to the first one.  


Pink lifted his hand in a smooth motion, and a diamond shaped shard of his shield appeared close to it, thin and smooth and deadly. Peridot stood firm.  


“Pink, please!” Steven cried out desperately. He didn’t want all of this to happen, why was it happening? Steven couldn’t bear the thought of Pink hurting Peridot. His gem looked at him. For a couple of moments, everything was still. Steven’s heart was beating fast, his breath was frantic, his hands clenched painfully tight.  


Then Pink lowered his hand. The shard disappeared. With a flick of his wrist, Pink summoned an uneven pink sphere that closed around Peridot. She banged at it furiously, but the sphere floated up and off the platform, heading for the door. Pink Pearl was standing close to it, Steven noticed her presence only now.  


“Pearl, make sure Peridot gets to her quarters… safely,” Pink said in that same commanding tone.  


“Yes, my Diamond.”  


Then they both disappeared behind the door. The silence they left after themselves was deafening. Steven had no idea what to do or say. This meeting was a disaster. He was still shaking.  


“Can I come closer?” Pink asked with a touch of uncertainty. Steven nodded without looking up. An image crossed his mind, of Pink standing before Peridot with a cold, calculating look in his eyes. He was thinking about where to hit her, Steven thought and shuddered.  


“Steven? Are you okay? It’s not a… panic attack?” Pink asked, settling himself next to Steven. Pink didn’t touch him, and Steven was grateful for that. He didn’t know how he would react to Pink’s touch right now.  


“No, I’m… I’m going to be okay,” his voice came out weaker and quieter than he expected. He looked at his gem. Pink had no qualms about attacking a gem that didn’t obey him. That was really scary. What else was his gem capable of?  


“Pink, you don’t shatter gems, do you?” Steven made himself ask. He didn’t want to think about it, but he had to ask after what had happened. He had to make sure Pink wasn’t hurting ( _hadn’t already hurt_ ) anybody.  


“What do you mean?” Pink asked. He shifted closer and frowned when Steven flinched back. His lips pressed into a thin line.  


“I mean…” Steven had to phrase his question right. “During the time you spent on Homeworld, did you ever… shatter anyone?” his voice fell almost to a whisper. Steven felt the silence that followed his question like it was lead, pressing on him unbearably. He wanted to cry.  


“No,” his gem said at last, and Steven released the breath he didn’t know he was holding.  


“Thank God.” He looked at Pink and continued, “Don’t ever shatter anyone.”  


Pink’s expression turned into a displeased scowl. “If a gem disobeys my order or attacks me, I need to be able to react accordingly.”  


Steven swallowed his fear and reached for his gloved hand, squeezing it.  


“You can disrupt their physical form, but not the gem, you hear me? Never the gem.” The words were tumbling out of him gracelessly, he was so desperate to be heard, to be believed. “We don’t shatter gems, it’s not… it’s not right, please, promise me you won’t shatter anyone!”  


Pink was looking at him with an intense, seeking stare. Steven didn’t know what else he could say. He felt ready to cry.  


“Alright,” Pink said after a moment, and Steven breathed out, relaxing his grip on Pink’s hand. The knot of worry inside of him eased a little.  


“Thank you.”  


They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Then Pink spoke again.  


“Panic attacks. Are they dangerous?” he asked. Steven blinked.  


“Uh, no, not really.”  


“Do they hurt?”  


“I mean, not really, but it’s… hard to explain,” Steven mumbled, not knowing how to answer that question.  


Pink took Steven’s hand, still laying on his own, and brought it to his lips for a kiss. A tingling, warm sensation went through Steven’s body and he relaxed, closing his eyes for a moment. All physical remnants of the terror he experienced disappeared. He sighed contentedly.  


“Thanks, Pink.”  


“You’re not hurt anymore?”  


“No.”  


“That’s good.”


	18. Fusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I need to mention for this chapter is how Pink perceives time. I don’t write “a minute/hour/month passed” from his point of view because gems in my story don’t use that system. For them it’s kind of all the same because they live for so long, and they don’t differentiate that much between one year and one month, for example. So I just wanted to clarify that around a month had passed since Steven met with Peridot.  
> 

“Do you want me to sing something for you?”  


Pink looked up from the report that he was dealing with. Steven sat cross-legged near the wall, playing a melody on his “ukulele”. Some time had passed since the incident with Peridot, and Steven got bolder with Pink again, which was a relief. They came back from a lazy stroll around the Palace not that long ago. They walked in a section that was mostly abandoned to avoid the rush and haste of the main halls. Pink had work to do, but looking at Steven’s excited expression, he put away the panel.  


“Alright,” he said, turning his full attention to Steven. The human blushed slightly. Pink looked from his flushed cheeks to his beautiful mouth. He wondered how it will look like when Steven starts singing. He had never heard him do that before.  


“Okay, great,” Steven smiled, a bit nervously. He started playing some simple, nice melody. Pink didn’t get how an instrument so small and primitive could make such pleasant noises under Steven’s touch.  


And then Steven started singing, and Pink lost this thought. The song was soft and sweet. Steven’s gentle voice weaved together with the melody to create such an alluring experience that Pink seemed to lose himself in it. The sensation was overwhelming. The reality grayed and fell away, leaving only the sound and the sight of Steven, strumming the instrument softly, singing and looking at Pink. Nothing else was present anymore, nothing else mattered.  


Pink felt a new, strange desire to press closer, to unite, to become one with the song, to _feel_ Steven’s voice inside and around him. Without any conscious intention, Pink reached out his hands for the human, unable to look away. He wished for something, but what exactly was it?  


The song ended abruptly, and Pink let out a small whine, disappointed.  


“Pink?” Steven called for him, and the reality came rushing back. Pink felt his form shiver, his gem pulsated once, twice, then seemed to calm down. The feeling was still there. What was it? A desire to be closer. A desire to **unite**.  


The realization was instantaneous and horrifying. Pink wanted to _**fuse**_ with Steven.  


“Are you okay?” he heard Steven’s voice. Pink lowered his hands, looking at them as if seeing them for the first time in his existence. Why was he feeling like this? Why was he thinking this?  


Pink got up and floated down to the door without looking in Steven’s direction. He was too afraid of what Steven might discover if he looked Pink in the eye.  


“Wait, Pink, what’s happening? Did I do somethi—”  


Then the door closed after him. Pink started walking without any clear destination in mind. He needed to get away from Steven and from his thoughts. Pearl was following him through long corridors like a silent shadow.  


Of course Pink was aware that at some point him and Steven were a fusion. But he didn’t have any memories of that time, so it was just a concept, distant and cold, like a fact. Until now. He had never had a thought of fusing with Steven before. Steven was a _human being_. Pink was a _Diamond_. He wasn’t supposed to fuse. He wasn’t supposed to have thoughts or urges connected to it. Yes, he was a part of Steven before, but that time was long gone, wasn’t it? Now Pink was himself, a Diamond in his own right, and he shouldn’t… He couldn’t have…  


His thoughts got so chaotic that Pink couldn’t even understand himself. He found himself suddenly in the lookout tower. He didn’t remember how he got here. Any gems that were there must have saluted him and left, but he didn’t notice that either. Pink walked towards the edge and looked out at Homeworld, but saw nothing, too caught up in his thoughts.  


How did this happen? How could such a thought have come to him? _Why_ did Pink think of fusing when Steven was singing? Pink didn’t know. He would really like to blame Steven for it. Did he suspect that singing would cause such a reaction from Pink? Did he count on it? No, that couldn’t be true. And there was nothing special about the song itself, but the way Steven sang to him made Pink feel special somehow. Like he _belonged_ with Steven.  


He had to stop. How could he look the other Diamonds in the eyes after having such thoughts? Blue suggested herself that they fuse with Steven, she would be ecstatic if she knew what kind of thoughts Pink had. Yellow… he had no idea what Yellow would think. And White… Pink felt hollow threads of fear clinging to him, his gem was cold and very heavy in his form, pulling, twitching like a wound. White would be enraged. White couldn’t know about it, or she will do anything to take Steven away. No one could know.  


Pink had to keep all thoughts about fusion hidden. He could do that, couldn’t he? Pink tried to hide his emotions thorough his entire existence, and while he wasn’t perfect at it, he still considered himself to be quite good.  


Now, that was a plan. Pink knew what he should do now. He had everything under control. Pink felt the anxious flow of his thoughts settle. The fear eased. His gem stopped pulsating painfully. The only complication left was finding a way to explain his strange behavior to Steven without mentioning fusion. Pink didn’t know how to accomplish that without lying, and he didn’t want to lie. He would be no better than the other Diamonds then.  


Pink spent some more time mulling over some thoughts and ideas. He settled with the simplest and most truthful one. Feeling in control again, Pink walked back to his chamber. Steven was waiting for him right at the door, face set in a scowl, eyes bright and angry.  


“Pink, what the hell happened? Why did you just leave like that?” he said in a low voice.  


Pink picked his words carefully before answering.  


“Something… happened while I was listening to your song, Steven. Emotions that I didn’t expect appeared and I didn’t know how to deal with them.”  


Some of Steven’s frustration turned into worry then.  


“What were they?” he asked.  


“I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about that,” Pink answered truthfully. He didn’t think he would ever be ready to talk about that.  


“Oh,” Steven said. Pink saw clear disappointment on his face. “But… are you okay?”  


“Now I am,” Pink nodded. “I just needed to spend some time by myself.”  


He did calm down after he came up with the plan of not speaking to anyone about his fusion thoughts ever. It was a solid plan.  


“Okay then,” Steven said, looking doubtful. At least he didn’t look angry anymore. “But don’t just leave like that again. You made me worried, and you know I can’t follow you.”  


“I won’t leave without an explanation again,” Pink promised. “Can we… sit together?”  


Pink wanted to be close to Steven in a comfortable, safe way. All of his worries bled away when he touched the human.  


“Okay,” Steven said, smiling hesitantly. Pink smiled back, feeling relief wash over him. Steven wasn’t upset and Pink didn’t have to tell him about the strange feelings that still didn’t want to go away.  


*  


He never told Steven about his strange thoughts and desires, although he still felt a nostalgic twinge of them once in a while. Steven didn’t press it, and Pink was glad. He had a lot to deal with right now. The ceremony was getting closer and closer. Soon the final preparations will have to be made. Pink felt irritated, angry and anxious whenever he thought about it. Pink had no desire go to the ceremony, and there was a single reason why. White will be there. They hadn’t spoken again after their fight over Steven, and Pink was glad. When Pink thought about her, his hands clenched into fists on their own accord. The fury was burning, and the air turned hot around him. White Diamond _hurt his Steven. **How dared she?**_  


And how could Pink bear to listen to White congratulating him during the ceremony, if he could barely endure the thought of her? He’d rather shatter to pieces than smile the cheerful smiles everyone expected from him. Yellow and Blue will be right by White’s side, tall and self-assured, and thinking about it made his gem feel small and so hot it was almost unbearable. Pink could picture himself, sitting on his throne, smiling at the guests, the other Diamonds leering, because they had complete control over him. Pink was small, and alone, and powerless.  


But then he thought about Steven. Steven didn’t make Pink feel weak. Steven made Pink feel like he was capable, like he had the right to be the Diamond he was. Like he was finally enough. And so it was only natural that at some point a thought occurred to Pink. He began pondering over the possibility of having Steven by his side during the ceremony. Pink could pretend for everyone, if he knew there was one person in the throne room that accepted him without all the pretenses.  


But getting Steven to the biggest ceremony the Diamonds could have would be anything but easy. Pink would surely have to talk to White, and she won’t be pleased. Pink didn’t want to draw her attention to Steven. That will not end well. Another fight with her will definitely not end well either. But he couldn’t do it alone. Pink knew his limits, and they were right here. He looked at the human sleeping peacefully close to him. Pink felt his worry and anger dissipate then. He wanted Steven by his side during the ceremony. He wanted Steven by his side always.  


So he made a polite request to Yellow Diamond, as she was the head of the preparations for the ceremony, and told her that he wants Steven in the throne room. The answer was almost immediate.  


“White wants to see you. Good luck.”  


White didn’t even write to Pink herself. He clenched his fists. If that’s how it’s going to be, fine. He could talk to her. Pink made her cave once. He could do it again.  


Pink didn’t remember how he got to White’s reception room. The giant door opened before him.  


“Pink, darling!” White greeted, her fake smile firmly in place. She was tapping the armrest of her throne with her nails. He thought about how it must have felt to be plucked out of Steven’s body by them and felt suddenly dizzy. Pink quickly shook off the sensation. Now was not the time.  


“White,” he said, taking some steps towards her. He could do this. He had to do this.  


“I got a ridiculous request from Yellow to allow the attendance of your… _organic_ during our ceremony.” So she decided not to bother with unnecessary pleasantries. That was good. Pink didn’t know how long he could hold on to his anger, but when he was angry, he was bold. He had to make it work. He had to be strong.  


“She must have made a mistake,” White continued. “You realize that—”  


“No,” Pink interrupted. White grimaced. Her hand gripped the armrest tightly. Pink heard the sound of the cracking stone. White hated being interrupted. “There is no mistake. I want Steven to attend the ceremony.”  


She smiled again then, cloyingly sweet. “Pink, my starlight, I hate to say it, but our ceremony can be attended only by _gems_.”  


“It celebrates _me_. And I want Steven to be present,” Pink said his name again, seeing how White’s face scrunched up in disgust.  


Looking at her, Pink realized all of a sudden that she couldn’t hurt him. She could control him all she wanted, but she couldn’t make him go to the ceremony like that, washed out to white, smiling as fake as she did. What would Pink’s court think then? White was the one who cared most about keeping up appearances, after all.  


She couldn’t manipulate him, and he wasn’t scared of her. Pink wasn’t afraid of White Diamond anymore. He felt almost elated upon realizing it. His anger was gone, and his gem felt warm and comfortable and _right_.  


“Do you even understand what you’re talking about?” White asked, her smile gone, her tone low and dangerous.  


She thought Pink would listen to her like a good, obedient Diamond? She won’t be seeing that anymore. Not after Steven told him that White separated them. That’s when Pink realized one thing that changed his attitude towards her. He realized that White Diamond wasn’t perfect, that her word wasn’t an absolute, unbreakable law.  


“To bring an _organic_ to the ceremony! You might as well start shattering gems in your court without looking. The organic’s yours, that is correct. But your court is in your keep too, Pink. What will they say when they see what you dragged along to our most sacred ceremony? What manner of thought do you want to put out there for the whole Empire to see? Such a selfish little Diamond you are, Pink. Is that the way to begin your rule as a matriarch? I will _**not**_ let that happen.” She finished with an air of finality.  


It could have swayed Pink, if he still thought her opinion mattered before everything else. It could have swayed him, if he put his court before Steven. But nothing came before Steven for Pink now. He started to smile.  


“Then I am sad to inform you that I cannot attend the ceremony,” Pink said in his best despondent voice and watched with great amount of satisfaction as White opened her mouth, shocked. Complete silence hung between them for some moments.  


“You... You can’t...” She couldn’t find words. Pink wanted to laugh. “What are you even saying? You have no right to make such claims.”  


Pink lifted an eyebrow. “I’m going to play by your rules, White, as long as you play by mine. What will my gems say when their Diamond doesn’t attend the ceremony? I’m sure this is not a kind of message you want to put out for the Empire to see.”  


She kept staring at him as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. But well, Pink was done with his speech now. He turned around and headed back the way he came. He stopped at the door to add, “Steven will be wearing my colors.”  


“This conversation is not over yet.” Her voice was full of stifled rage. It didn’t put a cold sense of fear inside of him anymore.  


“I’m a Diamond too, White,” he said with as much confidence as he could muster. He will make her understand. “And I’m _**not**_ her. I think it’s time for you to realize that.”  


*  


Instead of heading back to his chamber, Pink went to his ablution chamber. He needed some time to settle and think about what just happened and what it meant. Leaving Pearl outside, he filled the chamber with water and steam and let his form shiver in the aftermath of all the emotions from his confrontation. He was so scared that their conversation won’t lead to anything. He was so afraid White would make him surrender Steven. But Pink didn’t let anything of the sort happen. He felt almost euphoric. He made a stand. And he could take Steven to the ceremony now. Pink won’t be getting through it alone.  


But more important than that was the realization that _he wasn’t helpless anymore._ He felt strong, and capable, and he used to feel that way only with Steven, but right now… He laughed, and the sound reverberated, coming back to him. When he laughed, his voice reminded him of Steven’s voice. Pink twirled around in the room, the water splashed and he laughed. Maybe he wasn’t the best Diamond, but he was better than White, and that was something. He should start thinking more about his court, White was right about that. But if these gems didn’t accept his Steven, Pink didn’t need them.  


He kept twirling around in the chamber for some time, humming softly. His first true victory. Pink was happy.  


*  


When Pink came back to his chamber, Steven wasn’t sleeping anymore. He was sitting on the pillows and munching on a fruit with a pensive look on his face. Pink floated up to him, still full of joy. Steven looked at him and his eyebrows drew up.  


“Pink?”  


“Yes, Steven?”  


“You look… happy,” he said. “Did something happen?”  


“Yes. You can attend the ceremony with me now,” Pink smiled. He wanted to dance. He had never wanted that before.  


“Oh, um, okay. Won’t all your gems be there?”  


Pink nodded, then floated up gently and twirled in the air, humming softly. Steven looked at him with his mouth open.  


“Wow, uh…”  


Pink did a simple dance move in the air. He could dance perfectly well, even if he was a bit stiff with his movements.  


“You seem really happy that I’m going to be there with you,” Steven said. Pink looked at him and found that Steven’s face was red and he looked at Pink as if he was mesmerized by him. He liked that look. Pink extended his hand in a smooth motion, still floating above the pillows.  


“Will you dance with me, Steven?” he asked softly. Steven looked unsure. He put the fruit down on the pillow and carefully accepted Pink’s hand.  


“Okay,” he said, and it sounded almost like a question. Pink pulled Steven towards him then, and Steven froze in his embrace. Pink floated them gently down to the flat space near the door.  


“Wouldn’t be comfortable to do it on the pillows,” Pink giggled. Steven stared. Pink started leading him into a simple dance. One step, then another, a soft twirl.  


“You’re squeezing me too hard,” Steven said, and Pink relaxed his grip on Steven’s waist.  


Gradually, Steven relaxed into it, but there was still something tense, stilted in his movements. He learned fast, getting used to the rhythm and the flow. Soon, with Pink’s guidance, the dance became more advanced. They were so close, and Pink could see the reflection of his light in Steven’s dark eyes. He loved it. He twirled Steven unexpectedly, and Steven laughed.  


They continued with their small dance. Steven didn’t look scared, even though they were close, Pink liked that. He couldn’t stop smiling. Yes, dancing was infinitely more fun when Pink was doing it with Steven.


	19. The ceremony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I try to make as few changes as possible when describing Homeworld places that were shown in the original. One of the things I did change was having a door leading to the throne room instead of curtains. It was easier for me, and so I just wanted to mention that.  
> Also how does one describe dresses in English, it’s harder than writing smut:D  
> Now there is an amazing art at the end of the chapter made by the artist Benjin, here is the link to their vk group, you can go check it out if you want to:333 https://vk.com/benjaminyunchik

“The hem of the skirt should be further down—”  


“Definitely not. How will I walk in it then? I can’t just float around like you do,” Steven argued, looking the dress over. It was being sewn for him by Pebbles who appeared unexpectedly at Pink’s command. Steven wondered why Pink never summoned them before.  


It turned out that Pink liked stuff like frill and lace. _A lot_. Steven had to step in, because the dress was getting way too huge and fancy, and it looked very uncomfortable. Steven wanted something more plain. For some time, they were busy discussing the length of the dress (“It’s so beautiful, Steven, imagine how you will twirl in it!”, to what Steven answered, “I will not twirl during the ceremony, Pink.”), the amount of lace (“Not _that_ much, Pink.”) and the form of the dress (“Cut it out with the layers, why does it need to be so fluffy?”).  


Then Steven could try on the product of their combined efforts. It turned out a bit longer than Steven wanted. The inner layers of the skirt, some of which Pink simply refused to remove, were actually soft and comfortable. The skirt itself was a flowing, seamless thing, colored soft pink. The embroidered part on the chest that was Pink’s own design looked beautiful, and the short sleeves reminded Steven of Pink’s own dress.  


Steven tried to do a twirl, and the skirt fluttered and flowed beautifully. Okay, Pink was right about that at least.  


“Well, how do I look?” he asked, turning to Pink. The gem just kept staring at him intensely. Steven blushed and brushed the smooth, silky cloth of the skirt with his fingertips.  


“You…” Pink started and then fell silent. He looked at Steven as if he was completely enthralled by him. Steven blushed harder, but didn’t look away. Steven liked it when Pink looked at him like this. He would never say anything of the sort to Pink of course.  


“You look wonderful!” Pink exclaimed, then swept Steven into the air and spun him around, holding him by the waist.  


“My beautiful, my lovely Steven!” Pink continued, happiness and wonder clear in his voice, while Steven tried to get used to the sudden touch. A warm, pleasant sensation spread though him when Pink touched him. Steven let the sensation sink in. Pink wouldn’t hurt him. He didn’t have to be afraid.  


After a couple of moments, Pink put him down, looking guilty.  


“I didn’t ask for permission, I’m sorry,” he said without looking away from Steven. His diamond shaped pupils were large again.  


“It’s okay,” Steven said, then quickly added, “But next time ask first.”  


Pink nodded. His hands were still on Steven’s waist. They were very close. Steven felt a mix of anticipation, joy and want curl inside him. What was it that he wanted? He wasn’t sure.  


Pink still didn’t look away. His lips were parted slightly. The enthralled look didn’t leave his face. Steven giggled, it seemed like he bewitched his own gem somehow. Before he could change his mind, Steven leaned forward and kissed Pink’s parted lips. Pink didn’t move, but his gaze became more intense, his eyes shone brighter. It was like Steven was the only one who existed for Pink at this moment. Steven really liked that thought.  


“Steven,” Pink said quietly. Like only Steven mattered. Like he was worth all this attention. Steven closed his eyes and leaned forward again. The kiss was careful and slow, it felt almost like a beginning of something new in both of them. Pink didn’t try to do anything other than keep his hands on Steven’s waist, and Steven started to relax. Being close like this felt… nice. He could almost let go.  


A short, loud chime came from the door. Steven pulled away immediately, wiping at his mouth and looking away. He felt embarrassed and guilty, as if he was caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing.  


“My resplendent Diamond, Yellow Diamond sent a request for a meeting concerning the ceremony,” they heard Pearl say in a calm voice. Pink looked annoyed.  


“There is a high chance that I won’t be coming to see you for a while,” he said to Steven. “These are the final preparations, and I need to take part in every little thing.”  


“You can do it,” Steven said, smiling encouragingly. Pink’s expression lost some of its annoyance. He nodded, then turned and went out of the room. Steven was left alone again. He sighed. He was so tired of being here all by himself for hours.  


Steven went out on the balcony and looked at the square down below and at White’s ship. At least she won’t be at the ceremony. Steven shuddered at the mere thought of her. He leaned on the railing and stared in the distance, trying to keep his attention away from the overbearing ship. Why did it have to be so imposing?  


Steven missed being free. He missed the energy his life used to have, and he missed his family most of all. He felt so lonely and isolated. Now he had a small clock that Peridot constructed for him, but it didn’t make him feel better. He felt worse if anything. Every minute, every hour, every day spent on Homeworld meant the time he was spending far from the place where he was supposed to be. Where him and Pink were supposed to be.  


Steven’s thoughts went inevitably to their kiss. Why did he kiss Pink? Steven felt his face heat up. Why was he so drawn to Pink, even after everything he had done? Was it because Pink was his gem? Was it the effect of his isolation? Was he confusing his desire to fuse with romantic feelings? Steven didn’t think so. Looking at his gem, Steven couldn’t help but want to press closer for a kiss. He didn’t understand exactly why, but it felt nice, and warm, and _right_.  


Steven looked down at his dress. He wondered why the ceremony celebrating Pink’s return was held now, four years after his actual return. Maybe gems treated time differently. When you live for thousands of years, four years may seem like four months. And why was Steven attending that ceremony anyway? Why did Pink want him there so much? Steven didn’t know, but it seemed to make Pink really happy, so he went along with it.  


He himself didn’t want to be part of an event that celebrated the Diamonds and their ways of ruling. Steven tried to convince them that they were wrong and in the end he failed. Could he convince Pink now? Could he change him? Steven didn’t know. He succeeded somewhat, but Pink respecting Steven’s wishes to some extent seemed far from Pink challenging the ruling system on Homeworld. Well, Steven’s only option was to make an effort and hope for the best. He felt like he was trying to find his way through the darkest part of the woods in the dead of night, without any light or sense of direction. Steven felt lost. He didn’t really know what he was doing.  


I want to go home, Steven thought, longing and bitter. He stared up at the pink sky with distant stars glimmering here and there. He thought maybe he could see his own galaxy from here.  


*  


Pink warned Steven about not being able to see him, but Steven had no idea that he will be left alone for so long. Pink hadn’t visited him for a full week, and Steven began to worry. One or two times per day Jasper visited him and brought him the fruits. He tried to ask her what Pink was up to and got different versions of “he is busy with the ceremony” in response. Which Steven already knew. He tried sending messages to Pink through Jasper’s panel, but he barely answered them. Steven was simply dying of boredom.  


Three times during this week he was escorted on very uneventful walks through some secluded areas of the Palace. There was nothing there but never-ending columns and murals, so Steven entertained himself with looking out of the huge windows when there were any.  


One time he complained about his clothes getting dirty, and Jasper brought him a new set which included a pair of jeans, a pair of underwear and a t-shirt. Steven was glad. He didn’t want to wear the magnificent dress that Pebbles made. Steven laid it out carefully on the pillows a week ago and it was laying there still, untouched.  


The only good thing that happened during this unbearably long week was Steven getting his own panel. Finally, some form of entertainment! Jasper brought it to him on the fourth day, when Steven was ready to do anything just to get out of Pink’s room.  


Steven could write to Pink and Peridot using the panel. The first one usually responded with “still busy”, but Peridot was locked up just like Steven was, so they kept each other company.  


At some point, Steven asked Peridot if there were any gem books that could be translated to English for him to read. Her answering message wasn’t encouraging.  


“I’m sorry, Steven, but I don’t think this is going to work. Gems rarely store information in form of books. When they do, the information is of utmost importance and is therefore only available for high-ranking gems. Sadly, gems don’t write stories for entertainment. I could write you something though!”  


Steven imagined a passionate (if badly written) story about Pierre and Percy, and politely declined Peridot’s offer.  


They talked about everything. They discussed Camp Pining Hearts and how awful the last season was. They wondered if there were any new flavors of doughnuts in Big Doughnut and if Dewey was still working there. They talked about Lars’ amazing bakery and Peridot’s own installation that was supposed to take place around the time they left Earth. They threw suggestions about who was taking care of the flowers in the greenhouse. They joked silly jokes, and Steven unleashed all the puns he could think of on her. They remembered the sun and the sea. Both of them missed Earth so much. They tried to support each other in any way they could. They tried not to lose hope.  


Neither Steven nor Peridot ever breached the topic of Pink. Both of them knew that their conversations weren’t really private and could be easily read by anyone.  


*  


It was the middle of the seventh long, lonely day when Pink walked into the room and appeared suddenly by Steven’s side. Steven jumped to his feet. Did Pink just move faster than the eye could see? But there was no time for that thought.  


“Get dressed,” Pink said, voice tense. There was a lost kind of look in his eyes that Steven didn’t like one bit. Steven had so much to say to him, but now wasn’t the time. So Steven nodded, stripped to his underwear and put the dress on as fast as he could. On the back of the dress there was a lacing like on a corset. Steven couldn’t tighten it by himself.  


“Let me,” Pink said, stepping closer. Steven tensed, but in contrast to his stern tone, Pink’s touch was gentle. He did the lacing, then pressed closer unexpectedly, hugging Steven from behind, burying his face in Steven’s neck. Familiar warmth filled him, and Steven relaxed, breathing out. Pink’s form shuddered.  


“Pink?” Steven said quietly, putting his hand on the shining gloved one of his gem. At that moment Pink let him go, and Steven turned around.  


“We have to go now,” Pink said, and his voice sounded like an empty echo. Steven nodded firmly. It seemed like he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to attend this stupid ceremony. Steven wouldn’t leave Pink to deal with it alone. He was going to help as much as he could. Pink looked at him, and his expression softened. He extended his hand to Steven, and Steven accepted it, squeezing tightly. They will deal with this together.  


It wasn’t easy to move through the corridors of the Palace in a dress. At some point Pink let go of his hand, instructing Steven to always stay one step behind him. Of course, the propriety. Steven was glad now that the dress was long enough to cover his bare feet. The thought of asking for shoes didn’t even cross his mind, Steven was already used to walking around barefoot. Now there was no time.  


Pink walked really fast, and Steven had to jog lightly to keep up. He soon felt out of breath, and his arms started aching from holding the skirt of the dress up. At least all the corridors they went through were empty, Steven didn’t want other gems to stare at him on top of everything else.  


“Wait just a moment, Pink,” Steven said at some point. He couldn’t keep up anymore. Steven stopped, letting his hands fall and trying to catch his breath.  


“We don’t have time. We’re almost there,” Pink said, but he stopped and turned around. He looked Steven over.  


“I understand, just… I need a second.” Steven took a deep breath. His heart was beating fast, and not only from jogging. “What am I supposed to do there even?” he asked nervously, fiddling with the skirt.  


“You don’t need to do anything,” Pink answered impatiently. “You’ll sit by my throne. Don’t talk to anyone. Especially to White,” he finished, cringing.  


For a couple of moments Steven was silent.  


“Will White be there too?” he asked then. It came out as a whisper.  


“Steven, we have to go,” Pink said, touching his hand, and Steven took a step back.  


“Steven?”  


He felt cold terror curling deep inside, freezing him in place.  


“I… I can’t…”  


_**It’s time to come out, Pink.**_  


All the air was gone. Everything around him stilled. Steven felt himself lift his hand. It felt like lifting a slimy, dead creature from the bottom of the sea. He pressed his hand flat to his (empty, flat, useless) stomach.  


**She took him.**  


The thought filled him with dread. How was he still standing? Why wasn’t he dying on the ground? She took him, took his gem, it wasn’t supposed to happen, she took—  


Steven felt someone hug him and thought of her, how she was squeezing him like he was a chocolate bar, how she was going to **destroy him** — but no, the embrace felt warm. Steven realized he was shaking. He pressed into the warmth, it was so familiar, it _belonged to him_. It meant safety.  


The reality of the situation slowly crept back to him. White, the ceremony, they were going to be late…  


“I won’t let her hurt you again, I won’t let her, I’ll protect you, Steven, I was made to protect you,” Pink was saying right in his ear, squeezing him tightly, and Steven felt like he could breathe again. His heart was beating frantically in his chest and he was sweaty, even though he felt cold.  


“We’re gonna be late,” Steven said, and his voice sounded weak in his own ears. Pink pulled back, settling his hands on Steven’s shoulders, and looked at him with confidence that Steven didn’t possess right now.  


“I won’t let anyone hurt you.” His eyes shone bright pink, the diamond pupils sharp, his face unyielding. “Trust me, Steven.”  


Steven breathed out and nodded. He could do that. Trust Pink. Sit quietly through the ceremony with White and a ton of other gems for God knows how long. He could stay calm. Yeah, easy.  


He didn’t remember how they got to the giant doors where other gems were waiting for them. They started talking to Pink, explaining, showing some thing or other. Steven didn’t have the slightest idea what they were saying. Some of them sent Steven curious looks, but Steven just looked straight ahead, his face and his head empty. His heart wouldn’t calm down. His palms were still sweaty. Something heavy settled in his stomach.  


Too soon the final preparations were made, and the gems quieted down, stepping away from them. Steven looked at Pink, who stood one step away, tall and confident.  


The giant doors opened. It was too late to turn back now.  


The gems inside the throne room were all silent, saluting them. Pink Pearl, who was probably announcing their arrival, stepped away. Some kind of music was playing in the background. There were _so many_ gems, much more than there were on the ceremony Steven himself had four years ago. Steven felt nauseous and shaky from how nervous he was. And of course he looked ahead, where the thrones stood, even though he didn’t want to. His gaze was simply drawn there. Steven found that only Yellow and Blue were sitting on their respective thrones. White wasn’t here. Relief was so sharp that he felt weak in the knees.  


Steven turned his gaze to Pink, grounding himself. Pink lifted his hand and did some sort of gesture, like a wave. He did it with utmost grace, first to the right, then to the left. Steven was sure his gem was smiling a fake smile right now. Steven didn’t know if it was expected from him to smile too, but he wouldn’t have managed anyway. He would have probably started crying instead. So he continued staring at Pink’s back with a frozen expression on his face. Pink started moving forward, and Steven followed, remembering to keep his distance. Pink was going slowly now, and Steven concentrated on not stumbling or falling.  


The walk across the throne room was the longest in Steven’s life. At some point Steven looked at the Diamonds who were looking at Pink with matching proud smiles. They didn’t spare Steven a glance. Of course.  


Pink stopped abruptly and Steven, too focused on going forward, bumped right into him. The music stopped for a moment, and horrified gasps were heard from the crowd of gems at their backs. Steven shrank back. Pink turned to look at him with wide (scared?) eyes. Steven stepped back, almost stumbling, lifting the skirt of his dress, just as Yellow announced, “Pink Diamond is back!”  


The room exploded into applause. Pink turned around and did a complicated move, which was meant for the gems applauding him. Then he floated up and sat on his throne.  


Steven sat down close to the throne, leaning his back against it. He spent some time trying to calm his racing heart. He was okay. The only thing he had to do was to sit here. And no one will approach him, no one will hurt him. White wasn’t here.  


When he calmed down, Steven lifted his gaze, noticing what was going on around him for the first time. Different gems were going up to where the Diamonds sat, then saluted and bowed to Pink. There were _so many_ of them, here for the sole purpose of celebrating Pink and Homeworld. They celebrated their society and how they were destroying other worlds in their search for resources. So that more gems could be made and the cycle would repeat itself. Steven was angry and disappointed, sitting like a shiny toy at the foot of the throne. Did none of them understand that what they were doing was wrong? And how was Steven planning to change the system that was in place for thousands of years, if no one wanted to listen to him? But his only options were either to try to get them to listen or to give up completely. And he wasn’t ready to give up yet.  


The line of gems before Pink seemed to never end, and pretty soon Steven got bored with the repetitive routine. The ceremony was so miserable, so dull, like all the fun was sucked out of it on purpose.  


With having nothing better to do, he looked around again. The hall was just as he remembered it, huge, with columns and murals of hands, Diamond hands no doubt. Smooth walls glittered coldly and along them were huge screens that Steven didn’t notice at first. They were probably used to record the “historical” (and very boring) event, or maybe they broadcasted it everywhere in the Empire. These screens reminded him of the screen Peridot used back on Earth to contact Yellow Diamond. That seemed like an eternity ago now. Steven smiled, remembering Peridot’s defiance during that short talk, and how she was protecting Earth in the end, protecting them.  


Steven looked at the gems surrounding him. No matter how hard Steven tried, he couldn’t meet anyone’s gaze. He felt their curious stares on him when he wasn’t looking though. That was very annoying. Of course Steven was nothing but a curious creature for Homeworld gems. He doubted they even knew that Steven was just as intelligent as them. He was considered Pink’s pet, or maybe the Diamond’s strange whim. He gritted his teeth and remained seated, even though he wanted to rage and shout that _he was alive too!_ He was thinking and feeling too!  


After a while the line of bowing gems thinned and then came to an end. Steven sighed, relieved. Now the gems were supposed to dance, and then the ceremony will be over. But instead, it was silent for some time, like everything was put on a pause for some reason.  


And then the huge doors were thrown open. White Diamond was standing in the hall in all her glittering beauty. Steven froze. His body tensed, preparing to run at this same instant. He felt hot and cold all at once, preparing to jump into action right _now_ —  


But Pink said that he will protect him. Steven had to stay in place. Pink will protect him, he will protect him from her. Steven continued playing this thought in his head. Time stretched and dragged thickly, and then the gems in the hall erupted into applause. Steven flinched. White spread her arms wide in greeting. Steven tried to breathe in and failed. He tried again, clenching his hands into fists.  


“Welcome to the ceremony celebrating our dear Pink Diamond!”  


She wasn’t looking at him, but Steven couldn’t tear his eyes away from her wide smile and dark, glimmering nails. She started moving to the thrones where the other Diamonds were seated.  


_Breathe, Steven_.  


She only needed three enormously huge steps to reach them.  


_Breathe, damn it!_  


She stopped right in front of them. Steven felt like he was going to faint. White nodded first to Yellow, still smiling, then to Blue, and then she looked down at Pink. She smiled at him, and for a mere moment her cold, piercing gaze slid further down, fixing on Steven. His heart seemed to stop for a second and he was flooded with dread.  


Then she floated up and landed gracefully on her throne. Steven turned right after her, craning his neck, not taking his eyes off her nails. There he sat, completely frozen, unable to do anything, barely breathing.  


“We are so happy to welcome you all here!” she exclaimed. The gems broke out of their salutes and started applauding again. Steven would rather sit through ten of these ceremonies than listen to her. But her voice was inescapable, _she_ was inescapable. Steven was so afraid, it was pathetic. But she was _right here_. Pink was here too, he reminded himself, but it didn’t help.  


“Allow me to explain the reason for Pink’s extensive absence,” White continued in absolute silence. Her voice echoed in the hall, and in Steven’s head as well. He wanted her to _stop_. But of course she continued, “We all thought Pink Diamond was shattered six thousand years ago. But the truth is that she was held prisoner by the remaining rebels all this time. They took our dearest Diamond’s memories of who she was and twisted her sense of self. They fooled us all, and in our deep grief we didn’t notice that something was amiss.”  


That’s not true, you’re lying, Steven wanted to shout. It was White who did all those horrible things to Pink! It was…  


His stare shifted from her for a moment, and settled right on Pink. He was sitting on the edge of his throne, looking down, straight at Steven. His face was emotionless, but his stare was burning. His whole form was glowing bright, and he looked like he was trying to tell him something, convey something with his gaze alone. Steven realized he was sitting with his mouth open. He closed it. Pink nodded almost imperceptibly. And then looked away.  


“Many thousands of years we were waiting for this moment! I announce the beginning of Era three! It’s time to celebrate Pink Diamond’s return to her rightful place!”  


As soon as her speech ended, the first waltz started playing. The space before the thrones emptied, and then filled with neat rows of gems, moving together in perfect synchrony. Both the music and the dance were lifeless and miserable, just like the rest of the ceremony. After a while, one long waltz bled into another. Nothing else was happening.  


Steven slowly came back from his petrified, shocked state. He turned away from White and fixed his gaze firmly on the gems dancing in front of him. He realized he was squeezing his skirt in his fists and forced himself to let go. Then he tried to distract himself with thinking about anything other than White Diamond sitting right above him.  


If only Steven could show these gems what real music was, what a real dance looked like. Well, the last time Steven did that, him and Connie fused and it all ended in disaster. And when he tried singing to Pink, something went wrong too. Steven still didn’t get what happened back then, but he didn’t want to press it. Pink looked almost scared that day, and there was an anxious gleam in his eyes. Steven had hoped that Pink would bring it up himself, but that didn’t happen, not yet at least.  


Steven sighed and leaned his back on the smooth surface of Pink’s throne. It was very uncomfortable to sit like this, Steven hoped the ceremony will be done before his muscles start aching. He wondered how long all these waltzes will be playing. If he remembered correctly, there were four of them in total, one for each of the Diamonds. But was anything planned after that? Steven didn’t know, and all he could do was sit there and watch the immaculate and completely empty moves of the gems before him.  


*  


Steven was so exhausted. It soon became unbearable for him to sit on a hard, flat surface in one position. His legs felt numb, his butt hurt, his muscles longed for some movement. He had a headache from the music and the colorful flashes of gems constantly shifting before his eyes. He really needed to go to the toilet and he was thirsty. But every time he gathered his courage to ask Pink if he could leave, Steven’s gaze inevitably settled on White, sitting close by. And then he felt his courage burn away, snuffed out by her dark nails and her glimmering, shining form. And so Steven sat without uttering a word for what felt like hours of incessant dancing.  


At some point he realized that in spite of his uncomfortable position and his bodily needs, he was becoming drowsy. Steven wondered what would the gems think if he fell asleep right here? He didn’t want to attract attention, but his eyelids drooped on their own accord, and his head started to fall to his chest. He woke up immediately and blinked, looking around. Then it happened again. And again. Everything around him blurred and faded, there was only the endless cycle of dozing off and waking and dozing off again.  


At some point of being awake Steven realized that there were almost no gems left in the hall. Was the celebration finally over? He was too tired to care, too tired for coherent thoughts. His body was forced to get through one panicked state after another, and it refused to work properly now.  


He heard Pink’s voice close, “The celebration is over. Follow me, Steven.”  


Steven blinked a couple of times, trying to make sense of the words. Then he got up, painfully slow. He wobbled unsteadily on his feet. It was pure luck that he didn’t fall while walking down the stairs after Pink. They went around the throne and it turned out that a warp pad was there, guarded by two Jaspers. They warped to some empty corridor, and Pink immediately swept Steven off his feet, cradling him close to his chest. Steven didn’t even flinch. Instead, he leaned his head on Pink’s chest and sighed, closing his eyes. He was so tired.  


“You did so good, Steven, so good,” Pink told him quietly, and Steven mumbled something unintelligible in response. He dozed off yet again, lulled by the gentle rocking of Pink’s slow pace. Steven woke up when they got to Pink’s room.  


“M-m, need bathroom,” Steven mumbled, and Pink let him go. He walked into the bathroom and used the toilet, then drank some water. God, water was _amazing_ when he was so thirsty.  


When he got out, Pink lifted him up again and floated up onto the pillows. When Steven could finally lay down, he moaned in relief. The dress wasn’t the best pajamas, but it was soft and fluffy, and Steven was completely, utterly spent. He wasn’t planning on moving any time soon. He closed his eyes and fell asleep at once.


	20. Arousal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, there is an important thing I need to mention: Pink officially has a vagina in my story, at least for now. If this is not something you are okay with, then that was your warning! So far this is what makes most sense in the context of the story for me. Also I think now is a good time to update the tags as well!  
> But anyway, in this chapter you’ll get Pink talking about genitals in his usual weird terms and masturbation. Everything is graphic as usual.

Pink was given an enormous amount of new documents after the ceremony had come to an end. He was expecting that, of course. Pink had to take a lot of responsibility dealing with some colonies of Yellow’s and Blue’s, now that he was officially one of the rulers. Pink tried to make sense of the new documentation for half a cycle, but his head was aching and he was distracted by circling, nagging thoughts. He couldn’t stop thinking about White. She was definitely planning something after Pink’s open display of disobedience. He had no way of knowing what her plan was, though. The only thing he could do now was to be prepared for whatever comes next.  


Pink wasn’t afraid of White, but he had to be diligent and watchful now. Pink won’t give her a reason to lash out at him. At both of them. Pink had to keep Steven safe too. He saw the look that White sent Steven during the ceremony. It was anything but pleasant. But she couldn’t just take Steven away, not without a serious reason. Pink was still a Diamond. He still had his autonomy and his right to do what he thought was best. He had to work hard and be perfect. As long as he was impeccable at completing his duties, White couldn’t do much. Or so he hoped. Her words were playing in Pink’s head, over and over.  


“She was held prisoner by the remaining rebels…”  


“They took our dearest Diamond’s memories…”  


“It’s time to celebrate Pink Diamond’s return!”  


Pink cringed. White knew probably more than anyone that Pink wasn’t the ruler Homeworld gems were expecting to see. The ceremony was no more than a hoax, full of fake smiles and pleasantries. And Pink dragged Steven along, like a selfish gem he was. Now he felt ashamed. He didn’t even think about how exhausting it will be for Steven to sit through the ceremony without moving or eating. He didn’t think about his reaction to White. Pink didn’t expect Steven to get so frightened. But if Steven wasn’t there by his side, Pink didn’t know how he would have dealt with White. She actually turned the situation with Pink’s memories in her favor. Pink felt his gem like a constricting presence, flaring up with warmth. He should stop thinking about it. He will only succeed in making himself angry and upset, and he was too tired for either of these emotions now.  


Pink looked at Steven then, who was laying on the pillows, his face calm in his sleep, his mouth slightly opened. Pink was glad that he could rest now. Steven was still wearing the dress, and he looked completely stunning in it. Pink liked how the fabric revealed his arms, how the skirt glittered softly, almost invitingly.  


Pink closed the panel. He couldn’t concentrate, and he didn’t want to think about the ceremony and White. Watching Steven was much more satisfying. Even when asleep, he made a lot of noise. He was breathing, muttering something occasionally and moving from time to time. Pink was once again amazed by how much life Steven seemed to hold. He moved closer to the sleeping human.  


The skirt of the fluttery dress rode up in his sleep, revealing the inner lacy layers and Steven’s foot up to his ankle. A wave of the familiar warm feeling washed over Pink. He wasn’t going to touch Steven when he couldn’t voice his consent, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to watch.  


Steven sighed in his sleep. A thin thread of saliva slid from his mouth to the pillow that his head was resting on. The warm feeling dropped to the bottom of Pink’s stomach and curled pleasantly there. Pink started to change his position to a more comfortable one, but just then he felt a quick, intense burst of pleasure. Pink moaned quietly, baffled. He looked down. It couldn’t have been his gem. Maybe it was… the vagina that he had created? He had it still, covered by his shorts, from the moment he decided to show Steven his love through sex. He never removed it, and he wasn’t sure why. Pink was proud of himself for shapeshifting it, of course, it wasn’t easy. Besides, maybe he liked having some human part in his gem form. It felt like being closer to Steven, even though it sounded ridiculous when he thought about it.  


Pink tried pressing his hand to it and felt another surge of bright pleasure. It was definitely the vagina then. He remembered how he pressed his hand to Steven’s crotch, squeezing and caressing until his cock got hard. Why not try it on himself? He did, and the flow of pleasure came again. He was definitely intrigued.  


Pink situated himself on the pillows in a comfortable manner, spread his legs and continued touching himself, playing with the rhythm and the pressure of his movements. He looked at Steven then, and the pleasure spiked unexpectedly. Pink couldn’t help the moan that escaped his lips. It felt so _nice_.  


Steven twitched, humming softly. It seemed like he was waking up. For a moment Pink was worried, but he wasn’t touching Steven, was he? He was touching himself. That was allowed.  


Steven opened his eyes slowly. His gaze settled on Pink almost instantly. Pink felt a shiver run through his form. He never thought he was capable of experiencing such intense pleasure. His hand twitched on its own accord, and Pink moaned softly again.  


“Pink?” Steven said, his voice hoarse from sleep. Pink felt another shiver run through him at the sound of his name from Steven’s lips. Steven wiped at the corner of his mouth (Pink would have really liked to lick the saliva off his lips) and then continued, “What are you doing?”  


That was a good question. What was he doing exactly? Experiencing pleasure by touching his vagina? It sounded… bizarre.  


“I’m not sure. But I like it.” Pink moved his hand again, and his face… He wasn’t sure what exactly his face did, but Steven immediately turned bright red. He sat up, sending Pink a wary look. The flowy skirt of the dress was laid out around him, a glittering sea of cloth. He was _so beautiful_.  


“Uh, you’re not… Gems don’t… they don’t have genitals, right?” he finished with visible effort. Oh, he understood it then.  


“I shapeshifted a vagina,” Pink stated, and Steven shrieked, “You _**what?!**_ ”  


He looked embarrassed, shocked and a little horrified for some reason. Pink lifted an eyebrow.  


“It was a logical solution to the problem of us having human sex. You have a penis, that means I should have a vagina,” he explained patiently. The pleasure started to fade away. Pink definitely didn’t like that. Did his vagina break? He moved his hand experimentally. No, it was still working, he thought to himself, content. Steven was quiet. Pink sent him a questioning look.  


“You… you planned on _having sex with me?_ ” he asked. He looked even more shocked and embarrassed than before.  


“I did,” Pink agreed easily. “After watching the recording from the zoo I was sure that’s how humans show love towards each other.”  


He got tired of explaining obvious things, so he went back to touching himself. Somehow Steven watching him made the pleasure more intense, and Pink moaned without restraint this time. Steven wasn’t sleeping anymore, and he didn’t seem to want to talk.  


“Don’t do it right in front of me!” Steven cried out in a very high voice. Pink looked him in the eye. Steven was still bright red, but he didn’t lower his gaze.  


“You forbid me from touching _myself?_ ” Pink asked, exasperated.  


“N-no,” Steven backtracked immediately. This conversation made no sense. There was no point to it.  


Pink made himself more comfortable, laying flat on the pillows, bending his knees and spreading his legs so that he could still see Steven. Then he started pressing and rubbing at his vagina, not tearing his eyes away from Steven. His mouth was slightly opened, and he was looking back at Pink. Pink had no idea what he was thinking about. He brushed against some especially sensitive spot and moaned. He really liked having a vagina, it was definitely here to stay.  


“Oh my God, okay, I’ll just… go,” Steven squeaked, getting to his feet. Pink cried out, “Wait!”  


Steven’s eyebrows drew up.  


“Don’t go,” Pink asked. He had never asked for anything in his entire existence. But the pleasure felt so… urgent and compelling, and Pink was almost desperate. “When I look at you, I feel so…” he tried to find a word for everything he was experiencing, “I feel so _good_.”  


Steven’s gaze changed then. Pink didn’t know if it was a good thing or not. Steven looked him over, eyes lingering on Pink’s hand, which was pressed tightly between his own legs. Then Steven licked his lips, hesitating. Pink moved his hand, feeling the gratifying burn of his attention.  


“Steven,” Pink moaned, moving his hand faster. The pleasure from the fast, erratic movements turned almost painful, but it still felt incredible. He couldn’t stop, he didn’t want to stop, it felt like _everything_. Pink looked at Steven, standing over him in his shining pink dress, and he was beautiful and everything Pink had ever wanted. The pleasure suddenly overwhelmed him. His thoughts stuttered to a halt, his form convulsed, pulsating with warmth, and there was only _Steven_ , Pink belonged to him, and… As suddenly as the pleasure came, it abated and then disappeared altogether.  


Pink took his hand away from his vagina and dropped it on the pillows. Then he looked at Steven again.  


“What… was that?” Pink asked with a touch of uncertainty. He had never experienced anything like that before.  


“I’m, uh, quite sure that was your first orgasm,” Steven muttered. There was a strange expression on his face that Pink didn’t try to decipher. He was feeling so nice and relaxed, the thoughts in his head came and went lazily.  


“Orgasm,” he echoed. “I read about that. I didn’t know I could do it by myself.”  


He had no idea that it would feel so good. Pink grimaced then, feeling slick in his shorts. “Vaginas become… wet.”  


He sat up then and dematerialized his shorts, lifting the hem of his dress to look at his vagina. It was indeed a wet mess. Pink made a displeased sound. That will be hard to get used to. How will he get rid of all this… liquid?  


“If you want to, um, dry yourself you can use my old clothes, I won’t use them anyway,” Steven suggested quickly. Pink looked at him, but Steven was looking away, red in the face again.  


“Alright, I will do that.”  


“It’s in that corner, you can take it andIgottagotothebathroom,” he blurted, then turned around, grabbed his clothes and almost ran down the stairs. Pink frowned. Did he do something wrong? Then again, maybe Steven did need to go to the “bathroom”, whatever he did there. Pink got up and went to fetch the clothes. He took a “t-shirt” and wiped himself off carefully. The vagina became a lot more sensitive after the orgasm. When he was done, Pink materialized his shorts back and sat down, opening his panel. His mood was significantly better, and his headache was gone. Pink pulled up some documents and started working, humming quietly to himself.  


*  


After locking himself in the bathroom Steven tried to calm down. But how the hell was he supposed to calm down, when Pink was just _masturbating on him!_ Pink _came_ , and the expression on his face in that moment, his eyes screwed tightly shut, eyebrows drawn together and his wet mouth opened to let out his final moan…  


Steven pressed his hands to his face and groaned. No, he will _not_ think about that. He will change and then go back as if nothing had happened. Steven laughed quietly and a bit hysterically. How could he just ignore all of that?  


Steven drew his hands from his face to reach for the lacing on the back of the dress. He untied it clumsily and got out of the dress finally. His gaze immediately settled on his half-hard cock. How could Steven ignore that? What Pink was doing… Steven remembered his spread legs and how he pressed his hand between them, an unusual expression of urgency on his face. He didn’t look ashamed or embarrassed, not one bit. Pink was _enjoying himself_. And he was enjoying that Steven was watching him pleasure himself. He was _moaning_ … Steven’s hand twitched. Yes, Steven was… he was aroused by that, there was no denying it. Steven swallowed, then looked down again, almost scared now. Why was he aroused by Pink? Steven remembered the clear desire in Pink’s stare. He wanted to see it again.  


No, God, no, he will just take a cold shower and get himself together. Pink didn’t understand what he was doing, did he? He had never touched himself like this before, that was obvious. But Steven knew all the implications of masturbating on somebody, and _he_ won’t do it. He won’t even think about it.  


Steven got into the shower and turned the cold water on. His body trembled, his erection going away almost immediately. He breathed out and made the water warm, then sat down in the bathtub.  


He didn’t want to think about his feelings towards Pink. He didn’t want sexual attraction to be one of those feelings. But that boat had sailed long ago, right when Steven started enjoying Pink kissing him and giving him a blowjob. Now it was obvious that Pink was sexually attracted to him as well. Things were getting serious. Steven had no idea what to do with that. It… wasn’t normal, was it? Pink was his gem. He was a part of Steven before, even though he developed his own personality now. What did it all mean? Steven didn’t have any idea. The only thing he knew was that he wanted his gem’s attention, his love, Steven wanted _**him**_. Deep in his heart, he wanted everything Pink could give him. Steven groaned in frustration. Why did he want it so much?  


He could really do with some advice right now. Steven remembered about his dad, about Garnet and Connie. What would they say if they knew about it? Even thinking about it made Steven wince, his face burning in shame. He squeezed his eyes shut, imagining their shocked stares and opened mouths. Maybe they would think that Pink forced Steven to feel this way…  


Steven sighed. Initially, Pink didn’t care much for Steven’s consent, but Steven made him realize how important it was, and he understood finally. This time… Pink wasn’t touching him. Yeah, he was touching himself, Steven thought and another hysterical laugh made its way out of his throat.  


Anyway, the thing was that… Steven wanted Pink not because Pink forced him to. Steven wanted Pink because he liked having the gem by his side. Steven liked interacting with him and teaching him human things, he liked dancing with him, he liked it when Pink was listening to Steven intently, like he was the only one who mattered. And Steven liked the burning, hungry stare that Pink fixed him with when he was pleasuring himself.  


But Pink didn’t have to know that. And Steven wasn’t planning to act on his impulses. He didn’t know exactly what he was planning to do, but he will think of something. Steven could ignore this… desire, or whatever it was. At least for now. That thought finally calmed him down. He could wait. He will sort this out later. Pink didn’t have to know.


	21. Make a change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is a little too dramatic… In my defense, I was listening to dramatic music while editing it:D  
> Also some masturbation present in this chapter.

When Steven got out of the bathroom, Pink was talking to Pearl.  


“—to a later date. I’m busy now.”  


And judging by his voice, he was annoyed.  


Steven started going up the stairs, rubbing at his damp hair with a towel.  


“One of the members of the… court is asking to meet with my Diamond.” Pearl’s voice was full of patience. Steven wondered what she was doing when she wasn’t busy running errands for Pink. He hoped Pink let her do her own thing. With how gems were treated here on Homeworld, it was unlikely.  


Steven got up onto the platform. Pink was sitting on the pillows, cross-legged, his panel hovering close. He looked exasperated.  


“Who?” Pink asked in a flat voice. That and the expression on his face reminded Steven so much of Yellow. Steven giggled. Pink looked at him, unimpressed.  


“Spinel, my stunning Diamond,” Pearl asked. “It seems to be urgent. She looks…”  


“What are you talking about, Pearl? There are no Spinels among the members my closest court. Send her away,” Pink said, making a dismissive move with his hand. Steven frowned. Weren’t the gems in Pink’s court completely dependent on him? Why was he so dismissive with them?  


“My resplendent Diamond,” Pearl started, sounding worried, “this Spinel belonged to Pink Diamond in the… beginning of her rule.”  


And by that she meant that this Spinel belonged to Steven’s mother. Pink froze, the look of irritation wiped clean off his face. It was completely emotionless now.  


“An Era One Spinel? What does she want?” he asked.  


“To meet with my Diamond as soon as possible,” Pearl repeated.  


For a couple of moments, it was completely silent. Steven kept looking at Pink, but his expression was completely blank. He got up from his seat, putting the panel away.  


“Give an order to let her in the reception room. I will meet her.”  


When the door closed after his gem, Steven took his own panel and laid down comfortably on the pillows. Steven was in need of some alone time after Pink… did what he did in front of him. It was fortunate that a mysterious gem appeared just now, asking for a meeting. And it seemed to be urgent. Steven wondered what could mom’s Spinel want? He wondered why Pink was so surprised to hear about her. Steven thought he of all gems should know about someone who was connected to Rose in one way or another. It was all very strange.  


Steven decided to put these thoughts away for now. He will ask Pink about it whenever he comes back. He turned on his stomach, made himself comfortable on the pillows and opened up the panel. Peridot sent him eight messages while he was at the ceremony. He smiled, opening up the chat.

“You can’t just leave the conversation  
without explaining what windmills are!!”

Steven laughed. He forgot what kind of conversation they were having before he left.

“Steven? You haven’t been answering for a while.  
Where are you? Are you getting ready for the ceremony or something?”

“Steven, all the gems in my section are gathering at the holoscreen.  
Which means that the ceremony is going to start soon. Are you okay??”

“I can’t see anything from my cell!!!!!”

“The gems in front of the screen are talking about organics,  
so that means you’re there.”

“These gems are so dumb.  
I explained to them just how dumb they are, you can be proud of me.  
They know nothing about us. If I could I would destroy my cell and your cell,  
and then take you home, you know that?”

A sad smile crept up on Steven’s face. Yes, he knew that, of course he knew that. There were only two unread messages left now.

“Are you okay?!?!?!?!?!  
The ceremony ended hours ago, why aren’t you answering??”

“Are you hurt??  
What am I going to say to the Crystal gems?!??!??!”

Steven typed, “I’m not hurt” and got an immediate answer.

“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He laughed at her eloquence.

“Steven, can you explain to me in plain Earth language  
WHY haven’t you been answering my messages for THREE hours after the ceremony ended?”

“I was sleeping,” Steven sent and then blushed, remembering what else he had been doing. What Pink had been doing. No, he decided not to think about that, and he won’t.

“How was the ceremony anyway?”

“Oh my God, so boring, I thought I would die.”  


“It’s good that you didn’t die.”

“Yes, thank you, Peridot.”  


“That’s what friends are for,  
if I understand this human concept correctly.”

Steven laughed. They talked for a while about nothing in particular. Steven wanted to tell her so much, but he didn’t dare to do it through the panel. He decided to ask Pink for another meeting with her. It will be nice to see her again.  


Soon they got tired of their empty talk, and Steven closed the chat. There were some simple games installed on the panel, so he entertained himself with that. They weren’t very good so he got tired of them after thirty minutes of playing.  


Steven put the panel away and fell down on the pillows with a huff. He was so _bored_. He thought maybe he wanted to take a walk around the Palace. Then he remembered how the gems at the ceremony sneaked curious looks at him when Steven wasn’t looking. He decided that he would rather stay inside for now.  


There was nothing else he could do so Steven started thinking again. Remembering Pink. It was like having an itch under his skin that couldn’t be scratched. How was Steven supposed to distract himself from these thoughts if there was absolutely nothing to distract himself with? How could he not think about Pink’s eyes on him, and the sounds that he made. How while looking at the gem, Steven felt a sudden, overwhelming desire to touch him. He could imagine how it would have felt. He could imagine pressing his hand between Pink’s spread legs, eliciting a pleased, surprised noise from him. Maybe Pink would moan his name again, like he did…  


Steven turned on his stomach, put his face in the nearest pillow and screamed into it. What was wrong with him?! Why couldn’t he stop thinking about it? He was hard again after thinking about his gem. He waited for a couple of minutes, but the thoughts didn’t go away. Neither did his erection.  


Maybe Steven could… give in, just once? And then maybe he will be able to get rid of those thoughts. His hand twitched. He hadn’t really done anything like that for a while. Last time he came was in Pink’s mouth while the gem was sucking him off. Thinking about it made him want to touch himself even more. Steven groaned, exasperated, ashamed and very horny.  


It was wrong, but right now, when all he wanted to do was to chase the building pleasure… did he care? He found that he didn’t. Steven turned to his side, unfastened his jeans and let his hand slip into them. He remembered how Pink dematerialized his shorts, and Steven saw his… but he looked away immediately. Still, he saw more than enough. Pink had shapeshifted a vagina. He did it _for Steven_. He wrapped his hand around his cock and pulled, moaning quietly. It felt so good. He kept going, panting a little, and his thoughts started flying into different directions. Pink kissing him. Connie’s soft lips, her hair, her dark eyes. A beautiful frilly bra that she sometimes wore. Pink’s burning, desperate stare and how he moved his hand, pressing down just right and moaning. And his face when he was coming…  


Steven felt himself getting close and stopped. He should go to the bathroom and finish there. Just when Steven got up there was a sound of the door opening. He started. God, _not now_. He was so embarrassed to be caught like that and there was no time to think, so Steven just grabbed the nearest pillow and sat back down, holding it close. The last thing he wanted to do was for Pink to see him hard. And yes, _of course_ it was him. That was just Steven’s luck.  


When he floated up onto the platform and settled on the pillows gracefully, Steven felt himself blush furiously. He was just jerking himself off while thinking about Pink. Oh God, why was he doing that? He was—  


“Steven?”  


Steven was so ashamed that he couldn’t look Pink in the eye. Instead, he was staring at his own hands and at the pillow pressed to his stomach.  


“Did something happen?”  


Pink got closer, and Steven laughed nervously, “No, no, nothing happened, why would you even think that something happened, I was just…”  


Pink sat down right in front of him, and Steven fell silent.  


“How was the meeting with Spinel?” Steven asked, trying to change the topic. He was still painfully hard. He wished for it to go away right this instant, but that didn’t happen. Of course not.  


“I sent her to Blue,” Pink answered and then asked, “Why are you holding a pillow?”  


Steven was ready to die from embarrassment. He will never ever get hard in their shared space again. Never. But that promise couldn’t save him from Pink’s watchful stare. Steven made a decision not to think about Pink in a sexual way. And then he went and did this exact thing. And now Pink was sitting _right here_. What was Steven supposed to say? His brain was completely incapable of producing anything meaningful.  


“I’m just, I’ll just go…” Steven mumbled, squeezing the pillow.  


“Did I do something wrong?” Pink asked immediately, and Steven shook his head. “Steven, I don’t understand unless you talk to me.”  


Pink sounded worried. Steven looked up at him finally and managed a smile. Pink was looking at him intently. Steven was touching himself just now, thinking about how Pink’s face looked when he came. Steven had no excuse. He _wanted_ to picture it while touching himself.  


“I’m okay, honestly,” he squeaked, gripping the pillow with too much force. At least his erection started to go away from the intense shame he was experiencing. Pink frowned.  


“You know that I will not touch you if you don’t want me to, right?” the gem said, not taking his eyes off Steven. He looked almost sad.  


Oh. Did Pink think Steven was trying to protect himself with a pillow? Steven sighed.  


“I… I don’t think you are going to touch me,” he said as calmly as he could.  


“I don’t want to hurt you,” Pink said quietly, lowering his gaze. There was a lost look on his face that Steven didn’t like at all.  


“I know that too!”  


“Then why are you doing it?”  


Steven sighed again. Why did he always end up having to explain these things to his gem?  


“I just… didn’t want you to see me. It’s… personal, what I was doing,” he said, refusing to feel shame.  


“But I saw you already.” Pink tilted his head to the side, confused. Steven ran his hand through his hair and then pulled at it, annoyed.  


“Yeah, I know but… Can we just stop talking about this?”  


“Alright,” Pink agreed unexpectedly. All the traces of arousal were gone now, so Steven put the damn pillow away.  


“Can I see you now?” Pink asked, and Steven sent him an exasperated look. Pink looked clueless. Steven pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, then lowered his hand and said, “Yes, now you can see me.”  


Pink stared. Steven rolled his eyes. Then he remembered that he wanted to ask for another meeting with Peridot.  


“Look, Pink, I’d like to meet with Peridot again, if… if you don’t mind?” Steven tried to say it with confidence, but somehow it turned to a question.  


“Alright,” Pink said, and Steven relaxed.  


They were silent for a couple of minutes. Then Steven laid down on the pillows, turning on his side to be facing Pink and propping his head on his hand. His back still hurt from sitting in an uncomfortable position for so long.  


“Why are Homeworld ceremonies so long and boring?” he complained.  


Pink laid down next to him, mimicking Steven’s position. That was nice. Now they could talk face to face and it was calming to have Pink so close. Steven could always reach for him if he wanted to.  


“Because Homeworld gems are boring?” Pink suggested.  


“No way!” Steven laughed. “You just never had a real party. With a deejay and real dancing, not these perfect rows and robotic movements. You just… never had fun, I guess,” Steven finished, making a vague gesture with his hand.  


Pink shrugged his shoulders. “Gems don’t do fun.”  


“ _That_ is definitely not true,” Steven snorted. “You just need to try something different for a change!”  


He was ready to give his gem an extensive guide on how to organize great parties, but then he saw that Pink was smiling softly, looking at him. Steven blushed and forgot what was it that he wanted to tell him. Pink reached his hand and traced Steven’s cheek with his fingertips.  


“You are wonderful, Steven.”  


“Um, thanks,” Steven mumbled, turning his gaze away and blushing harder.  


“I want to be by your side. Always. You’re everything I want,” Pink continued, his voice turning sad.  


Steven looked at him again and frowned, feeling uncomfortable. He didn’t know how to answer that. He didn’t like being locked up by his gem as no more than a prisoner. But he wanted to help Pink. But Pink was the one who took him away from his home. Steven wanted to be with Pink, but Steven wanted it to be his own choice. Pink never gave him that choice.  


“You will leave me. I can see it in your eyes,” Pink said, voice soft and expression forlorn.  


How was Steven supposed to leave if Pink didn’t want to let him go? Steven really didn’t want to have that conversation. He would get upset, and Pink would get upset, and—  


“I will let you,” Pink said. Steven froze. Then looked at his gem in shock. Pink continued laying next to him, as if he didn’t just put the key to Steven’s freedom right in front of him. As if he didn’t know what these words meant to Steven.  


“Don’t… don’t say that unless you mean it,” Steven said shakily, sitting up. He started to wring his hands together nervously. He didn’t understand. Pink wasn’t cruel. Why would he say that? Pink sat up as well and moved closer to him.  


“I will let you return to Earth if you ask,” Pink said, and his voice wavered. Steven didn’t get it. He just… didn’t get it.  


“But you _dragged me away from there!_ ” Pink flinched, but Steven kept going, “So that I could be with you. Just now you told me it’s everything you want. And then you say… you say…” He wanted to cry, his throat constricted unexpectedly with the weight of these unshed tears. “Why would you say that?” Steven finished, his voice breaking. He felt like he was going to fall apart.  


“Because it’s true,” Pink answered, and Steven started crying, wet and ugly. The tears brought back his deep longing for home, his sadness and his helplessness. Everything came rushing back and it was too much.  


“Can I hug you?” Pink asked, and Steven nodded.  


Pink squeezed him in an embrace. Steven pressed his face into Pink’s neck and continued crying. He missed his family _so much_. He was locked up for so long because of Pink. But Steven loved Pink so much too. It was too much, and so he cried and cried, letting the emotions and the pain out. Pink was crying too. Steven held him tight. For a while they were clinging to each other desperately, left with all their pain exposed.  


Finally, Steven felt his tears run dry. He was feeling a little better now. He still couldn’t believe that he could… go back home? Steven pulled back, and Pink loosened his grip. They were left sitting close to each other, with their knees touching. Pink was still crying, tears running down his cheeks, and he blinked from time to time to get rid of them. He didn’t meet Steven’s eyes. Steven would have never left him alone like that, crying and miserable. Surely there was a way to solve this without leaving either of them in tears. Steven just had to think of something.  


“Let’s go to Earth together,” Steven suggested the first thing that came to his mind. Pink started, then stared at him, wide-eyed. “Then we can be together,” Steven continued, smiling nervously. Maybe the idea seemed unusual to him, but it wasn’t so bad!  


“I can’t,” Pink said, voice empty. The tears didn’t stop, and Steven felt his heart clench. It hurt to watch Pink cry inconsolably. It hurt to know that Steven was the one who made him cry like that.  


“Why?” Steven tried, reaching for him and squeezing his hand gently. Pink looked at Steven as if he suddenly lost his mind.  


“I’m a Diamond,” he stated. “My place is on Homeworld.”  


“But you do most of your work through the panel, and you can do that anywhere…”  


“White would never let me,” Pink hissed with bitter anger. His eyes flashed bright pink.  


“Let’s change it then,” Steven answered with sudden determination.  


A thought came to him when he saw the angry, hurt look on Pink’s face. Maybe Steven could try to change Pink’s mind about how Homeworld worked. And about White. If the only thing Pink wanted was to be with Steven and if he really cared enough to let him go… Maybe he will care enough to listen to him. To finally understand. But that was a pure leap of faith. Steven felt his heart beating fast in his chest. He had no idea how Pink would react. He could get angry. He could laugh at Steven and say he was being ridiculous. He could change his mind and leave Steven locked up in his Palace until Steven dies. But… Pink did let go of his own desire to have Steven close. _That_ was progress, wasn’t it? And Steven couldn’t leave him and go back to Earth, knowing that it would break Pink’s heart.  


Steven had to try. Pink was looking at him in confusion, but at least he stopped crying.  


“We need to change Homeworld,” Steven ventured. “We need to change White’s mind…” He didn’t finish speaking, and Pink was already shaking his head.  


“That’s impossible.”  


At least he didn’t laugh. He didn’t seem angry either. That was a good sign. Steven put his hands on the gem’s shoulders, and Pink was forced to meet his gaze. The fear and the uncertainty in his gaze broke Steven’s heart. But he knew what he had to say then.  


“You are a _Diamond_. You four are the rulers of Homeworld, aren’t you? **You** decide what’s possible.”  


“It’s _White_ who decides it.”  


“White doesn’t know everything. This life, all of this, Pink, can’t you see? Life is for being _happy_. Do you think gems on Homeworld are happy? Are _you_ happy? All these standards and procedures, the propriety and everything being in its place, static, unchanging, all this system—”  


“Without the system everything will turn to chaos!” Pink exclaimed, looking horrified. Steven kept his calm. He could do this, he knew he could. Pink was _listening_ to him. Steven’s heart was beating so fast. His hands were almost shaking. _He had to convince Pink._  


“Create a _**new**_ system then, one that encourages being happy! Create a world that you will want to be a part of! You and the other Diamonds can do it, I know you can. Because this,” he made an encompassing gesture with his hand, “this isn’t working.”  


Pink was looking at him in complete astonishment. Steven didn’t know how he would react, but at least he didn’t look terrified anymore. That was good, wasn’t it? Pink kept staring at him for a full minute it felt like. Steven didn’t lower his gaze. His heart was beating fast, his breaths were uneven. Steven was so nervous, but he tried to look as unshakably confident as Pink usually did when he spoke his mind.  


“I need time to think,” Pink said at last, then got up and floated down to the door. When the door closed after him, Steven breathed out. He did everything he could. Now it was up to Pink to decide if he wanted to make a change.


	22. A new best friend

Steven must have dozed off laying on the pillows. The sound of the door opening pulled him back to reality. He opened his eyes, stretched and sat up.  


“Pink?” he called, voice hoarse from sleeping. But it wasn’t Pink.  


Steven looked curiously at the unknown gem that jumped up on the platform to stand right before him. She was pink, which surprised Steven. The only pink gems he knew of were either Rose Quartzes or his own gem. She wasn’t a Rose Quartz. The gem on her chest was heart-shaped, which was also new. Steven looked her in the eye then and smiled.  


“Hey, my name is—”  


“Steven,” she finished for him. Her voice sounded a bit strained, and her gaze was intense. Steven nodded.  


“And you are…”  


“Spinel,” she said. Her gaze darted around the room for a moment, then settled on him again. So she was the one who asked to see Pink urgently. An Era One Spinel that belonged to his mother.  


There was something in her eyes that Steven didn’t like. He couldn’t put his finger on it. Steven coughed awkwardly and said, “So, you knew Pink Diamond before, uh…”  


How does one explain the concept of death, when gems didn’t usually die without shattering?  


“We were best friends!” Spinel exclaimed loudly, and Steven flinched. She jumped all of a sudden, then started going around him in fast circles, making Steven feel almost dizzy. “We played so many games together! I always made her smile! I was always ready to play, even when the game was…”  


She stopped abruptly, right in front of his face.  


“Now you’re her best friend,” she smiled sweetly. She was agile, her body flexible to the point of being completely malleable. Spinel wasn’t a regular gem. Why did she come to Steven? He opened his mouth to ask, but she was faster.  


“What kind of games do you play with Pink?”  


Steven shut his mouth, feeling his face heat up. Not the ones she meant, that’s for sure. In one swift move Spinel wrapped her hand around Steven’s throat and squeezed. There was a menacing glint in her eyes. Steven refused to be scared. She was a member of Pink’s court. Pink went on a meeting with her, surely he wouldn’t have given her permission to be in his room with Steven, if he thought Spinel was dangerous. Pink knew she was here, right?  


“Answer me!” She shook Steven like he was a stuffed toy.  


“We don’t… play games,” Steven croaked, trying to take a breath. Her face scrunched up in annoyance. She didn’t like his answer. What did she even _want_ from him?  


“What do you do then? How can her best friend be… an _organic?_ ” she spat with contempt.  


“Spinel, you’re h-hurting me,” Steven said, and she laughed unexpectedly.  


“Splendid! Good to know!” She pulled him closer to her face and stared right in his eyes as she hissed, “That’s the intention.”  


She started shaking him again, muttering, “What’s the secret, there has to be some sort of trick, but what is it?”  


She almost cut off his air supply. Steven was grabbing at her hand futilely, trying to pull it away, trying to do something, but he _couldn’t breathe_. Black spots bloomed in his vision. Then her hold loosened abruptly, and he took a shuddering inhale.  


“Spinel!”  


Steven turned his head and saw Pearl standing near the door. She looked angry, there was no trace of the usual pleasant smile on her face. Spinel jumped down to where she stood in the blink of an eye. Instead of bringing Steven with her, Spinel elongated her arm so that Steven was still pinned to his place on the platform. How could she stretch her body like that? For now, Steven didn’t care about that, he was just relieved to have his precious air back.  


“So it was you who sent me away,” Pearl said in a cold voice.  


“It worked perfectly well, didn’t it?” Spinel laughed.  


“You can’t be in here. Pink will come b—”  


“Pink!” Spinel exclaimed with sudden rage. Pearl made a move as if she wanted to summon her weapon from her gem. In a span of a second Spinel’s other arm curled around her like a pink snake and squeezed hard. Pearl winced, cringing from pain, but didn’t do more than that.  


“How can you stand to be in her service now?” Spinel continued, bringing Pearl closer and shouting in her face. “Can’t you see that it’s not her?! She’s not Pink! She doesn’t act like Pink! She’s best friends with an organic!” She tightened her hold on Steven then, making him gasp for breath again.  


“She’s still my Diamond,” Pearl answered calmly. “Let Steven go, if Pink sees—”  


“Why would she even care about a _Steven?!_ ” Her voice broke. Now Spinel sounded hurt. “I did _everything_ she asked of me, I played fair, and she _sent me to Blue!_ Pink would never do such a thing, Pink would—”  


The door opened at that moment and revealed Pink himself standing in the doorway. For a second he froze, looking over the scene before him. Then his face scrunched up in flaring rage.  


“ _ **What’s going on here.**_ ”  


Every word echoed painfully in Steven’s head. His consciousness started slipping into blackness, God, he desperately needed air, _now_. The hand that was holding him disappeared, and Steven fell on the pillows, gasping.  


“Steven?”  


He felt a hand settle on his shoulder and flinched. Then looked up and saw Pink through the tears smearing his vision. Pink moved closer and pressed a kiss to his forehead. His abused throat relaxed, and Steven could inhale fully, finally.  


“Thanks.” Steven sent him a shaky smile. Pink’s scared expression melted into one of relief, his form stopped glowing unbearably bright. The gem hugged him then, squeezing painfully tight.  


“Ow, Pink, tone it down a bit,” Steven said, and Pink’s iron grip loosened somewhat.  


They sat there for a while, both of them coming down slowly from the shock of Spinel’s attack. Steven recovered first. It wasn’t the first time a gem threatened his life after all. He was glad that Pink showed up when he did though. Steven would have fainted otherwise, and then… He didn’t want to think about what Pink would have done to Spinel then.  


Steven pulled back carefully, but Pink didn’t let go. They ended up in a weird kind of half-embrace. Steven turned a little and looked down.  


Pearl and Spinel were standing near the door. Pearl was standing tall, her head held high, while Spinel was wringing her hands nervously, not looking up. Pink looked at the two of them as well.  


“I’m still waiting for an explanation,” Pink said coldly. Spinel sent him a seeking look and then lowered her head again.  


“I wanted to look at your new best friend. I sent Pearl a request to get her away from the door,” she said. She sounded like a child who was caught red handed by their strict parent while doing mischief.  


“You hurt Steven,” Pink snapped, and the burning anger in his voice made Steven tremble slightly. But Pink promised not to shatter gems. He wouldn’t hurt Spinel, right? The only thing Pink could do was bubble her, and Steven hoped he could talk him out of it.  


“I wanted to see what his secret was!” Spinel exclaimed. She was pouting almost, there was no trace of fear in her.  


Pink started glowing bright, and his form turned almost hot to the touch.  


“Pink, I’m okay!” Steven rushed to say, thinking about the burns he could get, pressed to the flaring gem as he was. Pink looked at him then. Steven squinted from the brightness of his eyes. Then the light died down a little, and Pink’s form stopped emanating heat. For a couple of moments, Steven just breathed, looking at his gem. Pink didn’t tear his gaze away from him.  


“I’m okay now. And I want to talk to her,” Steven said after a minute of silence. The grip Pink had on him became painful again, and the gem spat, “ _ **No**_.”  


Steven cringed from the ringing it brought to his ears. Pink added more quietly, “Sorry.”  


“She knew R… Rose. And she is…” Steven looked down at Spinel again. “Something is wrong with her. I want to know what happened to her.”  


“She’s _dangerous_ , Steven. She hurt you. I won’t let you come near her. The best course of action is to bubble her—”  


“You will be right here and you will protect me,” Steven interrupted. “I want to know why she attacked me.”  


Silence stretched between them again. Pink looked at him in his usual intense way. Steven looked back, undeterred. Spinel sounded so unhappy, and she knew his mother somehow. She wouldn’t have attacked him without a reason. Steven wanted to know what happened to her. He wanted to know if he could help.  


“Alright,” the gem answered at last.  


“Thanks, Pink,” Steven smiled back.  


Pink nodded, then lifted him up in his arms and floated to the flat part of the room near the door, where the two gems stood.  


“Steven wishes to speak to you,” Pink said to Spinel. “Answer truthfully and to the point.”  


Spinel sent Steven a dark look, then looked at Pink again.  


“Yes, my Diamond,” she said.  


“Pink, you can, uh, let me go now,” Steven said, but the gem shook his head. Pink’s face was set, and Steven knew he wouldn’t change his mind about this. Steven sighed, then turned to Spinel. She was staring back at him, eyes narrowed in suspicion.  


“I just… I want you to tell me about Pink Diamond, and how you… spent time together, if that’s okay. You said that you were best friends?” Steven said, smiling tentatively at her. Spinel looked at Pink again. He nodded, and she began her tale.  


It started out innocently, with a garden, and playing games, and laughter, but of course something was about to go wrong. Steven knew it was bound to happen, when his mother was involved.  


“She just _left_ you there?!” Steven exclaimed, when she finished speaking. He didn’t know what to think. He felt angry, hurt, guilty, and sad. Spinel was looking at him with untamed rage.  


“Don’t you dare to pity me!” she cried out, clenching her hands into fists. Then Spinel looked at Pink, and her shoulders sagged. She uncurled her fists, letting her hands hang limply at her sides.  


“I will never know what I did wrong, will I?” she whispered so quietly that Steven barely heard. He let out a sigh.  


“You… didn’t do anything wrong,” Steven said slowly. He didn’t want to make her angry again. “Pink Diamond, she… left you. She decided to leave everybody. All of Homeworld.”  


“But why? Why did she leave me?!” Spinel cried out, looking at him. The hurt look and the tears in her eyes made Steven’s heart ache.  


“She wasn’t happy,” Steven said. It was a simple truth. He wasn’t sure his mother was ever really happy as Rose, either. Her life wasn’t easy, and her decisions were questionable. But one thing that Steven was sure of was that his mother was never really happy on Homeworld.  


“I did _**everything**_ for her, I made her _smile!_ ” Spinel spat, as if Steven just said that Spinel herself was the reason of Pink Diamond’s unhappiness.  


“Spinel, you could be her best friend, but you weren’t the only gem in her life. Pink Diamond’s life wasn’t…” He paused. He wanted gesture with his hands softly, but he was still in Pink’s arms, so he left them be. “It wasn’t easy. Other Diamonds didn’t listen to her. They didn’t give her what she wanted.”  


“I gave her everything she wanted!” Spinel’s form quivered slightly. She looked almost scared.  


She needed to hear the truth, so Steven said, “One gem couldn’t give her everything. I think she wanted… a chance to make decisions in her life, to live the way she wanted to live. She could never have that as a part of the Diamond Authority. So she left.”  


They were all quiet for a while then. Steven noticed Pearl looking at him with an intent expression on her face. Spinel was staring down at the floor. Then looked at Pink again and said, “If you’re planning to bubble me, better do it now. Otherwise I’m leaving.”  


Steven turned to Pink too. He was ready to defend Spinel. She didn’t deserve to be bubbled, she had been through enough, standing dutifully in that garden for so many years. Pink was quiet for a while, his face devoid of any emotion as he thought.  


“You can return to Blue,” he said then, and Steven felt relieved. “You will not hurt Steven again. That’s an order.”  


“I wasn’t planning to,” Spinel muttered quietly, looking down again and heading for the door.  


“Should I accompany her, my Diamond?” Pearl asked politely, and Pink nodded.  


“Fruits for Steven,” Pearl added and materialized three fruits from her gem. Then she bowed elegantly and followed Spinel out of the room.  


Pink let him go finally. Steven took the fruits and got up the stairs. He sat down close to the huge window and stared out at the view that was opening from the balcony. Then he began eating the fruit absent-mindedly, his head full of scattered thoughts.  


*  


The way to Blue Diamond’s Palace didn’t take long, and they were silent through most of it. Pearl was walking two steps behind Spinel. She pretended not to notice how Spinel was wiping at her eyes.  


“So this is our new Pink,” Spinel said in a flat voice once her eyes were dry. Pearl didn’t answer. What could she say? Both of them remembered Pink Diamond. Both of them knew the gem who was standing in the chamber, glowing bright and hugging the human close, wasn’t her.  


They continued walking in silence. An unbidden memory came to Pearl’s mind. The first time she met this new version of Pink. It wasn’t a pleasant memory, to put it mildly.  


When Pearl came to her senses in White’s chamber, in control of her mind and body for the first time in a very long time, the first thing she saw were three figures of the Diamonds, and another one. That fourth figure was small, and angry, and it was glowing bright pink.  


“ _ **Where is he, where is he, where is he?!**_ ” the figure screamed over and over again, without stopping. Cracks were everywhere around her, and the small figure stood – no, floated? – in the center of a crater. Pearl got to her feet, wobbling unsteadily. She didn’t understand what was happening. Why was she here? What happened to her?  


“Calm down now, Pink,” White Diamond said to no avail. She was watching the small pink figure with a displeased look. “And stop looking like an organic creature. Can you please take your true form?”  


“ _ **Pink Diamond is gone!**_ ”  


A wave of heat and pure **power** burst free from the figure. Pearl was swept off her feet, her back hitting the wall an instant later. The Diamonds trembled where they stood. New cracks appeared on the walls and the invisible ceiling shook. Pearl had no idea how she was still able to hold her physical form. Everything hurt, especially her left eye.  


“We need to get St—” Blue began.  


“Silence!” White cut her off, voice filled with rage. Then she spoke to the small figure again, “Pink, you leave me no choice…”  


“ _ **Where is he?**_ ” the figure – Pink? – asked again. But it couldn’t be her. The air around the small figure trembled with heat, distorting her form, which glowed unbearably bright. Pearl felt a wave of dread come belatedly over her. She couldn’t move.  


White moved her hand, and a bright glowing sphere encased the pink figure. She kept shouting, but her wall-shaking voice was dulled somehow.  


“Yellow, Blue, you can go now,” White said. “And take Pearl with you, or Pink will shatter her to bits.”  


The last thing Pearl saw before the doors closed was White Diamond holding up her hand and a wave of blinding white light. _Purifying_ , she thought to herself in that moment.  


When Pearl met her again, Pink wasn’t screaming anymore. Pearl looked into the eyes of her Diamond and froze in shock and fright. Pink Diamond’s gaze was hollow and lost. A lost Diamond. It couldn’t be. It _shouldn’t_ be. Pearl had to do everything in her power to help. And that was exactly what she started doing. She explained a thousand obvious things that Pink didn’t know for some reason or other. She helped with documentation, explained procedures, walked Pink through rehearsing welcoming speeches. Pearl was _teaching_ Pink, which was unheard of. The Diamonds were the eternal teachers of Gemkind. Pearls were mere servants who never knew better.  


But Pearl took it all in stride. It was her Diamond after all. Pearl’s whole existence came down to be of service to her in any way possible. And Pink needed her. Pearl knew that Pink, who was so small and looked so different (looked like Steven) wasn’t the Pink Diamond from before. Pink was… someone new. White did something to her. Well, Pearl’s loyalty stood firm, whichever form Pink took, whoever she was. Pearl was ready to be shattered for her Diamond. It was true back then, and it was true now.  


Pearl sent Spinel a look of distaste. If Spinel didn’t understand, then she didn’t deserve to be near Pink. Didn’t deserve to be near Steven. And Pearl will make sure she stays away from now on.


	23. A decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit late, I didn’t have time to post it yesterday like I was planning to. In any case, here it is now!:3

After Pearl and Spinel left, both Pink and Steven did their own thing for a while. Pink was busy with some documents, and Steven was playing a game on the panel, mindlessly swiping his finger here and there. He was still deep in thought.  


How could his mother just leave Spinel there? Yes, of course she was busy starting a rebellion and protecting Earth, she didn’t have time to worry about a Homeworld gem that she left under her order so cruelly. But after the war was over, his mother lived on Earth for such a long time. Lived in peace, with no war plans and battles to occupy her. Was there really no way for her to contact the garden unnoticed? Was it impossible for her to send a word or two to the gem who was waiting patiently for her return _all this time?_ Well, she never came back. Never sent a word.  


Steven sighed and put the panel away. He couldn’t concentrate on the game at all.  


“What are you thinking about?”  


He turned and saw Pink sending his panel off as well. Both him and Steven were sitting on the pillows in a comfortable manner. Steven shrugged his shoulders. Pink continued looking at him, waiting for an answer. Well, Steven didn’t have anything to do, he might as well share his conflicted thoughts with his gem.  


“I’m still thinking about Spinel,” he said and fell silent. Pink waited patiently for him to continue, so Steven did, “How Rose just _left her_.”  


He always called her Rose while talking to Pink, it was less confusing this way.  


“It wasn’t the kindest thing to do,” Pink nodded. Steven stared. Not the kindest thing? That’s how Pink decided to put it?  


“She stood in this garden for _six thousand years!_ ” Steven cried out angrily.  


“Well, what could Rose do? All the communications within Homeworld and the colonies are tracked at all times. She wouldn’t have been able to stay incognito. The Earth would have been in danger again.”  


Steven narrowed his eyes. “So you don’t care one bit about what happened to Spinel?”  


Pink shrugged his shoulders. “What happened was an unfortunate, but unpredictable turn of events. How could Rose have known that she will never be able to come back to the garden to free Spinel from her order?”  


Steven didn’t know what to say to that. When Pink put it like that, it all sounded so… logical. But Spinel suffered, and that was a direct result of his mother’s actions. According to Pink it was just an ‘unfortunate’ accident. Steven didn’t think so. What he was hoping for was an emotional response. Instead, Pink was giving him cold, logical words.  


“But it’s awful!” Steven said, raising his voice without meaning to. “How can you not care about what happens to your own gems?!”  


Pink sent him an unusually sharp look. He looked almost… offended?  


“Of course I care about what happens to my gems. But I’m a Diamond, Steven. I look at the full picture here, not only Spinel, but other gems and the impact my actions have on these gems. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that if I were in Rose’s place, I would have done the same thing. Rose was protecting a lot of gems, but more than that, she was protecting Earth. That’s a whole world full of creatures she considered worth saving. She knew what kind of sacrifice it took, and she went through with it, no matter how hard it was. Yes, Spinel suffered greatly. But she’s still intact, and she will recover. Earth wouldn’t have, if the Diamonds found out the truth about Rose. In the end, she did all she could.”  


Steven opened his mouth, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. All of it made sense. That didn’t mean he had to like it. Steven always put his emotions first and let logic tag along. Pink was obviously different. It wasn’t the first time that this difference between them shined through, but Steven still didn’t know what to make of it.  


Pink moved closer to him so their knees were almost touching.  


“You do know that this situation and this outcome is not your fault, don’t you?” Pink asked, and Steven shook his head. He still felt bitter, angry and sad. The emotions simmered under his skin like a bad itch that couldn’t be eased.  


“I’m her son.”  


“But you don’t have to carry the burden of her mistakes.” Pink said like it was an undeniable truth. Steven blinked, then said, “I’ve been carrying it all my life, you know.”  


“Now you have me.” Pink’s stare and his voice were adamant. “And I want to fix her mistakes.”  


Steven opened his mouth, at a loss for words. Pink wanted to fix it?  


“And that’s why you sent Spinel to Blue?” he asked incredulously.  


“Blue knows more about handling emotions than I do,” Pink explained as if it made perfect sense. “This problem is of emotional nature.”  


“ _Blue_ knows about handling emotions?”  


Pink looked at him with an expression that clearly said, ‘yes, of course, she’s an expert.’ Steven was sure that none of the Diamonds had any idea how to handle emotions. Pink sending Spinel off without talking to her properly proved his guess more than anything else.  


“I wasn’t talking only about Spinel,” Pink continued. “I thought about what you said, and I’ve come to a decision. I want to change Homeworld.”  


Steven sat completely still for a moment. Then pure joy bloomed in his chest, spreading through his body, making him smile. He stayed silent though, because Pink looked like he wasn’t finished speaking. The gem frowned, looking down on his hands that were folded neatly on his lap. He looked suddenly hesitant and very small. Steven felt the overwhelming urge to hug him, but he had to let Pink finished first.  


“You’re right, I’m not… I’m not happy here. I was never happy here. I don’t think the other Diamonds are happy either. They’re just… going through the motions. But I don’t want to live like this anymore.” Pink looked up, meeting Steven’s gaze. Steven felt his heart beating frantically in his chest. He waited with baited breath. “Because I met you,” Pink finished, smiling softly.  


Steven laughed then, a happy, free, bubbling sound. He felt so light, so… so _everything_. Pink got to his feet and extended his hand to Steven. Steven accepted it, getting up, and his gem twirled him around in a simple dance. After a couple of moments Pink started laughing too, his face glowing with emotions. Steven felt so _whole_ listening to his gem’s laughter that sounded so similar, yet so different from his own. Pink was _right here_. He understood Steven. He believed him. Pink loved him, and Steven loved Pink back.  


At that moment, bright light engulfed them both.  


When Steven opened his eyes, he was alone. Or was he? Something…  


_(What’s going on?)_  


He looked down at his hands. They looked completely normal.  


_(This isn’t right)_  


He felt the familiar, warm sensation of power in his body. It made him suddenly giddy. Steven gasped and pulled his t-shirt up. _His gem was in its place._ Steven felt pure delight seep into him.  


_(No)_  


He twirled in the air, laughing happily.  


_(No no NO)_  


And promptly fell back down, clutching at his head.  


_**Pink.**_  


Steven felt suddenly nauseous, like he was about to throw up and faint at the same time. He pulled at his hair as dark spots started dancing in his vision. Everything was consumed in blinding light again.  


The next thing Steven was aware of was him laying down, curled in a ball. He was crying. Steven had no idea how much time had passed or if he was unconscious just now. His head felt unbearable heavy, but Steven moved anyway, he had to know, had to make sure… Pink was standing right next to him. He looked at Steven with such wild _terror_ that Steven flinched.  


“Pink,” Steven croaked. Pink just stared at him, unmoving, like a glowing statue. Steven gathered the last of his strength and reached for him. Pink was on his feet in an instant.  


“ _ **Don’t touch me!**_ ”  


Steven let out a pained cry, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t move. Everything hurt. Steven laid there, breathing heavily, for an undecipherable amount of time. Why didn’t he pass out yet? Everything was too much, but he was still conscious. The pain was a searing, excruciating thing tearing at him.  


Then he heard Pink’s voice. He was saying something, but Steven couldn’t make sense of the words. Steven felt Pink’s lips press to his cheek, and then he could finally breathe without it feeling like agony. His muscles stopped contracting in painful spasms, what a relief. Pink helped him to sit up. Steven looked at him.  


“Are you alright?” Pink asked. He looked so scared and he sounded worried. His form was trembling under Steven’s touch.  


“Yeah. I think so,” he answered. “Pink, you… we _fused_.”  


Pink’s face contorted in that terrified expression again, and Steven rushed to say, “But we’re okay! And it wasn’t… It’s not…” Steven fell silent then, not knowing what exactly he wanted to say.  


Pink let him go carefully and drew back. The panic was still there on his face. Steven’s heart sank, he felt a lump forming in his throat. Why did Pink look so scared? They were in a fusion before. Wasn’t it supposed to feel… nice? Wasn’t it supposed to feel _right?_  


Pink turned around then and floated down towards the door.  


“Wait, Pink, where are you going? Please, listen, listen to me—”  


There was a sound of the door closing. Steven was left alone. Again.  


*  


Pink had to calm down. He couldn’t let other gems see him in such a disheveled state, especially not right after the ceremony. So when Pink exited his chamber, he ordered Pearl to stay at the chamber’s door in a calm voice. Then he went to his ablution chamber at a leisure pace. The corridor seemed endless. It was so difficult to keep himself from shaking. Or from breaking down in tears right there.  


Finally, Pink reached the door and went into the chamber. Now he was alone. Only then did he let the panic show. The room was engulfed in blinding pink light, the water that was coming from the opening sizzled from how hot the air and Pink’s own form had become. Pink closed his eyes and let his form shudder in fear. His gem pulsated painfully, flickering and glowing brightly.  


He _fused_ with Steven. Pink _**fused**_. He was having a hard time wrapping his mind around that fact. One moment he was twirling Steven in the air, filled with warmth, and love, and trust, and then… then Pink felt something very strange. It felt like he couldn’t fully control his form. No, not even like that. It felt like it wasn’t his form anymore, like it had transformed into something else. His thoughts felt different. He felt an urge to close his eyes and relax into the humming presence of another, and at the same time he didn’t feel like himself fully. _Who_ was Pink when he was in a fusion with Steven? He didn’t know.  


It felt almost like… disappearing. Had he felt like this before? Pink remembered white light and a sense of complete emptiness. It was the first memory in Pink’s existence, his first memory after White destroyed his old self. Somehow the feeling of fusing with Steven tied into that exact memory. And that was terrifying. It was even more terrifying than the fact that Pink fused with an organic creature.  


What was he supposed to do now? He had no idea. His thoughts were colliding into one helpless, lost mess. Pink had to ensure their fusion never happens again, right? It was accidental this time, but Pink had to prevent such an accident from ever happening again. How was he going to accomplish that?  


A proper Diamond would cut all contact with Steven, but Pink refused to even consider that option. A proper Diamond would remind Steven of his place then. He would explain that Steven was just an organic and Pink was a Diamond, so it was simply unacceptable for them to fuse. Pink winced. He didn’t want to hurt Steven. There had to be another way.  


Well, another option was for Pink to continue interacting with Steven without touching him. That thought brought him even more pain and panic. Pink _wanted_ to keep touching Steven. It felt so _nice_. Thinking about never doing it again was… Pink pressed his hand to his pulsating gem in an effort to calm himself. It didn’t help. He started crying then.  


There was an impossible choice before him, and all of the available options seemed to only make the current situation worse. Pink didn’t know what to do. But he was supposed to know, he was a Diamond, _he had to know_.  


Pink had never felt so bad before. When Steven told him about the possibility of change on Homeworld, Pink felt scared and lost too. But he was still in control. It was still Pink’s decision to make. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized that yes, Steven had a point and that yes, Pink could try and change how things were run in their society, if he wanted to.  


Now though. Now Pink felt completely out of control. Instead, there was only panic, fear and helpless tears.  


Some time had passed. Pink opened his eyes. His own reflection in the water stared back. The scared expression on his face made Pink feel revolted. He was pathetic like this. He had to get himself together. Pink could think of a way to fix this, couldn’t he? Tears were still gliding down his cheeks, falling into the water with soft noises, leaving small, quivering marks on the water below. He wiped at his eyes. The panicky feeling settled tightly in his gem. It felt heavy and cold now. But he finally stopped crying and he didn’t make the water around sizzle with heat. He didn’t feel like he was going to fall apart at any moment. That was a considerable improvement.  


First, he had to go back to Steven. Pink was horrified when he saw Steven after they unfused. He was pale, wheezing and shaky, with deep bags under his eyes. After Pink brought himself to touch the human and kiss him, Steven looked much better. But what if he felt worse now? How could Pink leave him like that? He had to go back now.  


The walk back to the chamber felt much faster. The first thing Pink saw when he walked into the chamber was Steven pacing back and forth close to the door. Steven stopped, facing him, and crossed his arms. A gloomy expression settled on his face. Pink tensed, feeling the panic uncurl in his gem again. He pushed back at it, unwilling to let his control slip. He could do this.  


“So you decided to come back,” Steven said in a loud voice. Pink winced. “Pink, are you even aware of my existence? Do you realize that I have feelings too? You just left! Again! You know, last time we unfused I almost died!” he shouted. Died? Pink didn’t know what the word meant, but he didn’t like it. “We were _both_ fused, and we were both feeling _awful_ after, but you keep acting like your feelings matter more than mine! I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to understand what happened! But you just walked out of this room, not sparing me a single thought! You… you left me again.”  


Steven’s body shuddered. He looked angry, hurt and disappointed. Pink felt guilt as if it was a physical presence squeezing his gem. Steven was right. Pink didn’t think about him at all when he left, he was too panicked for coherent thoughts. He let Steven down.  


“I’m sorry, Steven,” Pink said. Then he added, even though he didn’t want to admit it, “I got scared.”  


After that Steven looked even more hurt.  


“But why? You’re… We were fused before. I wasn’t… I wouldn’t hurt you. I thought you would be… glad or something.”  


“I’m a Diamond. I can’t fuse with organic creatures.”  


Pink decided not to mention the terrifying feeling of disappearing that overwhelmed him when they fused.  


“But you’re _my gem!_ You were fused with me all my life!” Steven cried out, and Pink winced again from how raw and wounded he sounded. But Pink told him the truth, didn’t he? What else could he do? What else could he say? He didn’t know. An unbearable, heavy silence settled over them.  


After some time, Steven sighed and said, “Okay, whatever, I got it. So what are you planning to do now?”  


Pink looked at him apprehensively.

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. He wanted to cry again, but that wouldn’t help either of them.  


Steven looked at him tiredly. “Well, I don’t know either,” he said.  


Pink reached for him. Steven watched, but didn’t do more than that. “Steven, I honestly don’t know what I should do. Don’t leave.”  


Steven blinked. Then his gaze softened somewhat. He took two steps that separated them from each other and hugged Pink. Pink relaxed into the embrace immediately.  


“It’s okay. I won’t leave,” Steven said quietly.


	24. I will trust you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Pink’s state of mind in this and the next chapter is summed up by this song: The Neighbourhood – Compass.  
> Also masturbation and mutual masturbation present in this chapter.

They didn’t talk more about fusing. What was there more to discuss? Pink made his position very clear. He was a Diamond, and Steven was a human. They couldn’t fuse. Steven was… beneath him somehow, so Pink had no desire to fuse with him. Steven was hurt and disappointed, but he would never pressure or force another gem to fuse. Even if Pink was his gem, he was his own person now. He had a right to make his own choices, and if one of them was not to fuse with Steven, then Steven will put his own feelings aside and respect that choice.  


And anyway, there were more important things to talk about, like changing Homeworld together. But they didn’t talk about that either. All through last week Pink was away most of the time, and when he was in the same room with Steven, he looked so exhausted that Steven kept putting off any important conversations. The only thing Steven knew was that after the ceremony the list of his gem’s responsibilities had grown. And also that White Diamond was very angry with Pink for some reason. When Steven tried to ask Pink what he was busy with on his panel, the gem looked grim and didn’t talk about anything specific. Steven didn’t push him.  


It was really hard to be locked up like this, but Steven figured that they would talk sooner or later. When Pink didn’t look so stressed out. Steven could wait. That was his only option anyway.  


*  


Steven was floating in some vague, pleasant dream. He thought he dreamt about Earth, and then Connie was there, and then… Steven woke up and blinked. Then turned to his side and froze, because Pink was sitting close, staring at him.  


“I thought I told you to leave me alone when I’m sleeping,” Steven grumbled, sitting up and wiping at his eye. The gem didn’t answer him, and when Steven looked at him, Pink’s gaze was fixed lower. Steven looked down and flushed bright red. His jeans didn’t hide his morning erection.  


“I’m, uh…” he started and then looked at his gem again. Pink’s gaze was as intense as usual. For some moments Steven just looked at him, trying to shake off the deep thrum of want inside himself. God, he wanted Pink so much. Steven wished he could touch him now. This thought wasn’t uncomfortable anymore. Instead, it made him even harder.  


Steven’s face must have betrayed him, because Pink slowly spread his legs, still sitting up. One of his hands sneaked under his skirt and it rode up, revealing his shorts which were very close fitting and very short. Steven swallowed, feeling a shiver of anticipation run down his spine. He couldn’t look away, the last thing he wanted to do was to look away.  


Pink pressed his hand between his legs firmly and moved it in one slow motion. A moan escaped his lips. The gem was looking at Steven as if he was waiting for him to make a move. His form glowed a little brighter. He looked… open, and unashamed, and _stunning_. Steven should be on his way to the bathroom, he had to give Pink some privacy. But he was so hard and he wanted keep looking.  


“Pink…” Steven started and fell silent. He wanted to _touch_ him, he always did lately. This constant urge was so much harder to ignore now, with pink eyes boring into him and Pink’s hand pressed where it was.  


“Steven,” Pink moaned softly, and Steven felt a wave of heat pass through his body, heading lower, straight to his cock. He wanted to touch Pink for so long. What would happen if he gave in?  


Steven moved a little closer, so that their knees were touching. Even this simple contact made Pink moan and close his shining diamond eyes for a moment. He was obviously relishing in the touch, just like Steven did. Steven moved closer and kissed him. Pink’s form shuddered and he moaned into the kiss. Steven was unsure at first, but the longer the kiss lasted, the bolder he got. Steven caught Pink’s soft, short moans with his own mouth and it was exactly what he wanted. Maybe he felt guilty. Maybe he felt ashamed for indulging in his desires like that. But it felt so _good_. It felt _right_.  


He pressed his hand to Pink’s chest, and his gem took the hint, lowering himself on the pillows, spreading his legs even more, giving Steven space to be on top. Steven felt another instant, sharp wave of arousal. Kissing Pink felt so good, and being in control made everything feel even better.  


Steven had no idea what he was doing. But he was tired of analyzing his feelings for Pink over and over. He always came to the same conclusion. He _wanted_ Pink. He wanted to have all his love and make him feel amazing in return. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was wrong. But Pink wanted to give Steven _so much_. And Steven, as fucked up as it was, wanted all of it.  


Steven touched Pink’s chest with his hand again, then moved it lower. When he touched the gem on his stomach, Pink whimpered into the kiss. If Steven was touching himself right now, he would have surely come from that sound alone. Pink’s hand was in his way a little, it was pressed between their bodies because Pink was trying to pleasure himself while they were kissing.  


Steven moved away, breaking the kiss. Could he… touch Pink there too? He imagined doing it before, but now that they were so close and kissing and turned on, maybe Steven could ask for permission to actually do it? Thinking about touching Pink in such an intimate way gave Steven pleasant shivers.  


“Is something wrong?” Pink asked, and Steven looked at him. Their faces were still very close. Pink’s pupils were huge, his body shining. He was breathing, Steven realized. He had never bothered with that before. Steven liked his hasty, panting exhales and the rise and fall of his chest.  


“No, nothing is wrong, I was just… wondering if I could…” Could he ask for such a thing? Steven had never touched anyone like that before. Embarrassment burned in the back of his throat. Steven swallowed and forced the question out of his mouth before he could change his mind, “Can I touch you… down there?”  


Pink blinked. “You want to touch my vagina?” he asked, and Steven felt his face heat up. God, his gem was straightforward. Steven nodded.  


“I want you to,” Pink said with something close to awe and looked at Steven like he was the only one who existed in the world right now. It was so hot that Steven had to stifle his own moan.  


Steven hesitated a moment longer, and then reached to press his hand carefully between his gem’s spread legs. Pink moaned, a drawn-out, melodious thing this time. It sounded more like a fragment of some distant, secret song. Steven’s mouth opened. He had never heard Pink make sounds like _this_. Steven moved his hand carefully, and Pink gave another singing moan. His eyes didn’t leave Steven’s face. Pink helped him set a rhythm, and then Steven could do it himself carefully and watch as his gem moaned helplessly under him, relaxed and pliant and _his_. Every breathy moan he gave seemed to evoke an answering sweet, shivering sensation inside Steven. Steven had no idea that it would feel like this. He loved it, and Pink loved it, judging by his eager look and the pleased, warbling sounds that escaped his lips. Steven’s hard cock was pressing into the fabric of his jeans uncomfortably, but he was so focused on Pink right now that he barely noticed it.  


“Faster,” Pink sighed, his hips jerking up. He helped Steven find a faster, more intense pace. His wrist started to hurt from the uncomfortable angle, but Steven didn’t think about stopping, not yet, not when his gem looked like this. Pink’s face wore a pleading, adoring expression and it was captivating. Steven wanted everything his gem could give him. Pink belonged to him now. He saw Pink shut his eyes and moan brokenly, and that made Steven move his hand faster, pressing down gently, just like Pink showed him. Pink’s body convulsed, shining brighter, his moaning song flew to a higher note and then faded away in a beautiful final wave. Steven pulled away then, sitting back on the pillows, feeling a slight wetness under his hand. He blinked, trying to calm his breath. He was still so hard it hurt. What happened was… Pink just bared himself to Steven in the most intimate of ways, and it was _**amazing**_. And definitely something Steven wanted to see again.  


Steven got up, meaning to go to the bathroom, but Pink reached for his arm. The gem stretched out on the pillows languidly, his eyes were half-lidded, his expression relaxed. He still managed to look graceful and dignified somehow.  


“Can I touch you?” Pink asked, and then turned his gaze lower. Steven… wasn’t sure he was ready for that. _He just made Pink come_. That was… new, to say the least, and he wasn’t ready for more yet.  


“I’d rather you don’t,” Steven said with effort. He’d had enough experiments for one day. Pink looked disappointed, but he let his outstretched hand fall.  


Steven exhaled and made his way to the bathroom. When he closed the door behind himself, Steven leaned on it, closing his eyes. He felt ashamed, true, but he didn’t regret anything. He wanted to touch Pink, and he was thinking about pleasuring him for a while now, however fucked up it was. And he succeeded with that, making a panting, helpless mess out of a Diamond. It felt so good.  


Something changed in Steven in all the time they spent together. Maybe it was Pink’s behavior that prompted the change or maybe it was Steven himself. He didn’t know. What he did know was that he wanted Pink all for himself. That… was probably unhealthy. Not normal. But Steven’s whole life was the definition of “not normal”. And Pink wouldn’t leave him. It felt nice to touch him, to kiss him. Did Steven even care about normal anymore? It was his life, and it was his choice, after all.  


*  


When he came back to the platform, Pink was sitting on the pillows with a determined look on his face, typing something on his panel. Steven noticed the sign of White Diamond on it and tensed.  


“Are you writing to her?” he asked, coming closer. Pink nodded absentmindedly, sent the message and then put the panel away. Steven decided to try and breach the unpleasant topic again.  


“What’s happening between you and White?” he asked, sitting down next to the gem. Pink’s hands curled into fists. All the traces of his previous relaxed state were gone. Steven thought that his gem was going to stay silent, or try to evade the question like he did before, but instead Pink started talking.  


“She didn’t want you to attend the ceremony. I brought you anyway. I disobeyed her without masking it with politeness or bargaining. She’s enraged, but she can’t do anything. Except…” He fell silent, then looked Steven in the eye and finished, “She wants to take away my colony.”  


Dread slowly settled in Steven’s body and he felt hot and cold all at once.  


“She wants to take away Earth?” he asked in a small voice, and Pink nodded.  


“I didn’t want to tell you.”  


“Earth is my _home_ , my _whole family_ is there,” Steven cried out. His hands started to shake. “You should have told me that my home is in danger!”  


“I didn’t want to worry you. And it’s not in danger.”  


“Pink,” Steven took hold of his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye, feeling his panic grow. “What is going to happen to Earth?”  


“Nothing,” the gem answered.  


“Tell me the truth!” he shouted back, tightening his grip on Pink. White wanted the colony for one reason, and Steven knew exactly what it was. _She wanted to blow the planet to bits_.  


“Steven, calm down and breathe,” Pink said, and Steven tried to, but how could he when his home and everyone he cared about were in danger? Pink’s gaze was unwavering when he said, “I _am_ telling you the truth. She can’t just take it away from me.”  


“She can’t?” Steven echoed. He relaxed his grip and then took his hands off Pink’s shoulders, sitting back down. He continued looking at Pink intently, waiting for an explanation. Pink rested one of his hands on Steven’s knee and squeezed gently.  


“I’m a Diamond too, and it’s _my_ colony. The only thing she can do is try to manipulate me into giving it up, which is exactly what she has been trying to do.”  


“But you won’t give it up?” Steven asked, almost pleading.  


Pink looked at him, and his expression softened. He touched Steven’s cheek lightly with his other hand.  


“I won’t,” he said. “White has no leverages for negotiation. I have everything under control.”  


They were quiet for some moments, and then Pink added, “You are, in all honesty, my only leverage.”  


Steven flushed, lowering his gaze. Then an uncomfortable thought crossed his mind.  


“So White could try and take _me_ away from you, then?”  


“She could,” Pink said. The hand on Steven’s cheek disappeared. “If she finds a way to take you somewhere I can’t easily follow—”  


And then Steven got it. Just like that. It was obvious what they had to do. It was the only thing they could do. Why didn’t he think about it earlier?  


“But she won’t,” Steven interrupted and looked at his gem again. Pink lifted an eyebrow. “We need to talk to her.”  


A look of pure astonishment crossed Pink’s face, quickly forming into doubt.  


“You want to change Homeworld, right?” Steven rushed to explain. “Then we should start with White. She—”  


“She won’t listen,” Pink interrupted in a cold, flat voice that made Steven flinch. He looked grim, his lips pressed into a tight line, his brow furrowed. The look in his eyes was… haunted and hurt and enraged all at once. Steven had no idea what he was thinking about in that moment, what kind of memory or thought triggered that look.  


“She didn’t listen to you before, why do you think it will be any different now?” Pink added in a biting tone.  


“Because now I have you,” Steven said softly.  


The haunted look faded away slowly, and then Pink looked at him with his usual intensity. “What?”  


“You are a Diamond, you said it yourself. She didn’t listen to me, that’s true. But she might listen to _you_.”  


“She didn’t listen to Yellow and Blue,” Pink countered.  


“You’re not Yellow and you’re not Blue.” Steven took his hand and smiled with all the encouragement he could muster. “You are _you_. And you are amazing, Pink. If anyone can change White’s mind, it’s you. I know it. Yellow and Blue can help us. And I can help you. We can change Homeworld, together.”  


Pink stared at him with such raw feeling, such faith, that Steven forgot how to breathe for a moment.  


“Well, if you believe in me so, then… I will trust you,” Pink said quietly, squeezing Steven’s hand in his.


	25. The plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m late with the update again, but my classes have started so the updating schedule may get erratic now! Well, there aren’t that many chapters left overall. This one is more of a build up for the next two.  
> Also mutual masturbation present in this chapter.

Steven wanted to have a talk with White Diamond as soon as possible. Pink didn’t think that was such a good idea.  


“What we need is a plan,” he said and, well, maybe be was right. Steven himself wasn’t that good at coming up with plans. More often than not he found himself in convince-this-gem-or-die kind of situations, so improvisation was definitely his thing. Pink didn’t think it would work with White though, and there were a thousand details he wanted to discuss before making any actual change. Steven never thought he would be talking so much politics, but here he was, helping Pink figure out how Homeworld hierarchy will work once they start implementing change. 

What they were planning to do was actually called “changing the ruling structure of Homeworld and shifting the main existential priorities of Homeworld gems”. That was what Pink said anyway. Steven couldn’t really talk in fancy words like his gem did, but that didn’t mean he was out of ideas. There were so many questions Pink wanted to find clear answers to. The Diamonds will remain the leaders of Homeworld, but what will their role now be? How much of their power over other gems should the Diamonds retain? How will the existing colonies operate now? How will the new gems be grown? What will happen to all the war tech and the gems whose sole purpose was to conquer? How will all this change affect the lives of Homeworld gems and what will their reaction be?  


Steven helped his gem find some answers and clear some things up, but mostly he tried to mitigate Pink’s urge to get to the root of every little thing. Right now they couldn’t know anything for sure. They didn’t even know what their conversation with White was going to lead to, much less how gem society will look like when they start to challenge the concepts it was operating with. They couldn’t predict much, and that was what Steven tried to explain to Pink.  


His gem worried a lot. Pink cared about Homeworld and his gems, even though he didn’t show it much. He wanted to make their lives better and he was determined to get others to listen to him. Steven’s heart melted every time he watched Pink go through the details of their plan with intensity Steven only saw directed at himself before. Pink was a good leader, and the expanse of his knowledge when it came to ruling systems and gems’ societal structures was astonishing. Steven had no idea that gem society was so intricate, he hadn’t really had the chance to learn anything about Homeworld before. Now the opportunity presented itself.  


Their discussions of the plan were sometimes short and other times long, but always far in between. Pink had a lot of new responsibilities, and he had to excel at all of them so White wouldn’t have anything to nitpick at. Steven spent long periods of time stuck in the room again, and it was difficult, but not as difficult as before. Now he knew that he wasn’t going to be stuck on Homeworld forever. Steven was genuinely hopeful for the first time in a long time. They weren’t just talking about changing Homeworld now, they had an actual plan! It was something real, it showed that Pink was serious in his intentions. They were going to save Earth together. Steven will be able to go back to his family. Sometimes he let himself dream of how it will happen. How they will touch down on the Earth’s surface, and how he will race to their house and finally hug Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. How Connie will arrive on Lion and they will laugh happily, and he will twirl her, and his dad will be there too, crying, and Steven will probably be crying too…  


All in all, Steven was thrilled. He wished he could share some of his joy with Peridot, but he couldn’t, not through the panel. They talked a lot anyway, mostly just chatting about random things. She had it worse than him. Peridot was locked up in her cell with only her panel to tinker with, and because Steven was all set with “life supporting conditions” Peridot had absolutely nothing to do. Steven tried to entertain her by sending in requests for stuff that he didn’t actually need, but there were only so many things that Peridot knew how to construct. So they were both stuck in their respective cells for now.  


More than two months had passed since him and Pink first started talking about implementing change. During all this time, Steven had met with Peridot twice. He was so happy to see her, even though their meetings were short as to not draw any suspicion. Steven told her in vague words that everything was going well with his plan, and that seemed to lift her spirits. It was exactly what he wanted her to do, to hold out until Steven and Pink were done with all the arrangements. He didn’t let himself think further. He didn’t let himself think about what will happen if their plan fails.  


*  


It was another one of the long days that they spent trying to make sense of yet another detail of their plan. They were thinking about how to disband the vast armies of Homeworld that will be out of purpose and how to arrange the lives of war gems in a way that would prevent them from doing anything dangerous. “Homeworld armies are a powerful force to be reckoned with”, as Pink put it. It went without saying that all of the gems were devoted to the Diamonds with their every thought. But without having any clear purpose and with advanced tech and weapons on their hands, who knew what these gems who were trained to fight could do? Steven remembered Peridot’s talk with Yellow Diamond, how disappointed she was that Yellow didn’t live up to the perfect image Peridot had in her own head. How Peridot rebelled and turned away from her Diamond. Obviously, it helped that she spent time on Earth, discovering another way of living and learning how to think for herself. But what if some war gems decided that they’ve had enough of the Diamonds after they have been disbanded? They didn’t need another war on their hands.  


When Pink showed him the lists of Homeworld fleets, Steven’s heart sank. There were _so many_ of them, all sent out to different ends of the Universe to find more worlds to destroy. The task of turning them all to more peaceful activities seemed enormous. They tried to share some ideas, but soon Steven got a headache, and his thoughts started running in circles. Steven sighed, ruffled his hair and said, “I wanted to ask you about Pearl.”  


Pink, who was sitting close and typing something on his panel, looked at him, lifting an eyebrow. Steven was just as surprised at his own words as Pink was. He meant to ask some thing or other about the fleets, but his mind went in a completely different direction. Well, Steven had been thinking about it for a while now, so why not have this conversation now? He felt like he couldn’t contribute anything meaningful to the plan now anyway.  


“What is she doing while we are busy with… all this?”  


Pink frowned. He looked like he had never given it much thought before.  


“She’s waiting for my orders,” he said, and it sounded almost like a question. Steve cringed.  


“For _hours?_ ”  


“What else would she be doing?” Pink looked like he honestly thought Pearl could do nothing else other than wait for another command to come.  


“You’re saying it like her whole existence is centered around you and your orders,” Steven said in a flat voice. Pink opened his mouth, looking like he was ready to contradict. Then he closed it and frowned again, thinking.  


“Yes,” he admitted finally.  


“Pink, what do you think we’ve been doing all this time? We’re planning to undermine this exact thought! That gems are only fit to do what they were made to do. You should ask her what _she_ wants to do instead of coming to conclusions by yourself!”  


Pink seemed to be deep in thought again. Steven waited patiently. After a couple of minutes, Pink got up and went for the stairs leading to the flat part of the room. Steven followed. When they got down, Pink opened the door with a wave of his hand.  


“Pearl, come in,” he ordered. She stepped inside and saluted instantly, as graceful as ever.  


“My iridescent Diamond,” she said, her voice soft and sweet.  


Pink was quiet for some moments. Steven was too. Pink had to do this, to figure it out by himself, it was important that he did.  


“Pearl,” Pink started hesitantly, then looked at Steven and continued, his voice turning self-assured, “What would you like to do, Pearl, if you could choose?”  


Pearl froze, her smile still in place but her stance wary now.  


“What exactly do you mean, my Diamond?”  


“If I gave you a freedom to choose, what would you want your activity to be?”  


“What are the options, my Diamond?” Pearl asked, bowing her head politely.  


“I do not provide them,” Pink answered, sounding exasperated. Steven put his hand on the glowing pink arm. His gem looked at him and finished in a calmer tone, “You need to choose yourself.”  


Pearl was silent for some moments. Steven started to worry that she didn’t understand what was it that Pink wanted from her, when Pearl said, “I would like to assist my Diamond in whatever it is that she is busy with.”  


Steven smiled brightly and looked at Pink. He looked surprised and pleased. Of course, it was the first time he heard what another gem actually wanted without deciding it for them.  


“And that’s… what _you_ want to be doing?” Pink asked again.  


“Yes, my Diamond,” she nodded.  


“But why?” Pink looked as if he really didn’t understand why she would want to help him of her own free will.  


“Because Pink Diamond is my Diamond,” Pearl said like it was obvious. Pink didn’t look convinced.  


“Naturally it is your responsibility, but is it what you yourself want?”  


Pearl looked him straight in the eye then, brow creasing. “Yes. I want to be of help to my Diamond.”  


For a couple of moments Pink just looked at her with suspicion. Steven didn’t say anything, but he was wondering why would Pink be suspicious of Pearl wanting to help him?  


Then Pink turned to Steven and said, “I think she doesn’t understand what is being asked of her.”  


Steven opened his mouth, but at that moment Pearl said, “I’m sorry to intervene, my Diamond, but I do understand what being given a choice means.” Both of them looked at her. Steven thought Pearl looked… annoyed. She continued in a sharp tone, “A gem begins to cherish an ability to choose for themselves after spending thousands of years under someone else’s control.”  


Steven immediately felt guilty and embarrassed for Pink’s flippant comment. And how could Steven himself forget that Pearl spent so much time under White Diamond’s control?  


“I’m sorry, Pearl,” Steven said. Pearl looked at him, surprised.  


“Sorry?”  


“It must have been awful, not being able to control yourself and make your own choices. I’m sorry that it happened to you.”  


Her puzzled expression morphed into one of gentle sadness. She smiled again, with sincerity this time.  


“It’s okay, Steven,” she said.  


“If you really want to help me…” Pink started, and both Pearl and Steven looked at him. “Then tell me, Pearl, what would you do with Homeworld armies if there was no need for colonization anymore?”  


Pearl was silent for a couple of moments.  


“I would disband them, my Diamond.”  


“Yes, but what then? What would you order them to do? What would their purpose be? What will they be doing?” Pink asked again and again, looking at Pearl as if she held all the answers now. Pearl stood firm under his scrutinizing stare.  


“There is always something to do, isn’t it?” she answered calmly. “You could also ask them what they think. Like you asked me.”  


Pink looked at Steven then. Steven shrugged. It was a good answer. The gems themselves were the key part of their plan, after all. Of course Pink worried and fretted, going into details and dragging Steven with him. But maybe they were overthinking. Maybe it didn’t have to be that complicated. Maybe Pearl was right.  


“I think it’s a very good thought, Pearl,” Steven said, smiling.  


“I’m glad that Steven likes it.”  


“Yes, it is a reasonable thought,” Pink said, and Pearl blushed lightly, lowering her gaze.  


“I’m happy that my Diamond thinks so,” she said, her voice subdued. Steven looked at Pink curiously, but he didn’t seem to notice anything.  


“I would like to spend a quarter of a cycle with Steven without anything else bothering me,” Pink continued, looking at Pearl. “Pearl, can you manage the incoming documents and make sure no one will bother us?”  


“Of course, my Diamond,” she answered.  


“Splendid. And Pearl,” he met her eyes again, “do not report to White about this meeting and our conversation. That’s an order.”  


“Yes, my Diamond.”  


“That will be all,” he said and she left. When the door closed behind her, Steven turned to Pink and asked, “Does she report everything to White?”  


“Certainly,” Pink said, turning and heading back up the stairs. Steven was right behind him.  


“So Pearl is basically spying on you for her?” Steven frowned. He didn’t like the sound of that at all.  


“White wants to keep me in check,” Pink shrugged like it was no big deal. They got up, and Steven sat cross-legged on the pillows, resting his hands on his knees. Pink mirrored his pose, staring back at him.  


“White knows that I’ve changed. Two times already I went against her will openly, and both times I got exactly what I wanted,” the gem continued. Steven was listening intently. He didn’t really understand the relationship Pink had with other Diamonds, especially with White. She seemed so… distant, so different. Unreachable, and not only because of how tall she was.  


“The first time was when you brought me along for the ceremony,” Steven mused. “When was the second time?”  


“When I learnt about your existence and decided to take you to Homeworld,” Pink answered carefully.  


“So you disobeyed White twice, all because of me?” Steven asked. Pink nodded. Steven felt embarrassed, but he wanted to know more. “What did you… What did you tell her?”  


“That I refuse to rule unless I can take you,” Pink answered, looking very satisfied with himself. Steven stared.  


“You were ready to deny your purpose like that… for me?”  


Pink answered him with a confused look.  


“Of course. Without you nothing makes sense,” he said it like it was an undeniable truth. Steven blushed, lowering his gaze. That… the way Pink said that felt really nice.  


“You’re the only one I want,” Pink continued in a low voice, leaning closer. Was he doing it on purpose? Steven looked up, planning to say something, but lost his thought. Pink moved even closer. There was a smug look on his face, and he was _smirking_ , eyes shining brightly.  


“I like how you get red in the face,” Pink whispered. “It means that you like the things that I’m saying.”  


“Pink, you…” Steven started, trailing off when Pink leaned closer still. Steven’s face felt so hot.  


“I would really like to kiss you now. If that’s alright?”  


“Didn’t you… want to talk about something important?” Steven tried.  


“That can wait,” Pink said and then looked at him expectantly. Steven sighed. Usually when Pink got distracted like that, Steven was quick to get them back on track with the plan, talking about some important thing or other. But well, his gem could be very convincing when he wanted to be. He disobeyed White twice, all because of Steven. The thought filled him with warmth. Some selfish part of Steven was glad that he mattered so much to his gem. More than anyone else did or ever will.  


“Okay,” Steven said, giving in, and the next moment Pink was kissing him. The kiss was gentle, slow and sweet. Pink rested one of his hands on Steven’s waist, and the other in his hair, tugging at it carefully, twirling the strands, and it felt really nice. Steven moaned into the kiss. Pink pulled back a bit and moved lower, leaving wet kisses on Steven’s neck, muttering, “My Steven, mine, mine…”  


That was very turning on. Steven gasped, feeling heat pool in his stomach, slipping lower, right to his cock. He wanted to moan again, but he didn’t want to be too loud. He bit his lip instead and raised his chin higher, giving more space for Pink’s kisses. After he left a dozen bites on Steven’s neck, Pink returned to his mouth and they started kissing again. Steven felt himself getting more turned on by the second.  


Somehow he ended up lying on his back with Pink pressed flush against him, and even though the position was open and left him vulnerable, Steven wasn’t scared. He knew he could say no. He knew his gem would listen if he did. So he let himself melt against Pink’s body and enjoy his kisses and light touches. At some point Pink pulled back, and Steven gave a disappointed moan which he was ashamed of a second later. Steven was panting, he felt needy and flushed, and his jeans were tight and uncomfortable. Receiving pleasure felt different from giving it. When Steven was the one pleasuring Pink he felt confident in his actions and ready in a way. Somehow he didn’t feel confident at all right now.  


“Can I touch your cock?” Pink asked in his usual straightforward way, and Steven had the urge to cover his face with his hands in embarrassment. Instead he just moaned softly again. Pink was staring down at him, and his eyes were glazed over, his mouth slightly parted. He looked mesmerized. Did Steven… want Pink to touch him like that? He really did. Could he trust Pink? He… thought he could now. Steven wanted to feel close to him, and he was so hard, so he whispered, “Please, Pink…”  


Pink moved instantly, pressing his hand between Steven’s legs, staring at him with eyes glowing bright and pupils blown large. He unbuckled and unzipped Steven’s jeans. Steven held his breath, tensing, but helped Pink pull them down a little. Then Pink touched him. Steven’s cock twitched, and he gave a broken moan.  


“Steven,” Pink whispered, then gripped his cock firmly and pulled. Steven moaned again, his eyes shutting. It felt so _good_. Pink was squeezing him, moving his hand, Steven had his touch like he wanted, finally. The thought sent a flutter of pleasure down his spine. Steven pulled his t-shirt up, uncovering his stomach. He didn’t want to get come on his clothes. The look Pink gave him seeing more naked skin made Steven’s breath catch in his throat for a moment.  


“Please, faster,” Steven said, feeling the shivering pleasure build up. His skin felt so sensitive, so hot and he couldn’t stop moaning. When Pink complied, moving his hand faster, squeezing almost painfully tight, it felt so good that Steven’s whole body tensed, chasing the pleasure, that was building up and up, fast, strong, relentless, until it was too much. Steven cracked his eyes open to look at Pink, catching his adoring stare, and that did it. Steven came, letting out another drawn out moan. There were no thoughts in his head for some moments, just pure heavenly feeling. Then slowly, the thoughts returned. Steven felt himself float back to reality. God, that was just… incredible. His gem was still close, and his gaze was intense.  


“Did you like it?” Pink asked with a touch of uncertainty, and Steven smiled, “Yeah. I really did.”  


Pink relaxed and smiled back. Steven looked down, and yes, his stomach was covered in his own come. It was a lot, a total mess. He groaned, annoyed, not wanting to deal with it and make it into an even bigger mess.  


“I think I need a—”  


At that moment, Pink decided to bend down and lick at a streak of his come.  


“Oh my God,” Steven squeaked. He had no idea why Pink just did _that_. The gem sat back up, licking his lips with a contemplative look on his face. Steven couldn’t decide if what he did was hot or mortifying. Maybe both.  


“I like it,” the gem said finally. “Tastes like you.”  


Steven felt ready to faint from the embarrassment.  


“You don’t mind?” Pink asked, and Steven shook his head. Then the gem bent down again and started licking Steven’s come off his stomach. If Steven hadn’t just come, he would have surely got hard again.  


When he was done, Pink took Steven’s cock in his mouth. Before Steven could protest, Pink pressed on it gently with his hand, getting the last drops of come. Then Pink pulled away and sat back up. Steven covered his face with his hands, burning with shame. Where did Pink even _learn_ that? And why was he so… unaffected by it?! It must be nice not to feel shame, Steven thought to himself.  


“Now we can talk,” Pink said, and Steven lowered his hands. The gem looked very satisfied with himself. He pulled Steven’s jeans back up and zipped them, as if nothing had happened. As if he wasn’t just licking come right off Steven’s stomach.  


“Don’t you want to, um…” Steven made a noncommittal gesture in the direction of Pink’s skirt.  


“Later,” Pink smiled. “We have to deal with work first.”  


“Oh, so what you just did was part of your ‘work’?” Steven asked innocently, lifting his eyebrows.  


“Of course. It was of utmost importance,” Pink smirked. Steven realized he won’t be able to beat his gem at his own game. Steven was usually no good at teasing. He sighed, feeling the embarrassment fade away into the feeling of calm. He was relaxed and he didn’t want to move, didn’t want to think. So he kept laying sprawled on the pillows, almost sleepy.  


Pink moved so he was sitting close to Steven’s head. He curled one hand into Steven’s hair, looking thoughtful. Steven waited for him to speak patiently. He was starting to doze off, when Pink finally did.  


“In my musings on how our gems’ lives will work with the upcoming changes, I forgot that our plan was to make said gems part of the picture. To build the new way of living together with them.”  


“Yeah, maybe we got carried away with all your questions and details,” Steven said, and then yawned involuntarily.  


“This kind of freedom…” Pink was silent for some moments before continuing, “Won’t it be too much for those who spent thousands of years following orders?”  


For the first time since they started working on the plan, Pink looked unsure. Steven put his hand on Pink’s arm, and the gem looked at him.  


“We need to believe in them,” Steven said, not doubting for a second. “We need to give them a chance to change. No one ever gave them that chance.”  


Pink’s tense stare softened somewhat.  


“You are incredible, Steven,” he said quietly and so lovingly that Steven blushed again, smiling shyly. Pink nodded to himself then, and his expression turned serious. “Well, no need to postpone it any longer. I will schedule a meeting with Yellow and Blue. And after we’ve talked to them, we can schedule a meeting with White.”  


Steven nodded. In that moment, he felt elated, and scared, and shaken all at once. And so happy. They were finally doing it. They were about to change all of Homeworld, and they were going to do it together.


	26. Yellow and Blue

Yellow and Blue agreed to meet with them during the next cycle already. Pink was pleased. He didn’t want to get any more nervous than he already was. They were going to do something no one had ever done before. They were going to strive for change. They were going to call into question White herself. It was a pivotal moment not only for Pink himself, but for Homeworld society as a whole. It was natural for him to feel anxious, but that didn’t mean he had to like it. Pink was trying to maintain constant contact with Steven, touching his hand or twirling the strands of his hair, looking at him. It helped ground him a little.  


Finally, the time for their meeting came and they went out of the chamber, heading for one of Pink’s reception rooms. Pink put on his most confident look, even though he still felt anxiety pressing on his gem, making him feel constricted in his own form. Steven was silent, walking beside him, and the nervousness shone clear on his face.  


“Pink Diamond, Yellow Diamond is awaiting you,” Yellow Pearl announced loudly, saluting, once they got to the door of the room.  


“Blue Diamond is awaiting you, Pink Diamond,” Blue Pearl said much more calmly and quietly.  


“Pearl, wait outside,” Pink ordered and then they went into the huge room with pink glittering walls. Yellow and Blue were sitting on two chairs designed for them. To Pink’s surprise, another gem was present in the room. It was Spinel. She was making a fool out of herself on Blue’s armrest. Blue was smiling gently and Yellow was casting curious looks at the two of them from time to time. Spinel was the last gem Pink was expecting to see at their meeting. Wasn’t their talk supposed to be private? Pink was sure he made that very clear. He didn’t want to start the conversation with arguing, so he took it in stride.  


“Pink!” Blue exclaimed, turning to look at him. “We haven’t seen you for so long!”  


He nodded in acknowledgment. “I was busy.”  


“And Steven is with you, that’s splendid!”  


“Hello, Yellow, hello, Blue,” Steven greeted them. He sounded unsure. Pink reached out and took his hand. Steven blushed, but didn’t pull away.  


“We were wondering how you two were doing,” Blue said softly, not looking away from them. Pink felt his gem constrict uncomfortably. He didn’t know what to say to that, how to react to the gentle expression on her face.  


“I suppose you have a good reason to meet with us like that,” Yellow said then, and some of the tension left Pink. He turned to look at her. Yes, serious conversations and politics. That was what he was good at, not feelings.  


“Yes, we do. We came to talk with you about the possibility of change on Homeworld.”  


“What kind of change?” Yellow asked, narrowing her eyes. Pink felt a twinge of uncertainty then. Could he really do it? Could he talk to them like a Diamond in his own right? Could he convince them? He felt Steven squeezing his hand, and looked at him for a moment. Steven smiled encouragingly at him. Steven believed in him. It was time Pink believed in himself too. He turned back to Yellow and started talking, loud and clear.  


“We want to change the way things are run on Homeworld. We want to change how our caste system works. I want our gems to be able to choose for themselves what it is they want to do with their lives. I want to change the notion of our gems being allowed to exist only if they fit a strict set of rules.” Yellow and Blue were looking at him with wide, surprised eyes. Pink kept talking, undeterred. “I want to find another way of making new gems, without destroying other planets, without colonizing and sucking everything out until an empty shell is all that is left. What we are doing now,” he leveled them both with an unyielding stare, then gestured with his hand, “it’s not working. And I know that you both know that. I want all our work to _matter_. I want _us_ to matter. I’m tired of pretending that things are perfect when they’re not. The way things are run now…” Their stares were still baffled, but Yellow’s turned intense, and she was catching his every word. Pink said, “It doesn’t make me happy. And I know it doesn’t make you happy either.”  


When he was done talking, an absolute silence settled over them. Even Spinel stopped her ridiculous bouncing to look at him. The Diamonds still looked truly shocked, and Pink began to worry. He had no idea how they were going to react to his speech.  


“But Pink, you’re…” Blue started finally, looking lost. She turned to Yellow. “Yellow, she’s—”  


“My pronouns,” Pink cut her off, voice becoming cold, “are ‘he’, ‘him’ and ‘his’. Like Steven’s.”  


Blue blinked slowly, then said, “But we tried to help you change White’s mind. That didn’t end… too well.”  


She looked at Yellow for support. Yellow was sitting with her pensive look turned towards Pink and him alone.  


“Are you planning on talking to White? To try and convince her again?” Yellow asked, settling her chin on her hand. Pink nodded.  


“And what makes you think that you will succeed?” she continued, yellow eyes boring into him.  


“I know that I will. I’m not afraid of her anymore,” Pink said with certainty radiating off of every word. That was true. Long gone were the times when Pink was afraid of White Diamond, her word and her power. But he knew that Yellow and Blue were afraid. He could see it. He could sense it.  


Yellow hummed thoughtfully. Then turned to Blue.  


“He changed,” she said, and Pink felt warmth bloom inside him, vibrating from his gem. He _did_ change. And Yellow was openly acknowledging it. It felt so _nice_. It felt as if something became right between him and Yellow then, like a piece of a puzzle slotting into place.  


“And what if White decides to take control of you?” Blue asked, looking at Pink with wide, scared eyes.  


There was a possibility of that. They talked about it with Steven before. It was a risk that Pink was willing to take. He opened his mouth to say exactly that when Blue exclaimed, “But she won’t be able to, if you two fuse!”  


That made Pink freeze up where he stood. He thought about that too. But he couldn’t bring himself to try and fuse with Steven again. He was too scared, the panic from their last attempt too fresh in his mind.  


“You could even fuse now, we don’t mind,” Blue added, smiling secretively, like their fusion with Steven was some sort of silly mischief. She wanted him to fuse with Steven _right now?_ Pink tried not to squeeze Steven’s hand too hard in his. He felt the panic slowly bleeding into his gem, chilling it. He couldn’t show any of it on his face. He fought to stay calm.  


Blue was still staring at him, clearly waiting for an answer, but Pink couldn’t get any words out. Steven spoke instead, much to Pink’s relief.  


“I don’t think we’d… like to fuse now.” He sounded very uncomfortable.  


“Oh. Why not?” Now Blue was looking at Steven with the same demanding look in her eyes. “It will be safer for both of you. Human beings are so… fragile. White could hurt you. You will be safe with Pink.”  


Pink wanted to shout that _of course_ Steven was safe with him. Pink was perfectly capable of protecting Steven _by himself_ , they didn’t need to fuse… but he couldn’t get his mouth to work past the panic now gathered inside of him.  


“I agree with Blue on that one,” Yellow said. “You were a fusion before, weren’t you?”  


“Well,” Steven started again, his voice still reluctant, “if it’s necessary we will fuse, but right now it’s not, so…”  


“But Steven, it _is_ necessary,” Blue said in that soft, condescending voice which always infuriated Pink. Hearing her speak like this made him feel small and incapable. As if Blue was convinced that she knew what Pink needed better than he himself did.  


Pink felt control slipping between the facets of his gem. Panic curled inside like a tight, hollow thing, and his gem weighed him down unbearably. To convince Yellow and Blue, they needed to fuse. But they _couldn’t_. Pink couldn’t. Pink didn’t want to fuse, he _wasn’t ready to fuse_. Will all their hard work amount to nothing just because Pink couldn’t live through such a simple thing as fusion? He could make himself, couldn’t he? He could…  


At that moment, another gem piped in, the gem whose presence was completely forgotten by Pink.  


“Why do they have to fuse? I like Steven just as he is,” Spinel said, then got on her head and kicked her feet up. Yellow laughed. Wait. Yellow did _what?_ Pink looked at her, wide-eyed, feeling completely at a loss. But Blue was looking at Spinel now. The panicky feeling inside Pink subsided a little.  


“You like him, Spinel?” Blue asked with genuine curiosity.  


“Sure do! He would be fun to play with!” Spinel answered happily, and Pink cringed. Now was certainly not the time for games. Spinel continued innocently, “I wouldn’t want to play with Pink though. That one is _way_ too serious.”  


Pink’s expression morphed into a scowl. Blue smiled, oblivious.  


“You think so? Maybe you are right. What do you think, Pink?” She turned to look at him and laughed unexpectedly. “Yes, definitely too serious. So serious, in fact, that maybe you won’t even need to convince White of anything! She will simply look at your face and then agree with everything you say at once!”  


Pink frowned harder. Blue, on the other hand, looked completely relaxed, all the traces of her previous fear and intensity gone. She opened her palm up. Spinel, still too far down, elongated her arms and clasped her hands on Blue’s fingers. Then she swung around madly, landing moments later at the center of Blue’s palm. Blue looked like she was completely charmed by her antics. Pink still didn’t understand a thing, but an opportunity presented itself clear as day, so he said, “If we’re done here, Steven and I will take our leave.”  


Yellow looked ready to object, but the only thing she ended up saying was, “Send us the details of the upcoming meeting with White.”  


Pink nodded, then turned around and, still clasping Steven’s hand tightly in his, headed for the door. He couldn’t believe that everything worked out in their favor in the end. Just some moments ago both Diamonds were trying to force him and Steven to fuse. And now they were going back, unfused and with allies obtained. That was a victory. Their first victory. It left him feeling giddy and light. Pink did have the power to change, just like Steven did. The realization was exhilarating, it gave Pink a strange, shivering feeling of excitement and pride and boldness.  


For some time, they walked quietly side by side, mulling over their talk with the Diamonds. The corridors were empty of gems, much to Pink’s relief. Pearl was following them like a silent, soundless shadow.  


Then Steven exclaimed, “That was so cool! How you were like, ‘I’m not afraid of White anymore’… You were _so_ convincing!”  


Pink smiled, straightening up more, feeling proud of himself.  


“And Spinel helped us! That was awesome!”  


“Did she?” Pink asked, lifting an eyebrow.  


Steven looked at him, a puzzled expression on his face, and then started to explain, “Sure she did. She convinced Blue that we didn’t need to fuse and then distracted her so we could leave.”  


Pink was thinking this over for a couple of moments. Now that Steven put it like this, it was obvious what had happened. But Pink still didn’t get it.  


“Why would she help us? Last time I saw her she was ready to snap your neck.”  


Steven winced, and Pink immediately regretted putting it like that.  


“Maybe she changed her mind too,” Steven said quietly after they spent some time walking through one corridor after another in silence. “I think I gave her the answers and said some things that she needed to hear. Instead of avoiding her by sending her to another Diamond,” he added, and Pink felt a stab of guilt. He was sure he did what was best for Spinel and himself. He didn’t have Rose’s memories after all. When a gem that belonged to her came to him after spending thousands of years in her garden, Pink didn’t know what else he could do with her. He remembered Spinel’s form, battered by time, and the desperate hunger she looked at him with, needing his approval. He had never even seen her before. What was he supposed to do?  


In any case, the two Diamonds didn’t treat her badly. He had an inkling that they treated her better than he ever would have.  


“I didn’t know what else I could do,” Pink admitted, and Steven nodded. They continued walking in silence. Pink still didn’t get why Blue and Yellow would even listen to what Spinel had to say, why they would bring her to an important meeting… But it seemed like whenever it came to Spinel, Pink was always at a loss. Better try to accept that.  


They got to the chamber and Pink said, “Pearl, sort the incoming documents by urgency. Send me the most important ones. And send a request for a meeting with White Diamond. State that Yellow and Blue will be present too.”  


“Yes, my Diamond,” she answered, bowing slightly.  


Pink looked at Steven, waiting for a cue or some kind of advice, but he looked like he was deep in thought.  


“After that you can… do whatever you see fit,” he finished, not as certain or as commanding as before.  


“Thank you, my Diamond,” Pearl said, smiling. Then she opened the door for them, and Pink stepped into his chamber. Steven followed.  


The door closed behind them. So they did it. They talked to Yellow and Blue, and the Diamonds _listened_. Now they had to talk to White. Pink knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he wasn’t planning on backing down. Not now, not ever. The time had come for _her_ to listen to _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, another cliffhanger of sorts, but I promise the next chapter is their talk with White!


	27. White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took a lot of editing, but I’m finally posting it! The events of this chapter is what I myself had been especially curious about when I first started writing this story. And now I can share it with you guys!  
> Also I associate the song Coconut by Fever Ray with White’s character in my story. I don’t exactly know why, just the beat and the flow of it.

The answer to Pink’s request came almost immediately. With utmost politeness, White was inviting them to her reception room during the next cycle. Pink sent the reached Yellow and Blue through the panel, and they both confirmed that they will be there. Reading their messages, Pink found himself smiling. For the first time in his existence, someone beside Steven was on his side.  


Time was moving unbearably slowly. Both Steven and Pink were on edge. Steven was turning this way and that on the pillows, unable to lay still, or he was pacing out on the balcony. Sometimes he was fiddling with his panel, or muttering something under his breath, or frowning deep in thought. Pink only watched. His own worried state showed nothing but silence and stillness.  


They had come such a long way, and now they were nearing the turning point. That is, if Pink could convince White. Was he doing the right thing? Pink couldn’t know. Was this something a true Diamond would do? But what did being a “true Diamond” mean? Being infallible? Being perfect? Was White a “true Diamond” then? She couldn’t be. Pink knew she wasn’t perfect. All of Homeworld was counting on the four of them to lead their society. And Pink strongly believed that they needed _change_. All of them. Even White. It was difficult to change, but Pink did, and it meant that White could too. It was hard to do it alone, and Pink was prepared to help her, help all of them along the way, like Steven helped him.  


Pink looked at him again. At the moment, Steven was laying on the pillows close to Pink, busy with his own panel. If it weren’t for him, Pink would never have changed. It was Steven who guided them both with his steady hand. Steven always believed in Pink, and it was thanks to Steven they could set things in motion.  


“Steven,” Pink said quietly, and Steven tore his eyes away from the panel to look at him. Pink smiled, his gem vibrating pleasantly. “Thank you,” he said.  


Steven smiled and sat up, turning to him. “What for?” he asked.  


“You helped me change. If it weren’t for you, nothing would have worked out.”  


Steven smiled even brighter.  


“I love you, Steven,” Pink added. Steven blushed, not looking away, and his mouth parted slightly. Pink leaned in and kissed him. Steven opened his mouth wider and moved closer, wrapping his arms around Pink’s waist. They kissed for some moments, and then Pink pulled back.  


“I didn’t ask first. I’m sorry.”  


“I will forgive you this time,” Steven giggled.  


The rest of the time before the meeting Steven spent with his head in Pink’s lap, playing some game on the panel. Pink was petting his hair and looking at the blue light from the panel, which was reflecting beautifully in Steven’s dark eyes. It felt nice to be able to watch him unhindered.  


When the time had come, they got up and started towards the door. Steven was squeezing Pink’s hand tightly in his. They stopped right before the door and looked at each other.  


“We can do it,” Steven said and smiled, a bit unsure.  


“Yes, we can,” Pink answered with as much confidence as he could muster.  


*  


Yellow and Blue were waiting for them at the door to White’s reception room. Both of them looked at Pink with matching uncertain stares. Pink nodded to them, trying to appear unfazed. He was still holding Steven’s hand in his, and it gave him some reassurance. Pink’s gem was burning. There it was, the chance both him and Steven were waiting for.  


The door opened slowly, and Pink led his small procession inside. White was sitting on her throne, looking down at all of them. Pink felt Steven’s hand twitch and squeezed it in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.  


“Yellow, Blue, Pink!” White exclaimed. Then she looked at Steven pointedly and cringed. “Why did you bring the organic?”  


Steven squeezed his hand hard. Pink fixed White with an unyielding stare.  


“His name is Steven.”  


“I am in all honesty tired of your irresponsible behavior and of these foolish antics, Pink,” White complained, shaking her head. She wore an expression of artificial disappointment. Pink felt anger bubbling inside, but he had to stay calm. He wouldn’t be able to think clearly if he started getting angry.  


“We came because we wanted to talk,” he said in an even tone.  


“Yellow, Blue, are you following her lead on this?” White asked with feigned tiredness. Pink twitched, hearing the wrong pronoun but not addressing it. He had to concentrate right now. He had to think carefully about what he wanted to say and time it right.  


“Pink wants to talk to you,” Blue answered.  


“We all do,” Yellow added.  


“Oh, I get it now,” White nodded, now wearing a wide smile. “And what manner of conversation would you want to be having?”  


“It’s a conversation about us. About you. And about Homeworld,” Pink said. She turned her head slowly, almost unwillingly, looking at Pink again. Her colorless eyes were sharp, attentive, and she looked very disapproving. Pink suppressed a shiver.  


“And what exactly, my darling Pink, don’t you like about Homeworld?” she asked coldly. ‘What exactly don’t you like about _**me**_?’ rang clear in her tone, unspoken.  


“We want to change the structure of Homeworld,” Pink started, voice firm. His gem was pulsating anxiously in his form. “We want to change how our caste system works. And we want to stop this mindless cycle of creating more gems for the sole purpose of destroying more worlds.”  


“So, in other words, you want to destroy our society,” White concluded, and Pink flinched as if struck. He would _never_ want such a thing. And it wasn’t _at all_ what he was talking about. Twisting the meaning of his words was White’s favorite tactic, he knew, but it still hurt to be the target of it.  


“I want to _change_ it. Our existence right now is static, emotionless, filled with empty orders upon orders, designed to uphold this illusion of the perfect society, which we are not. I don’t see _life_ here. And I’m not happy here.”  


White lifted one eyebrow, unimpressed. Her stare remained cold.  


“Oh, Pink, always so demanding, even for a Diamond. What kind of life are you expecting to see here? This?” she gestured with her hand in Steven’s direction. Steven flinched almost imperceptibly, squeezing Pink’s hand tighter. “This is a disgrace. Your bizarre whims are getting out of hand, Pink, how can you not see it yourself? Our society doesn’t need _this_. What our society needs is you being a _proper Diamond_.”  


“And what would that entail?” Pink asked, narrowing his eyes. White opened her mouth, but he continued, “Oh, no, don’t tell me, you told me hundreds of times before. Being a proper Diamond means being a perfect leader for all the gems of Homeworld. Being a proper Diamond means closing your eyes to the problems that arise from our way of ruling and not caring about our gems unless they fall in line with everything you say. You think to be a proper Diamond is to be _you_. But I’m not perfect, and neither are you.”  


“ _ **How dare you?**_ ” White shrieked suddenly, slamming her fist on the armrest of her throne. Stone shards sprayed from under her hand in every direction. Steven took a shaky step back and would have probably fallen down, but Pink drew him close to himself in that same instant, squeezing in a tight embrace. Steven pressed his face into Pink’s neck, he was shaking and his breathing was frantic. Pink felt his anger rise to the surface again, _how dared White hurt his Steven?_ But the best way to protect him now was to focus on White, to make her see, make her understand. And that was exactly what Pink was planning to do. He was undeterred by her display of anger.  


White leaned forward, one of her hands still clenched into a fist. “Everyone in our society, including me, knows their place and is happy to be of service, all for the good of the Empire. Everyone but _**you**_ , Pink. Maybe it’s not us then, maybe there is something wrong with _you?_ ” she hissed.  


Pink was hurt to hear such a thing from her. But he was used to concealing his emotions, especially being hurt. His face stayed expressionless, his voice calm when he said, “Nothing is wrong with me, White.”  


Pink remembered then how Steven smiled at him for the first time, and how Pink felt an urge to smile back.  


“There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.”  


He remembered how angry and hurt Steven looked when he talked about Rose.  


“There is nothing wrong with being angry or upset. And wanting change is not wrong either.”  


“Oh, indeed,” White said, doing an all-encompassing gesture with her hand. “Let’s all express our feelings left and right as true Diamonds should. Let’s all be angry and upset! That will make our society _much_ better, what a splendid idea, Pink!”  


“And you would rather I suffer in silence?” Pink asked, letting some of his searing anger show.  


A bewildered look crossed White’s face, as if she didn’t expect Pink to say that.  


“And if it’s all out in the open now, let me tell you one more thing, White. We are _all_ suffering in silence!” He gestured to Yellow and Blue, standing behind them. “All of us! But we are too afraid to say anything!”  


White opened her mouth, her eyebrows drawing up.  


“This is ridiculous. You are the _Diamonds_. Who can you be afraid of?” she asked. Pink simply stated, “Of you.”  


White blinked. “Nonsense.”  


Pink’s face scrunched up in an angry grimace then. “Nonsense? This is the _**truth**_. How can we ever speak our mind openly? How can we risk provoking your wrath? You can take away our ability to control ourselves, to think for ourselves, and that is _exactly_ what you did to Yellow and Blue!”  


White looked at each of the two Diamonds standing silently beside Pink. Her face lost some of its unshakable certainty. “I did it for your own good, you know.”  


“And you broke us apart,” Pink continued, angry and bitter and hurt. “You took all of my memories.”  


White looked at him again. “That was necessary for you to become a true Diamond,” she snapped, and Pink suppressed the urge to clench his hands into fists.  


“What is a true Diamond? A miserable one? I feel miserable every time I think about how you just… _deleted_ everything that I was. With no care and no regrets. You—”  


“It was _necessary!_ ” White exclaimed, throwing her hands up, as if Pink failed to see some universal truth.  


“That’s what you think. You were thinking about yourself when you did it. You weren’t thinking about me. You weren’t thinking about _**us**_.” She looked puzzled, and Pink continued, “You weren’t thinking about Yellow or Blue, and neither were you thinking about me and Steven.”  


White lowered her hands slowly. She leaned forward again, her body tense, her gaze piercing. Pink didn’t move and his gaze didn’t falter. He wasn’t afraid of her.  


“ _He_ did that to you, didn’t he? I should have removed him from you a long time ago, oh, I should have,” she said venomously. “ _He put these thoughts in your head_ , that miserable, foul, disgusting—”  


“Stop it,” Pink cut her off, tone sharp. “Steven didn’t put any thoughts in my head. He didn’t remove anything either,” Pink said and the unspoken ‘unlike you’ was left hanging in the air.  


For a moment everything was silent. Then White straightened up on her throne, pulling that infuriating fake smile back on her face. “I’m tired of listening to your incessant complaints. If you can be so kind as to—”  


“No.”  


White’s hand twitched, the pleasant expression wiped off her face in an instant.  


“You can’t stop listening whenever it becomes inconvenient for you,” Pink continued. “I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be happy. I want _change_.”  


White’s hand flew up then, pointing right at him, and Pink raised his shield as a wave of searing, blinding energy hit it. Steven cried out, pressing into him, and Pink said quietly in his ear, “I’m here, Steven, I’m here, you’ll be okay.”  


The light of White’s stroke slowly faded. Pink put away his shield. She couldn’t hurt him like this, and both of them knew it. It was a simple intimidation tactic, and it didn’t work, like any other of her other tricks.  


“I do everything for you. I do every little thing for our society to work as well as it does. And you dare to say such things to me?! After everything I’ve done for you?!” White hissed, as if she couldn’t believe he dared to speak his mind like that. Well, Pink will make her believe. He will make her listen.  


“Because it can’t go on like this, White. We hurt our gems. And _you_ hurt _us_.”  


White lowered her hand then. Pink watched her attentively, and he didn’t miss the pained expression that appeared on her face for just a moment.  


“I want what’s best for you. For all of us,” she said, her voice full of disappointment at their apparent lack of understanding. But she didn’t look enraged anymore, that was good.  


“We know that,” Pink told her, and she lifted an eyebrow.  


“Clearly you don’t, if you are standing here, saying such things right to my face.”  


“We all want what’s best for Homeworld. You, me, and Yellow and Blue. Just like other gems do. But what you’re doing isn’t working, and we are the proof of that.”  


White didn’t look convinced. Stars, what did Pink have to say to get through to her? He was running out of ideas, and his patience was wearing thin.  


“Under my rule our world was prospering for many thousands of years, and you dare claim that it ‘doesn’t work’?” White asked in a flat, unimpressed voice.  


If they were to continue with the topic of ruling strategies, White would come out the winner sooner or later. After all, she had the most experience and knowledge out of all of them. And even if her ways of ruling needed a change, White was as stubborn as Pink. She wouldn’t give in easily. No, Pink had to make it personal. He tried before, talking about how White hurt him and Yellow and Blue. That seemed to work somewhat…  


Pink wasn’t keen on breaching the topic of Rose. But White seemed to hold some warm feelings towards her. And, more importantly, there was guilt. He saw it before, in glimpses and vague phrases that White threw his way. It was not meant for him though. It was guilt that White directed at the Pink Diamond that existed before him. But he could use that guilt. He had to try.  


“Pink Diamond…” he started, then paused. He looked at Steven in his arms, who was still pressing close. He could do it, couldn’t he? For Steven and for himself. Pink looked back at White and continued firmly, “Pink Diamond that was here before me… She faked her own shattering. Have you ever thought about the reason why she would do such a thing?”  


“You were always quick to act on impulses, Pink,” White said, and Pink immediately intervened, cutting off whatever she intended to say, “I’m not _her_ , and you know that. She ceased to exist when Steven came to be. I am convinced that abandoning your family and leading a rebellion against their ways of ruling is far from an impulsive decision. It’s a _desperate_ decision. She understood that she couldn’t change your mind, no matter what she said, and so she did the only thing she could do. She left. That was her decision in the end.”  


The hurt expression on White’s face wasn’t fleeting this time. She looked so open and almost desperate, like every one of Pink’s words was causing her physical pain.  


“I got her back, I got _you_ back,” she said, and her voice trembled abruptly.  


“You can’t get her back. No one can. But _I’m_ still here. And _I_ am trying to get you to listen. We are all here for this sole purpose, White. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. But you can listen to us _now_.”  


An absolute silence settled over them when Pink finished speaking. Everything seemed to still. Steven wasn’t pressing his face into Pink’s neck anymore, instead he was staring at White. All of them were. White Diamond looked first to Yellow, then to Blue, and then her gaze settled on Pink and Steven, who were still holding each other in an embrace. Pink had no idea what she was going to say. He didn’t know what else he himself could say that could convince her.  


Finally, White started speaking. Her voice was quiet, lacking its usual harsh command and distant superiority. “When she… left, everything changed. Pink was right there on that planet, she was there _all this time_ , but she hasn’t once reached out to us, and now she’s…” White paused for a moment. “All that had happened might have been… my fault too.”  


She sounded unsure. Pink had never heard her sound unsure before.  


“If all of you think that I’m doing something wrong, then… Maybe it is time for change. It’s what Pink would have wanted.”  


“It’s what we all want,” Pink said. White looked at him then. A sudden expression of faith appeared on her face. She looked at Pink like he had the answers to all of her questions. Like she was willing to seek his advice, like it mattered to her what he had to say. She had never looked at him like that before.  


“And what exactly are you suggesting?” she asked.  


“That we change Homeworld. Together,” Pink answered, feeling exhilaration light his gem up. Then he looked back at Blue, and she smiled at him. He looked at Yellow, and she smiled as well. Then Pink looked at White again. She blinked.  


“Alright, tell me what you have planned,” she sighed, setting her chin on her hand.


	28. Unbidden thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t work on this chapter enough it feels like, so it’s a little all over the place. But if I don’t post it now, I have no idea when I will. Anyway, hope you enjoy!  
> Also mutual masturbation present in this chapter.

They came back to Pink’s room after several hours it felt like. White wanted to know _all_ the details of their plan, even the ones that didn’t exist yet. Steven was completely exhausted by the end of the discussion. When they got back, he drank some water and then went to lay down with a sigh of relief. Pink made himself comfortable as well, sitting on the pillows close to Steven.  


On top of being exhausting, the meeting with White was also scary as hell, no matter how hard Steven tried to keep himself together in front of her. When she started shouting, the only thing he could do was cling to Pink, tremble and be pathetic. The memories of what happened four years ago flooded him, and his mind was swept away by the wave of all-encompassing terror.  


But his gem was there, a calming, steady presence, and that was enough to hold the scattered pieces of Steven’s common sense together so that he stayed where he was. No running and no attacking, no running and no lashing out. That was Steven’s mantra during the exchange.  


Regardless of how difficult it was – and it must have been much more difficult for Pink to deal with White than it was for Steven – in the end, _they did it_. Pink made White change her mind. Steven was so proud of his gem. And maybe he was proud of himself a little too. Steven tried to help Pink for so long, and now he finally succeeded! Pink was strong, and relentless, and bold. It was such a huge difference from the Pink who was crying in Steven’s embrace, lost and confused and afraid. It was an astonishing change. He really was a Diamond in his own right now, and that made Steven want to smile and glow with pride, because yes, Pink was amazing, and yes, Pink was his gem.  


But no matter how cool his gem was now, it was still hard to believe that after all the shouting and raging, White finally relented. After all the things she had said about him and Pink...  


(“Everyone in our society, including me, knows their place and is happy to be of service, all for the good of the Empire. Everyone but _**you**_ , Pink. Maybe it’s not us then, maybe there is something wrong with _you?_ ”)  


(“ _He_ did that to you, didn’t he? I should have removed him from you a long time ago, oh, I should have…”)  


(“ _He put these thoughts in your head_ , that miserable, foul, disgusting…”)  


(“All that had happened might have been… my fault too.”)  


(“It’s what Pink would have wanted.”)  


Steven should stop thinking about it now. They succeeded, that was what mattered. He just needed some time to get used to that thought. 

Steven was wrung out from the emotional rollercoasters White put them through. The only thing he wanted now was to sleep. Then he would finally be able to relax. But he couldn’t. Steven was tossing and turning on the pillows, tired but unable to fall asleep. Pink was typing away on his panel. At some point Steven got tired of his fruitless attempts at rest. He was still too wound up for sleeping, it seemed like.  


“I can’t believe we actually did it,” Steven said. Pink looked at him and smiled. He was expressing emotions so well now. Steven remembered his first days in Pink’s room, and his gem’s impassive face, his stare, burning with singe-minded intensity. Steven was so scared back then. He had no idea what he was supposed to do and he didn’t understand a thing about his gem. How everything changed during these five months.  


“Yes, we accomplished our goal,” Pink said, sounding proud. “I thought you wanted to sleep?”  


“Yeah, but I can’t,” Steven complained, scrunching up his face.  


“You want to sleep, but your body can’t achieve it? It sure is strange.” Pink shook his head, perplexed, and Steven laughed.  


“You should try it sometime, Pink.”  


“Try what?”  


“Sleeping,” Steven winked. Pink blinked slowly.  


“Gems don’t sleep.”  


“That’s what _you_ think,” Steven snickered. “Gems don’t eat, but Amethyst loves doing it. She tried sleeping too, and Pearl did, but her gem started projecting her dreams and then…” He fell silent, looking away from Pink, remembering the events of that day. It all happened around the time Jasper showed up, but it felt like an eternity ago.  


A gloved hand appeared on his own and squeezed gently. Steven met his gem’s eyes.  


“You want to go back to Earth as soon as possible,” Pink said, his tone assertive.  


Steven nodded. “I want us to go together. Can we?”  


“Yes. I think we can.”  


Despite his tired state, in that moment Steven was ready to dance, and sing, and jump around the room. He will go home. _They_ will go home, together. A wide, happy smile appeared on his face.  


“I will try to deal with the all the essential documents and reform drafts as fast as I’m able to. An official announcement needs to be made and then…”  


Pink started going into some details, something about fleets and the Diamonds’ courts, and Steven got lost pretty fast. God, he was so happy. He did it. He changed Pink. They changed all of Homeworld together. And now Steven could finally go back home.  


“…translating to Earth’s time system, it will take me around three to four days of incessant work,” Pink finished.  


“Great! Can I meet with Peridot and tell her that we’re going home?” Steven asked, already getting excited.  


Pink looked briefly unsure. “If you don’t go into much detail. Until the announcement is made by the Diamonds, no one can know.”  


“I won’t go into details, I promise!” Steven looked at his gem with huge, pleading eyes. He wanted to tell Peridot so badly. He wanted to assure her that now everything will be fine, that they weren’t prisoners anymore! That they were going back really soon! She will get out of her damn cell and she will never have to come back there!  


“Well, alright then,” Pink said, though he didn’t look convinced.  


“Awesome!”  


He leaned closer and quickly pecked Pink on the lips.  


“You need your sleep.” The gem looked serious, but his tone was playful.  


“Do I?” Steven smiled, coy. Then reached for Pink’s cheek, tracing a smooth line with his fingertips. When Pink didn’t say anything, Steven slid his fingertips to Pink's neck, and then lower, until he got to the gem on his stomach. The expression on Pink’s face turned anticipating and almost dreamy, his diamond shaped pupils got larger. Steven adored this look on him.  


“Steven,” Pink said, as if his name was a dearly guarded secret that belonged only to Pink. Steven smiled. He _did_ belong to Pink, and he enjoyed it, maybe a bit too much.  


“Do you want me to… touch you?” Steven asked, pointedly lowering his hand to where Pink’s shorts were, covered by his skirt. Then he returned his hand to hover over the gem on Pink’s stomach.  


“But… I need to work,” Pink said uncertainly.  


“We could do it quickly then,” Steven suggested. He was teasing Pink a little. It was very satisfying after all the times Steven himself got teased by the gem. Pink looked at him and licked his lips.  


“I want to,” he whispered.  


Steven touched one of the facets of his gem lightly. It was smooth and pleasantly warm to the touch. Pink didn’t take his eyes off Steven. He switched to the next facet. Pink moaned quietly. Steven pressed his other hand to Pink’s chest, and Pink laid down on the pillows, spreading his legs for Steven to sit in between.  


“You actually want to do this?” Pink asked.  


“I wouldn’t suggest if I didn’t want to,” Steven answered. “You look nice like this, Pink,” he added, touching the central facet of his gem lightly. Pink moaned again. He looked like he would give anything for Steven to continue. He felt himself getting hard at the sight. Steven moved his thumb on the gem in a circular motion, pressing gently, and a shudder ran through Pink’s form. Steven moved his hand a little lower and then asked, looking Pink in the eye, “Can I touch you there?”  


“Yes,” was the immediate answer, and Steven pressed his hand between Pink’s legs. Pink let out a long, melodious moan, his eyes shining bright. Steven started to move his hand carefully, watching the expression on Pink’s face intently. Pink closed his eyes and let out a gasp, when Steven brushed over an especially sensitive spot. Pink helped him then to set a good rhythm with his own hand, and Steven tried mimicking it. It wasn’t easy, but the expression of rapt pleasure on Pink’s face and the sounds he made were worth it. After a little bit Pink opened his eyes to look at Steven. “I want to try something,” he said.  


Steven nodded without stopping what he was doing.  


“I want to dematerialize my shorts, if that is fine with you,” Pink said quietly, watching Steven’s face for a reaction. Steven blinked, stopping the movements of his hand. Did Steven… want to feel Pink? To _really_ feel him? Was he ready? He didn’t know, but the idea brought a new hot wave of arousal, making him achingly hard. They could always stop if Steven felt uncomfortable. The thought made him bold.  


“Okay. I want to try,” Steven said. Pink watched him for a few moments, then let out the breath he was holding and nodded. This time Steven put his hand on Pink’s left knee first. He moved it lower to Pink’s inner thigh, and then even lower, feeling his face get warm. He had never done this before. Steven had never touched anyone like this before. But he wanted to try it with Pink.  


Finally, his fingers touched the smooth, very warm skin. Pink gasped and shudder ran through his form. Steven’s hand twitched a bit, and he felt wetness under his fingers. The skin there was so soft, almost velvety, and wet. It felt… unusual, but not bad. He moved his hand experimentally and was rewarded with a sweet, drawn-out moan. He did it again.  


“Don’t press too hard,” Pink said.  


“Sorry,” Steven answered, blushing hard. Pink helped him find a good angle with his own hand, and Steven tried again, a gentler movement. Now he did it right. Steven kept going, his fingers moved easily with how wet Pink was. Pink’s body was quivering slightly, he was looking at Steven with half-lidded eyes and his moans were a constant, sweet, lilting song. It was amazing. Steven wondered why they had never tried this before. Steven’s cock was pressing uncomfortably into the fabric of his jeans, but he was too focused on pleasuring Pink at the moment. He picked up the pace of his movements, trying to get it right, trying not to press too hard. It wasn’t easy, his wrist started to hurt, but he wanted to do it. He wanted to make Pink come like this, all for him. But then Steven wasn’t careful enough and his hand slipped just a little lower, his fingertips brushing over the smooth skin. Pink gasped and buckled his hips making Steven’s fingers slip inside of him just a little and oh God, he wasn’t planning on doing _**that**_.  


“Sorry,” Steven squeaked. Pink let out another moan, opening his eyes, looking at Steven with such raw hunger that Steven froze with his mouth slightly open.  


“More,” he said, and Steven felt a wave of embarrassment run through him. Pink licked his lips, his gaze turning restless, almost pleading. He looked so hot. Steven obliged, moving his hand carefully, two of his fingers sliding deeper. Pink let out another soft moan and then squeezed around Steven’s fingers. Oh, Steven was definitely going to touch himself now. He moved his hand back and then snapped it forward again, going deep in Pink’s soft heat, touching his cock with his other hand through the fabric of the jeans. Pink was so hot and tight, and it would be incredible to have his cock inside of him instead of—  


Oh. Was he just… Did he just think about having… actual sex with Pink? Steven stilled his movements, and Pink’s lilting song turned disappointed.  


“Steven,” he said, drawing his name out, “don’t stop.”  


Steven looked at his gem then, who was all spread out and unashamed, with his breaths coming short, his mouth opened, and the way he was looking at Steven… Steven drew his hand back carefully, getting his fingers out of Pink’s vagina. They were all wet. A blush crept up on his face again. He felt like he went too far. Or maybe too fast. But he—  


“Steven?” Pink propped himself up on his elbows and looked at him with clear concern. “Is something wrong?”  


Steven didn’t know what to answer to that. He just had his hand in Pink’s vagina. And he thought about having sex with his own gem. Most importantly, he found the thought quite… pleasing, to put it lightly. That was… completely unhealthy, right?  


“Did I do something?” Pink asked quietly, and Steven had to tell himself to focus. He couldn’t hurt Pink because a thought came unbidden to him and didn’t want to leave his head now. He looked at the gem, who was wearing an almost scared expression.  


“No, of course not. You were completely amazing,” Steven assured him. “I just… wanted to stop now. We can do that, right?”  


“Of course,” Pink answered. Steven moved away from him then, and Pink sat up, the skirt covering his naked skin.  


“Well, I’ll– I need to go to the bathroom,” Steven said, getting up.  


“You are sure that you are alright?” Pink asked, and Steven nodded without looking at him. What could he say to him? Steven was embarrassed and a little scared of the new thoughts that came with touching Pink so intimately.  


Steven washed his hands in the bathroom sink and then pressed them to his face, as if trying to hide from the world. For some reason he felt an urge to cry. He was so confused. Yes, Steven had sexual thoughts about Pink before. At some point he decided to act on them, and he didn’t regret it. Pink liked what they had, and Steven liked what they had, so what was the problem then? Right now it was… well, sex. Steven had never thought about having sex with anyone before. It was an unknown territory, something deeply personal and very important. And also a little scary, he could admit. Thinking about sex was embarrassing, and shameful, and… Steven thought about it, when he was pleasuring Pink. And he liked that thought.  


Steven sighed, drawing his hands away and looking at his reflection in the mirror. He was so tired of thinking and doubting all the time. He wished he had some answers, he wished he didn’t have to think so hard. He wished their relationship with Pink wasn’t so… controversial, that it wouldn’t clash constantly with the way he was brought up, with all he had learnt about normal relationships and how they worked. Steven had no idea how to feel or what to think. Maybe he could wait until they get back to Earth? When he gets home, everything will finally be in its place. And then he can deal with himself and these new alarming thoughts and feelings.  


*  


Steven slept for ten hours straight and felt considerably better upon waking up. His own thoughts didn’t feel like an inescapable maze anymore, and dealing with everything after he comes back home seemed like the most reasonable thing to do.  


He took a nice long shower, got into a clean set of clothes and then ate. All thorough his routine, Pink was typing away on the panel, looking very focused. Steven decided not to bother him and was fiddling with his own panel when Pink said, “I will send for Peridot.”  


“Okay, thanks,” Steven smiled. Pink smiled back, but he looked tense. He didn’t mention what happened between them. Steven was relieved. He wasn’t ready to discuss any of it, if he was honest.  


Pink got up and then floated down towards the door. Steven watched how his skirt flowed and fluttered while he was making his way down. When the door closed after his gem, Steven got up and went down the stairs to wait for Peridot near the door. Thinking about it, he couldn’t stop a wide smile from appearing on his face. He will be home soon! All of them will be! It was an amazing, warming, happy thought. He missed having these kinds of thoughts. He missed being this happy.  


He didn’t have to wait long. Some four minutes later the door opened, and Peridot flew in through the door.  


“Steven!” she exclaimed and tackled him with a hug.  


“Peridot,” he smiled, taking a step back from the force of her fierce embrace. They pulled back after a couple of moments and then got up on the platform, settling in their usual spot near the wall.  


“Any news?” she started without any preamble. “You didn’t write a thing since yesterday! Did Pink do something again?”  


Her voice was filled with concern. No matter how hard Steven tried to convince her that Pink changed, Peridot refused to even consider the possibility. But now she will have to accept that Pink changed. And then she won’t have to be so worried anymore. Steven started smiling.  


“He did something, yes.”  


Peridot looked at him with suspicion. “Why do you look so pleased?”  


“Because everything will be fine now, Peri!”  


“Such unbridled optimism,” she smirked.  


“Peridot, we’re going back home!” he cried out, almost jumping in place from how excited he was to share the news.  


“Sure, we have to believe tha—”  


“We’re going home in three days!”  


“What?!” she yelped, and Steven laughed, looking at the shocked expression on her face.  


“We are going back to Earth, Peri.” He sat up taller, feeling proud and accomplished and happy. He saved her, and Earth, and himself. He saved Pink.  


“If this is some kind of joke, so help me all celestial bodies I—”  


“It’s not a joke! I wouldn’t joke about such things.”  


Steven gave her some time to take this in. A short silence settled over them.  


“But… Pink…” Peridot said then, seemingly at a loss for words.  


“Pink _changed_. I can’t tell you all the details yet, but he will let us go! We’ll go together,” Steven announced.  


“Pink will fly with us?!” Peridot didn’t look pleased to say the least.  


“I told you already that he changed,” Steven said, a little annoyed. “You can see for yourself if you want to. I can write to him, and you can finally talk without threatening each other.”  


“The last thing I want is to talk to this new version of Pink Diamond,” Peridot answered sullenly.  


“Why not?”  


“Why do you think?!” Peridot exclaimed, throwing her hands up in clear frustration. “Because he’s the one who locked us here! He locked _you_ here and he did some unpleasant things to you that you don’t even want to talk about…”  


Steven blushed. Actually, they were doing some very pleasant things with Pink lately, but he wouldn’t say anything of the sort to Peridot. Steven would rather die of embarrassment on the spot than explain himself to her.  


“Well, now he’s letting us go!”  


“It must be some sort of trap, Steven!” Peridot said, then jumped to her feet and started pacing back and forth, looking determined. It was hard to pace on the soft pillows, and Steven giggled, watching her try anyway.  


“Don’t laugh!” she said, trying to appear intimidating which wasn’t easy with how small she was. “He must have a plan, and we have to figure out what exactly he’s planning.”  


“Peridot,” Steven said, not laughing anymore. He was tired of hearing these accusations over and over. She stopped to look at him.  


“Who do you think knows Pink better, you or me?”  


She opened her mouth, then closed it, frowning.  


“Who, out of the two of us, spent _several months_ in close proximity to him?”  


“Exactly!” She pointed an accusing finger at him. “Maybe he did something to you, made you trust him somehow, tricked you into it! It can’t—”  


“You’re talking about my gem, Peri,” Steven said in a flat voice.  


“Your gem spent four years on Homeworld following White’s orders, and he doesn’t have a single memory of your life as fusion,” she countered, unimpressed.  


“Well, I helped him change!” Steven said, raising his voice, feeling suddenly angry. “Just like I helped you! I thought you would be happy that we’re finally going home!”  


They were both silent for some time. Steven did all he could, they were going back to Earth, but Peridot didn’t look happy. Why couldn’t she believe him? Why couldn’t she be happy about going back?! He was trying so hard, and all she did now was accuse him! But Steven did everything right, didn’t he? He knew that Pink changed, that it wasn’t a trick or a secret villainous plan, or anything of the sort! Didn’t his word mean anything to Peridot?!  


“I’m sorry, Steven, but I can’t believe that your gem would just let us leave out of the goodness of his heart,” Peridot said at last. Steven sighed, hunching his shoulders. This conversation went not at all like he was expecting.  


“Okay. I understand. In any case, we’ll be leaving in three, maybe four days.”  


She nodded. They didn’t talk more, and after ten minutes or so Jasper came and took her away. When he was left alone, Steven wondered what exactly will happen when they arrive on Earth. How will his family react? What will they think about Pink? Steven suspected that their reaction will be worse than Peridot’s. They will probably be just as suspicious of Steven’s explanation. But it couldn’t be helped. What Steven told Peridot was the truth, and he intended to tell the same thing to his family. They will have a lot of questions, that’s for sure. Not all of them Steven will be able to answer, but he will try his best. The most important thing was to find good words for an explanation, to tell the Crystal gems everything before they decide to protect Steven by attacking Pink or something.  


Changing White’s mind was the hardest part, but now Steven felt like that was only their first step. This wasn’t going to be easy.  


*  


The next three days dragged on endlessly. Pink spent all of his time with his panel, working on some thing or other. Sometimes he went on meetings with the three Diamonds or with other gems. Steven was, well, dying of boredom, what else would he be doing? He got tired of the games on the panel fairly quickly, and he didn’t really want to talk to Peridot after the recent conversation that left both of them unsatisfied. He wasn’t in the mood for long walks through the halls of the Palace, so he could only stay in the room, worry and overthink everything. And that was exactly what Steven was doing. Same thoughts circled in his head on an endless loop.  


What if White goes back on her decision? What if she decides that the task of changing Homeworld society is too much, too difficult, too soon? Steven could do nothing but hope that White trusted Pink enough, and that Pink was prepared for her every question. He seemed to be, that made Steven a little calmer. Pink was serious about this.  


Another thing was on his mind a lot, and it was the corrupted gems. What was going to happen to them? Should Steven breach this topic now or later? The question was playing in his mind for a while before Steven decided to wait until they get to Earth. He didn’t want to distract Pink and prolong his own stay on Homeworld. The important talk could wait until Steven gets home, hugs everyone and assures his family that he was okay and that he changed his gem. However that plays out... 

How could Steven explain everything to his family in a way that would make them less suspicious of Pink? He had no idea. Steven tried to come up with a speech over and over, but it always came out clumsy and faltering, or way too short.  


Steven’s thoughts often went back to what happened between him and Pink three days ago. No matter how hard he thought, he couldn’t come to any decision. Every time he so much as looked at Pink, Steven was hit with a realization of just how much he loved the gem. How much he _wanted_ Pink. And his feelings weren’t going away any time soon.  


Steven sighed and checked the clock again. It was about six hours until their departure. He wondered if Pink was making it with how hard he had been working. Steven looked at him, sitting close on the pillows. Pink was reading something on the panel, his eyes moving attentively from sign to sign, his brows drawn together. A perfect picture of a busy Homeworld ruler. Steven giggled quietly. Pink eyes focused on him immediately. Steven drew in a surprised breath. There were so many emotions in Pink’s stare alone. Steven hadn’t felt his gem’s eyes on himself like this for a while now, with Pink as buried in work as he was.  


“Steven?”  


Steven breathed out. He was still pretty much head over heels for his gem, that wasn’t going to change any time soon.  


“I missed you,” Steven said. Even though they shared the same space these last days, their interaction was so limited that they might as well have been in different corners of the Palace.  


“I missed you too,” Pink answered. “I’m almost done with… all this.” He sent the panel away, and Steven watched the graceful movement of his gloved hand. He was so caught up in his thoughts lately that he forgot how effortlessly graceful his Pink could be.  


“So… what’s our plan?” Steven asked again, meeting Pink’s gaze. The gem wore a soft look and his pupils were blown wide. It was obvious that Steven wasn’t the only one who enjoyed their interaction a lot.  


“The announcement should take place as soon as possible. I have to be present and attend the ceremony that will be held, and I will certainly have to take the reins in the upcoming process of changing Homeworld. I will come to Earth with you and spend a short amount of time there, but I’d like to come back as soon as possible.”  


Steven was… Well, he didn’t expect that. It was obvious though, of course Pink needed to be on Homeworld. Although talking about it now, before they even got back home… But Earth was Steven’s home. This planet right here was his gem’s home, and Pink wanted to be back as soon as possible. Did that mean that Steven too would have to come back to Homeworld? So soon? He winced from the thought alone.  


“And you will stay on Earth,” Pink said in a steady, calm voice, as if reading Steven’s thoughts. The anxiety gripping Steven eased somewhat.  


“You’re… okay with being here without me?” Steven asked, and Pink turned his gaze away, the corners of his mouth curling downwards.  


“It’s obvious to me that you need to be with your family. I won’t… force you to stay here with me anymore,” he finished with effort. He looked grim and upset.  


Steven moved closer and took his hand. The gem still wasn’t looking at him.  


“But you will visit, won’t you?” Steven moved both of his hands to rest on Pink’s shoulders, trying to look him in the eye. “Or maybe you can leave me a ship so that I could come to you?”  


“If you want that,” Pink answered, as if he already decided for himself that when Steven comes back to Earth, he will never agree on meeting with Pink or going to Homeworld ever again. Steven wanted to have a say in this though.  


“Of course I want to! Pink, I love you, don’t you believe me by now?”  


Pink met Steven’s eyes then, looking at him seekingly, as if trying to find some answers. Then he hugged Steven tightly. Steven hugged back.  


“Did you think I would just leave you?” Steven asked, moving his hand up and down Pink’s back. The gem shuddered. “I won’t leave you, Pink. I promise.”  


Pink shuddered again and then started crying silently. Steven started petting his hair and drawing slow circles on Pink’s back with his hand, whispering comforting words, assuring him that everything will be okay. They were sitting like this for a while before Pink calmed down. Then the gem pulled back and said, “I need to work. Can you be here with me?”  


Steven nodded, smiling. He knew exactly what Pink wanted. Steven reached for his own panel and then laid down with his head in Pink’s lap so that the gem could play with his hair all he wanted. Pink loved doing it, and that was, in Steven’s opinion, simply adorable.  


They spent the next three hours like this, and then Pink said, “I’m done.”  


They looked at each other. Steven’s heart started beating fast in his chest. He felt an urge to twirl Pink around the room. Anticipation and excitement filled him. This was it. _They were finally going home._


	29. The return

Everything was made ready for their departure in a blink of an eye. Or maybe the preparations were made in advance so that the only thing left to do was step on board. Steven and Pink were heading to the ship right now. Pink’s face was an expressionless mask, and his movements were stiff. He was anxious, and that was understandable. Steven was too, but his building excitement overshadowed any other feeling. He couldn’t believe they were finally going back. Steven spent more than five months here on Homeworld. Back when he first arrived, confused, scared and torn away from everyone, Steven had no hope of changing anything. He felt helpless, alone, and he had no idea how to get on Pink’s good side. Well, back then the possibility of falling for his own gem would have never even occurred to Steven, and look at him now.  


He didn’t remember the walk to the ship at all. Only when the sphere of pinkish light surrounded them did Steven notice that Pearl was standing close to him and his gem. The inside of Pink’s ship looked exactly like it did five months ago. Steven felt ready for everything now, but most of all, he was ready to go home. Pink sent him a look that betrayed none of his feelings, and then went to the control panel.  


“Everything is ready for departure, my Diamond,” Pearl reported.  


“Good,” Pink nodded. A thought occurred to Steven suddenly.  


“Wait, where is Peridot?” he asked nervously.  


“In the section Н35X4,” Pearl answered. Steven had no idea what that even meant.  


“She’s not on the ship?” he asked, fighting his quickly rising anxiety.  


“Of course she is,” Pearl reassured with a slight smile. “Pink Diamond’s ship comprises several interconnected sections. One of them is section Н35X4.”  


“Oh. Okay,” Steven said, feeling embarrassed for his dumb question. He looked at Pink. Pink looked back, as if waiting for something. Steven blushed.  


“So we can, uh, take off then?” he asked. Pink nodded and turned away, activating the panel. Then he launched the ship with graceful, precise movements. They took off and Steven watched, amazed, as the pink atmosphere slowly gave way to the blackness of the open cosmos and all that came into view were stars. Then pink panels slowly moved into place, covering the view as the ship shifted into hyper-speed.  


Steven knew that on such high speed the flight to Earth wouldn’t take more than an hour, but the time seemed to drag on endlessly. At some point Steven couldn’t bear standing still anymore and started pacing around the cabin.  


“Is something bothering Steven?” Pearl asked politely from her spot near the panel. Steven looked at her, and she sent him what looked like a genuine smile.  


“I’m just… nervous I guess,” Steven said. Pearl nodded like she knew exactly what he meant.  


“When I find myself troubled, sometimes I summon my ribbon wand. It’s wonderful and pretty. It was a gift,” she said, sounding proud. “Does Steven wish to take a look?”  


“Uh, okay,” Steven answered. He had no idea what she was talking about. A ribbon wand?  


Pearl summoned an actual ribbon wand, colored pink and gold, from her gem. So that was her weapon? It almost didn’t look like one. She twirled it around graciously. A calm, happy smile appeared on her face, and it made Steven smile back.  


“Yeah, it’s pretty great,” he said.  


“It was a gift from my Diamond,” Pearl told him, looking pleased.  


“Oh, really?” Steven said, then sent Pink a look, only to find the gem glaring at Pearl.  


“Yes, well…” Pearl quieted, then looked at Pink, quickly averted her eyes and finished, “It was a long time ago.”  


A long time ago? How long exactly? Steven looked from one gem to another. It didn’t seem like Pink – _his_ Pink that is – would give Pearl a present, especially not a ribbon wand.  


“Was it… back in Era One?” Steven asked cautiously, and Peal nodded, “You are quite right, Steven.”  


But that didn’t make any sense, did it? Did his mother… have another Pearl?  


“Wait, so you were Pink Diamond’s Pearl… before she came to Earth?”  


Pearl nodded again. Steven blinked.  


“I thought she only had one Pearl.”  


Pearl that was waiting for them on Earth. Pearl that was so devoted to her Diamond that she spent years keeping her secrets from everyone, even after Rose was long gone. Steven thought she was the only Pearl his mother ever had.  


Pink Pearl tensed and her smile turned strained when she said, “Yes, the Diamonds usually have one Pearl under their command. But they can exchange one for another whenever they see fit.”  


So at some point his mother must have… “exchanged” Pink Pearl for the one he knew. Steven didn’t like that thought one bit. He didn’t want to talk or think about it more.  


“We’ll be arriving soon,” Pink said, and Steven focused his attention on his gem immediately. Pink was looking back at him.  


“Me and Pearl will accompany you down to the surface,” he said.  


Steven nodded. “Just try not to… try not to say anything before I explain the situation. The Crystal gems may be…” He didn’t know how to say it without possibly upsetting Pink. “They may be not that happy to see you,” he settled at last on saying.  


“That’s putting it lightly,” Pink scoffed, and Steven relaxed a little. His gem understood that the conversation they were about to have with everyone wasn’t going to be easy. His gem was ready for that. Steven didn’t know if he himself was ready. He still hadn’t figured out how to explain everything to his family in a way that would make them believe him. Steven will just have to say the truth and try to diffuse the tension, he was good at that. He was good at making everyone listen.  


They started descending to the surface, and Steven’s thoughts became a jumbled mess in his head. He would have liked to see the Earth in their descent, but the panels were still closing the view completely, and he didn’t want to ask for anything right now. Time seemed to slow even more. Steven felt a sudden, deep craving to be out of the ship and on the planet’s surface, to run through the sand, to touch the sea, to feel the breeze and…  


The ship stopped moving. Steven’s heart was beating so fast and his palms were sweaty. He was almost shaking. He was home. He was finally home. He couldn’t really believe it, not yet, not until he was down there, on the sand. He hadn’t felt sand under his feet in such a long time.  


Pink got down from the panel and stopped right in front of Steven. His gaze turned uncertain for a moment, and Steven smiled, took a step forward and reached to squeeze Pink’s hand in his. Pink smiled back softly, then turned so that he was standing by Steven’s side.  


“Pearl, move us to the surface,” Pink said, and a sphere of shining pink light engulfed the tree of them. Steven held his breath.  


The next moment they were all standing on the beach. A familiar, heartwarming sight greeted Steven. Everything was the same, the sand, the statue, his house and on the steps leading to it were… Steven felt ready to cry.  


Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl jumped down from the stairs and raced across the beach. Steven let go of Pink’s hand and started running as well. They met in the middle, and Steven hugged them all as tightly as he could.  


“Steven!” Pearl exclaimed, tears in her eyes.  


“I can’t believe it,” Garnet breathed out, looking shell-shocked and happy and close to tears.  


“You’re here, dude!” Amethyst shouted at the top of her lungs.  


“Guys…” Steven managed to say and then broke down in happy tears. He cried and shook in his family’s embrace, letting go of all his fears, all the tension and the uncertainty that followed him around constantly while he was on Homeworld. Steven allowed himself to finally _relax_. He was okay. He was _safe_. He was _**home**_. Everything else melted away for a while, he cried and cried, sitting on the sand, in his family’s embrace. The Crystal gems were crying too, and Steven’s heart swelled from how much he loved them, opening up like a flower under the rain after half a year drought.  


“Oh stars, Steven, you’re here, you’re okay, you’re here,” Pearl was repeating, hugging him almost painfully tight.  


“How the hell did you pull it off?” Amethyst said, and Steven laughed. Everything felt so easy in that moment, all the explanations would come later, right now he was just happy to be in his family’s embrace, to hear their voices and see their astonished, happy faces.  


“We will protect you, Steven, we won’t let anything happen to you, not again,” Garnet said, and that tore Steven out of his emotional haze. He looked then to where his gem was standing, alone in the sand, looking small and lost. Instantly Steven felt an urge to come over to him and squeeze him in an embrace, or maybe even kiss him. Steven would have definitely kissed him if they were alone.  


His family’s attention shifted to Pink as well. Pearl tightened her arms around Steven, Garnet’s hands curled into fists and Amethyst tried to shield Steven with her own form. Pink looked at each of them in turn, and then his gaze settled on Steven. He was waiting in silence, like Steven asked him to back on the ship.  


“Uh, let me explain everything first, okay, guys?” Steven said, letting out a nervous laugh.  


“Steven!” he heard another voice exclaim then. Hearing it almost brought Steven to tears again. He knew that voice so well. He disentangled himself from his family’s embrace, which wasn’t easy, but then he saw his dad running towards them.  


“Dad! I’m back!” Steven shouted, as if he was a little kid again, coming back home from another gem mission. He got to his feet and ran to meet his dad halfway and hug him tightly. His dad was crying, and Steven was too.  


“Oh my god, Steven, you’re alive, you’re okay, you’re here! I’m so relieved, I had no idea when I’d see you again! Why were you away for so long? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”  


Steven pulled back a little, smiling and wiping at his eyes. “No, dad, I’m not hurt. I was busy dismantling a dictatorship on Homeworld.” He laughed, seeing his dad’s shocked face.  


“You… what?”  


“We did it, and now everything is going to be okay!” Steven said, unable to stop smiling. It was so good to see his dad again, to talk to him just like that. God did Steven miss him, miss everyone.  


“Dude, are you serious?” Amethyst asked, and Steven laughed again. He was so happy. He looked around at the surprised faces of his family. Even though they must have felt shaken, all of them smiled back seeing Steven’s cheerful grin.  


“So, uh, let me tell you all what happened,” Steven said. Everyone looked at him expectantly, and Steven fumbled for the right words. Okay, where to begin even? How to put everything that happened into a few short, but convincing phrases? A brief silence settled over them.  


“My lustrous Diamond, when should I bring Peridot to the surface?” Pink Pearl asked suddenly. Pink paid her no notice. His gaze was still fixed on Steven.  


“Oh, right, Peridot, please do it now!” Steven exclaimed, feeling a surge of guilt. He completely forgot that she was still on the ship. Pink nodded almost imperceptibly, and Pink Pearl raised her hand. A small pink sphere parted from the ship and came down to the surface. It disappeared, revealing Peridot accompanied by Jasper.  


“Steven!” he heard his name being shouted for the third time, and then saw Lapis, Bismuth and Lars who were heading to where they were. Lapis reached them first, flying on her water wings. She lowered herself to the ground and hugged Steven tightly. Bismuth and Lars joined her some moments later.  


“It’s nice seeing you guys,” Steven said, smiling.  


“Is that all you have to say after missing for half a year?” Lars cried out indignantly.  


“You made us all worried, that’s for sure,” Bismuth added.  


“How did you even get here?” Lapis asked. Steven pulled away from their embrace and looked in the direction the others, standing close by, and his gem, who was further away.  


“Peridot!” Lapis exclaimed, when Peridot got closer.  


“Home sweet home, or whatever they say on Earth,” Peridot smiled, wiping at her eyes. Lapis was by her side in an instant, hugging her tightly.  


“Steven, I think you need to explain to us all what happened,” Pearl said in a strained voice, and everyone’s attention shifted back on him again. Steven felt a fleeting, overbearing urge to squeeze Pink’s hand in his own, to feel a rush of energy and a sense of peace settling inside. Bu he would have to wait with that.  


“Yes, well…” Steven scratched at his head. How could he tell them about everything that happened during these five months without them freaking out? How could he put into words all the talks him and Pink had, and Pink’s emotional growth and his slowly shifting views?  


“So, me and Pink, we, uh, talked a lot and I made him realize… some things.” It was a clumsy start, but hey, it was something. Everyone was listening intently. Steven had to think carefully now about what he should to tell them. “We talked a lot about Homeworld and how gems living there weren’t happy. In the end Pink decided that we should change how everything is run on Homeworld. So we talked to Yellow and Blue, and then to White, and she changed her mind finally! And Pink changed his mind about me staying on Homeworld. So now we’re here! We want to change Homeworld,” he looked at Pink again and smiled, “together.”  


Silence settled into place again. Every gem present, aside from Peridot, Pink and his Pearl, looked shocked. Steven could see why. Even though his speech wasn’t perfect, it was a start. Now the question will come, Steven thought, and he wasn’t mistaken.  


“And what exactly are you planning to change on Homeworld?” Garnet asked, not tearing her eyes away from Pink.  


“We want to find a non-harmful way to grow new gems and stop the destruction of other planets. And we want to give Homeworld gems a chance to decide things for themselves and exist as they are. We—”  


“And White _agreed_ to this?” Pearl asked, looking shell-shocked.  


“Yes, she did. Pink made her change her mind!” Steven smiled, feeling proud. The looks on the gems’ faces slowly morphed from utter surprise to open suspicion and dislike. Now that wasn’t good. Steven felt a rush of anxiety.  


“ _Pink?_ ” Lapis said, and Steven flinched from the heavy look that she sent Pink’s way. His gem was still standing where he was, unmoving, and his face was as expressionless as ever. But his hand twitched a little.  


“But your gem was the one who took you to Homeworld,” Amethyst said, her voice incredulous.  


“Yes, but he changed,” Steven answered quickly, wishing for everyone to believe him and knowing that of course they won’t. The only thing Steven could do now was to keep the discussion peaceful, to prevent a fight, if there was a danger of there being one. Judging by the looks that the Crystal gems were sending Pink’s way, a fight could happen pretty easily. Steven tensed, thinking frantically of something reassuring to say. Something to put everyone at ease. That’s when Peridot took the opportunity to speak.  


“Your gem spent four years on Homeworld and he doesn’t have a single memory of your fusion!” she shouted angrily. Pink’s heavy, sharp stare focused on her immediately. His diamond shaped pupils shrank and his hand clenched into a fist. Shit, Steven thought to himself, feeling his palms get sweaty.  


“What do you mean he doesn’t have memories of your fusion?” Pearl asked.  


“Listen, I can explain,” Steven said, trying to sound confident. He had to show them that he was still in control. That he knew what he was doing. He took a step towards Pink.  


“Do not come close to him, Steven,” Garnet said in a calm voice, but he could see how tense her stance had become. Steven opened his mouth, but Garnet continued, voice turning cold, “Why are we talking about Pink Diamond as if he is not even present? He is right here, isn’t he? He could tell us himself why he took Steven away by force five months ago and why he decided to come back now.”  


Steven looked at Pink. Pink looked back. Steven had no idea what Pink was going to tell her, but he nodded anyway, trying to convey his love and support with his gaze alone. Pink turned to face Garnet then and said in a calm, measured voice, “I took Steven to Homeworld because he belongs with me.”  


Not the best way to put it, Steven thought to himself, already thinking of the right words to correct Pink with. His family was eyeing Pink with anger and clear distaste now, but before anyone could say anything, Pink went on, “I came back to Earth with him, because I realized that Steven,” the gem sent him a short look, “belongs not only with me.”  


That was better. The silence that followed was a little less tense than before.  


“And you’re not planning on taking him away again?” Garnet asked.  


Pink shook his head. “No.”  


“And you actually want to change Homeworld?” Lapis asked, and Pink turned his steady gaze towards her. She winced, squeezing Peridot harder in her embrace.  


“Yes.”  


“And we’re supposed to just take your word for it?” Peridot asked, narrowing her eyes. Pink lifted an eyebrow, looking almost amused now.  


“Yes.”  


“So we should trust you not to have any ulterior motives just going by your word?” Peridot asked again, voice full of sarcasm, and then something unexpected happened. Pink Pearl took a step forward from where she was standing by Pink’s side. She summoned her ribbon wand. Not a second later Garnet and Pearl were armed with their weapons. Everyone else froze where they stood.  


“How dare you question my Diamond’s word?” Pink Pearl said, her voice sharp, steely. It was unsettling to see such a menacing expression on her usually soft, smiling face, and Steven flinched without meaning to.  


“Pearl,” Pink said in a warning tone, and she lowered her weapon, but didn’t put it away.  


“Let’s all calm down,” Steven said, trying to sound placating, even though he himself felt shaken and jittery with nerves. Pearl turned to him, still gripping her spear tightly. She looked ready for a fight, but she spoke to Steven in a hurt, vulnerable voice that made Steven’s heart ache, “ _Calm down?_ Steven, you were gone for _**half a year**_. And we had no way of getting to you, no way of helping you. Did you stop to think that we were worried sick about you?! And now you appear out of the blue with your gem in tow and start telling us how great he is. Even though he was the one who took you away by force, while we _couldn’t do a single thing_. Well, I’m sorry, but we can’t just calm down and trust you when you say that your gem has changed.”  


It wasn’t easy to hear how much Steven hurt everyone by going away. He didn’t want them to worry. He didn’t mean to hurt them. He was sure that Pink didn’t mean to either. Pink was hurting too back then. And of course they couldn’t believe his gem now. Steven would have felt the same way if White Diamond herself came to Earth with Pink after breaking them apart, saying that she meant no harm. Of course Steven wouldn’t trust her, so why should his family trust Pink now? Despite this, he still wished they would.  


“And is it true what Peridot said about his memories? What happened to them?” Pearl asked.  


“Maybe we can… all go sit down and then talk it all out? We could go to the house,” Steven suggested after what felt like a full minute of silence.  


“I think this is a great idea, Schtuball,” his dad piped in unexpectedly. Steven sent him a grateful smile. Garnet and Pearl exchanged a hesitant glance, but they put away their weapons.

“Thank you,” Steven said, breathing out. Of course he knew that this conversation would be hard, but he could never have prepared himself for how hard it actually was. It was so difficult to try and find the right words, to keep the conversation peaceful, to balance and measure and think carefully about what he wanted to say. And it hurt Steven to see the grim, distrustful expressions that all of the Crystal gems wore. Steven never wanted to hurt them. He loved them all so, so much.  


Steven took a step forward, and not a moment later a bright, shining portal opened right next to him. Lion appeared out of it, knocking Steven to the ground, but he was swept away from Steven in an instant with a flat piece of pink shield that made him fall to the ground a few feet away. Steven shook his head, trying to make sense of what happened, and found Pink who was standing very close with his hand raised in the direction of Lion. His gem reacted and moved faster than the eye could see.  


“Pink, it’s okay, it’s just Lion!” Steven said, quickly getting to his feet and putting his hand on Pink’s arm, making him lower his shield. Pink turned his intense stare to Steven and then grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly, as if making sure that Steven was still here and that no harm came to him.  


Steven looked at Lion who wandered back already, huffing in a displeased way and trying to sniff at Pink. Somehow Steven doubted that Pink would like that, so he put his hand on Lion’s snout, petted him and said, “Maybe you can bring Connie over? Please?”  


Lion looked at him, then yawned, throwing Steven’s hand off in the process. Then he wagged his tail petulantly once and disappeared in another portal. Steven looked around, catching the relieved stare of his dad and a resigned look on Lars’ face. Well, Lars was used to weird things happening when Steven was involved. All the Crystal gems looked tense and apprehensive though, like they were preparing for a fight.  


“Let’s go to the house then,” Steven said quickly. He headed there first, still holding onto Pink’s hand and tugging the gem along with him. Everyone else followed reluctantly.  


When Steven walked through the door of his home, he started smiling right away without any conscious thought. He looked around with eager eyes. The house looked exactly like it did half a year ago, except the microwave and the fridge weren’t working. Steven went for the couch straight away and sat down, feeling nostalgic and weirdly not used to his own home at the same time. It felt unreal to finally be here, to be sitting on the couch, his gem’s hand in his own. Pink was looking around as well.  


“Do you like it?” Steven said, smiling. An expression of faint curiosity crossed Pink’s face, and then he pulled the blank look back on his face as all the others filed into the living room after them. Dad sat down on the couch next to Steven and the others chose to stand around them in a half circle. The space near Pink was left empty, no surprise here. Pink Pearl situated herself close to the couch.  


The tension was almost palpable in the air, and Steven breathed out, hunching his shoulders. He kept his eyes fixed on the floor when he started speaking.  


“Well, White did remove Pink’s memories. She wanted to make him into Rose.” Steven cringed, squeezing his gem’s hand in his own. He squeezed back reassuringly. “That’s why he acted the way he did when we first met. But during all the time we’ve spent together, Pink grew as a person, and he _changed_. It took time and a lot of discussing things and talking about feelings and…. all this stuff…” Steven broke off, thinking about all the things they did together and feeling his face start to heat up. No, he can’t be distracted now. It was important that Steven said all of this, that he said it in a right way, to make it easier for everyone to believe him in their own time. “So, as I was saying, as time passed, Pink started to realize that the way things were run on Homeworld wasn’t good, or sustainable, or, well, you all know this. Pink realized it was time for change. And so we went to Yellow and Blue who supported us in this decision, and then we went to have a talk with White and that…” Steven suppressed a shudder, remembering White’s face, contorted in flaring rage, and the way she spat the hurtful words meant to crumble Pink’s resolve.  


“It wasn’t easy to say the least,” Steven chuckled nervously. “White was so sure that she had it all figured out, but Pink…” Steven sent his gem a quick look, smiling a little, feeling proud, “He didn’t give in, and he wasn’t afraid of her.” Steven looked at everyone gathered around them and smiled, “He was more than a match for her. He made her listen.”  


Everyone looked bewildered and even more apprehensive than before. Maybe he got a little carried away and praised Pink too much? But well, it was all true what he had said. Pearl was wringing her hands nervously, and Garnet wore the stony expression that indicated a sense of deep unease. Amethyst was the only one who smiled back at him, even if it was a little reluctant. The worry inside Steven eased a little. At least it didn’t look like a fight was about to break out.  


“But Steven, how did he… How did he pull that off, when even you couldn’t get White to listen?” Pearl asked, breaking the silence. She glanced at Pink uneasily and quickly averted her gaze.  


“I mean I can’t exactly reenact,” Steven said, smiling, scratching at the back of his head, and everyone seemed to relax a little at that. “But it was super cool if you want to know.”  


“And how exactly are the Diamonds planning to change Homeworld?” Lapis asked. She was standing near the kitchen table with her arms crossed, and she looked just as agitated as the rest.  


“Well, we made a plan with a lot of different reforms and like changes in the structure, and there are some cool things and some complicated things and it’s mostly written in fancy words… Maybe Pink can explain it better than me.”  


Steven turned to his gem, and everyone’s attention shifted to him as well. Steven hoped that when the gems start interacting more with him, they will see that Pink was actually a pretty great gem, that he didn’t come up with an evil plan to destroy everything, or anything of the sort.  


Pink looked at Lapis and said, “The official announcement will be released in around forty-five hours, if you count in Earth’s system. The reforms are ready, of course, but this information is not available to regular gems as of yet. You are actually the first ones, aside from the Diamonds, to know about the upcoming changes, and we want it to stay that way. For now,” he finished in a firm, almost commanding tone.  


“Are you trying to order us to silence?” Bismuth asked, looking angry. “Do you know how long we fought against the likes of—”  


“Bismuth!” Steven exclaimed, his anxiety rising again. The Crystal gems looked angry, of course they were, with Pink sitting in their house, acting as if he was the one in charge here. But he was a Diamond, and Steven found that all of them acted like this when talking to other gems.  


“I understand your reluctance to trust me,” Pink said calmly then, “but the announcement will clear things up I believe. You will be able to watch as long as you have at least one working panel.”  


“I have a panel!” Steven exclaimed, happy to change the topic to a safer one. “Though I think I left it laying somewhere on the floor of the ship.”  


Pink summoned Steven’s panel from his gem and handed it to him. Before Steven could thank him, a portal opened in the living room. Lapis and Peridot stepped back, and an instant later Lion appeared in their living room, with Connie on his back.  


“Connie!” Steven exclaimed, jumping to his feet. Her eyes landed on him, and she shouted, “Steven!”  


She climbed down from Lion, and Steven rushed to squeeze her in an embrace. She was here, she was actually here. Steven missed her so, so much. They were clinging to each other for a few moments, and then Connie pulled away to look him in the eye. She had tears in her eyes that already started spilling down her cheeks.  


“You’re finally back!” she said and smiled a little shakily. “I knew you’d come back.”  


Steven couldn’t say much, he was just looking at her, revelling in the feelings that bloomed in his chest. Connie looked the same, she was stunningly beautiful, with her dark hair and dark eyes and in her favorite light orange shirt and shorts. It was his Connie. Steven laughed and hugged her close again. She returned his embrace. He never wanted to let her go. Then Steven remembered that they weren’t alone, and hastily pulled away, feeling embarrassed. He pulled back so that Connie could see Pink, who was still sitting on the couch with his hands on his lap, a picture of polite compliance.  


“Connie, this is Pink!” Steven said, trying to convey with his voice that his gem was not a threat and she didn’t need to freak out. Connie tensed, staring at Pink, and Steven did as well. He had no idea how she was going to react, but what he definitely didn’t need was a fight in the living room. Steven put a hand on Connie’s arm in a reassuring manner, and felt the tense, hard muscles under his hand.  


After getting over the initial shock of seeing the gem who took Steven away to Homeworld sitting quietly and obediently on the couch, Connie looked at Steven, a clear question in her eyes. She wanted to know if Pink was a threat. Steven shook his head almost imperceptibly. She relaxed then, smiled a little hesitantly at Pink and said, “It’s nice to meet you.”  


Connie was the coolest, most awesome girl Steven knew. Steven looked at Pink, not knowing what his reaction will be. Pink got up from the couch and made a strange gesture, something like a fluid bow and delicate curtsy all at once.  


“It’s nice to meet you too,” he answered.  


Pearl let out a quiet gasp. Steven looked at her, then at everyone else and found that everyone, except for his dad, Lars and Amethyst were looking at Pink in utter bewilderment. Even Garnet seemed taken aback by Pink’s gesture. Steven will ask Pink what this was all about later.  


“What a gentleman you are,” Connie giggled, some of the wariness bleeding out of her. She looked at Steven again, her gaze turning serious. “I hope I’ll get an explanation to all of this soon though.”  


“Okay, so basically we dismantled the dictatorship on Homeworld and set everything on a path of change.”  


“Why am I not surprised to hear that from you?” Connie said, smiling. Then she continued, subdued now, her expression turning gentle and almost sad, “You could have at least sent a message. You could have told us that you were alright. We were all so worried about you.”  


Steven looked around again, at all the humans and the gems who were the closest to him, who loved him and were constantly worried about him and his wellbeing during these five months.  


“I’m so sorry for disappearing like that. For not coming back earlier. For not contacting you in any way.” He didn’t say that Pink was the one who discouraged him from sending any messages, insisting that they meet in person. “Now I’m here to stay, I promise,” he finished and started crying again.  


“Oh, Steven,” Connie said in a quiet, gentle voice and hugged him again. His dad joined her, and so did Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. They stood there in the middle of the living room in their big group hug, and Steven was crying and smiling, just like the others. He felt like everything was finally right. He loved them all so, so much.  


After a little while, Steven stopped crying and said, laughing, “I don’t know how about you, guys, but I’m starving.”  


The embrace broke immediately.  


“Oh, but we don’t have any products, and the fridge is not even on,” Pearl said, starting to bustle about in her usual way. Steven smiled, watching her go over to the fridge to check on it.  


“We could order some pizza,” Connie suggested.  


“Oh my God, yes! Pizza is a solid yes!” Steven answered instantly. His mouth almost started watering at the thought of eating something other than the fruits from the Zoo.  


“Which one do you want?” she asked, taking her phone out. Steven couldn’t wait to get his hands on his own phone, wherever it was.  


“I’ll let you decide, is that okay? I want to go to the bathroom and wash my face,” Steven said and turned to Pink. The gem was still standing unmoving near the couch. His intense gaze was turned to Steven and him alone. Steven smiled encouragingly and asked, “Wanna come with?”  


Everyone else instantly tensed. Pearl paused her tinkering with the fridge to look at both of them with wide, concerned eyes. Pink just nodded, unaffected by the others’ stares. Steven turned around and headed for the bathroom. He knew that it was hard for his family to accept Pink being here and to trust the gem. But Steven wasn’t planning on ignoring Pink just for their sakes. Sooner or later they will have to admit that Pink changed. Also, Steven had a bad feeling about leaving his gem in the room with some less than friendly gems. Pink himself didn’t exactly have the friendliest personality. Things could go very wrong very fast were Pink to stay in the living room by himself.  


So they walked into the bathroom together and Pink closed the door behind them. Steven washed his face and drank a little. Then he looked up at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and a sudden vivid memory came to his mind. Steven remembered how he looked into the bathroom mirror back on Homeworld. It was around the time when he first arrived there. He remembered how weak and alone he felt back then. How everything seemed hopeless, and all he wanted to do was cry. Now, he was standing in his house back on Earth, reunited with his family and with his gem finally on his side. Not everything was going smoothly, but _he made it_. Steven made it back home. And saved his gem in the process.  


“Steven?” he heard Pink call and turned to look at him. The calm expression on the gem’s face had disappeared, he looked open and very vulnerable now. Pink took a step forward and squeezed Steven in a tight embrace. His form shuddered.  


“It’s going to be okay,” Steven said, petting his hair in a calming manner. “You’re doing so well, Pink.”  


Pink pressed harder into him, not answering. They stood there quietly for a little while. Then there was a knock on the door.  


“Steven? Are you alright in there?” Garnet asked in a tone that clearly suggested that she will barge into the room if Steven doesn’t give her an answer right this instant.  


“Yeah, everything is fine, we’ll be out soon!” Steven said in a loud voice. Then he pulled back, looking Pink in the eye.  


“Why are there so many of them?” Pink asked, complained almost. It must have been hard for him to handle such a huge crowd of gems that were so suspicious of him and so protective of Steven. And still he kept his calm and did so well.  


“It’s my family. And my friends,” Steven shrugged, smiling.  


“And Peridot…” Pink frowned. Then he pulled away and took one step back, looking Steven over. Steven lifted an eyebrow. Pink continued, his tone accusing, “Why did you tell her about my memories?”  


Steven didn’t expect to be asked such a question, but maybe he should have had. Pink’s memories were a very private topic, and surely the last thing Pink wanted was for someone to learn about it not from Pink himself. Especially considering that Pink and Peridot were far from being on friendly terms. Right now Pink looked upset and something in his eyes told Steven that he was also hurt.  


“I… Well, I told her during our first meeting,” Steven tried to explain himself. He remembered how exactly it happened. “I’m sorry, it wasn’t right to tell her without your permission, but I was… I was scared back then, and I didn’t know what to do. It was right after…” He fell silent. Steven preferred not to think about the events prior to his meeting with Peridot. He tried not to think about how Pink was pressing flush against him, strong and unmoving and heavy, how he touched Steven without permission, pressing and squeezing until he got the needed reaction out of him. Steven wasn’t scared of Pink now of course. But the memories of that day were still very… unpleasant.  


Pink touched his arm gently, and Steven looked at him.  


“I’m sorry for what I did,” Pink said with so much feeling that Steven felt the knot of anxiety in his chest loosen up. He smiled.  


“I forgive you,” Steven said and took his gem’s hand, giving it a light squeeze.  


Not everything was perfect right now and there were so many things yet to be done. Huge changes on Homeworld were coming, and Pink and the others will have to do a ton of work and support their gems in any way they can. They still had to heal the corrupted gems, and Steven still hadn’t had a talk with his gem about that. And finally Pink had to win everyone’s trust and show Steven’s family and everyone that he changed. But they will manage all that. Everything was going to be okay.  


Yes, everything was going to be okay now, Steven thought to himself and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very excited to post this chapter finally! Wow, what a ride! I’ve never written anything this big before! Thank you all for the amazing feedback I got:333 I decided to post the continuation as a separate work and I really, really hope I’ll be able to finish it. Anyway, welcome to the part two of this story called Whole As We Are!  
> Thank you all so much for spending your time and energy and emotion on reading my story, I’m so grateful, and without your support and feedback this fanfic would have never been posted!:3333


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